Grief is a weird thing.
There are no rules. There is no handbook on "this is the way you are supposed to handle a death in the family" and it be in black in white.
There are suggestions from experts. There are stages, but no one follows them to the letter. It is a bizarr and weird and sad, and happy time all at the same time.
You made a weird face that I said happy didn't you? Well, it kinda is really, at moments anyway. One minute you will be crying and sad because of the loss you feel, the regret of things you didn't get to do or say. And the next moment you are laughing about a memory that is so funny, and with the sadness behind it, it only intensifies that laughter. It also feels like sometimes things that were not funny at the time, are extremely funny after a person passes away. A certain mannerism, or a reaction to an event, that may have been embarrassing or cringe worthy at the time, is downright hilarious after the person is gone.
My mother in law passed this weekend. So we have been dealing with the tsunami of emotions that are rushing at us in the wake of that earthquake. I feel like as a parent, explaining to my very small children what death is, has been eye opening, and has actually completely simplified some of the process. It makes things that we THINK are completely gray in color, black and white again. Here is a conversation with me and Little man:
Little man: Mom, did grandma go to heaven?
Me: Yes sir she did.
Little man: is Thor up there with her? (by the way, that dog I blogged about forever ago that I was so worried about his passing...well it happened. On the twins' birthday which also happened to fall on Easter this year. He got the last laugh on that one I think. Little jerk. I loved him so much.)
Me: I would say absolutely yes. (Come on, I have no idea whether or not dogs really do go to heaven, but I am going to say yes because I certainly want to believe that too. Plus, I feel like if I need my dog in heaven, God loves me enough he is going to put him there. So yes, dogs go to heaven. Suck it theologians.)
Little Man: Do you think he is chasing bunnies?
Me: Of course.
LIttle Man: Do giraffes go to heaven?
Me: Sure.
Little Man: I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!!
Is he asking me about the soul qualifications of animals and whether or not they need one to get to heaven? No. Animals go to heaven, be it dogs or giraffes or dinosaurs. Black and White.
I think the hardest part of grief is letting my children see me cry. I know we as mothers hold it in, and hold it in until we feel as if we are going to burst. Why do we do that? Isn't it NORMAL to cry sometimes? When we are overwhelmed, when we are sad, isn't crying an appropriate response? When we feel as if we can't do it all, we will cry in the bathroom alone, and wait until we are presentanble again. Why are we ashamed of that emotion? We let our children see us happy, and excited and angry and proud. Why is grief so taboo that we can't let our children see this, and process seeing us sad? Is this not a life lesson to learn as well, that crying is ok? That it is appropriate to be sad and let tears flow? I feel like our children deserve to be allowed to see their mother's cry. They deserve to have that lesson.
As in any grieving process, the Admiral and I also had some anger which resulted in an argument at one point. Because I was so raw in my emotions, I was crying while taking Little man with me to the grocery.
Little Man: Mom are you going to put your tears away? (this is how I ask him to stop crying when he is throwing a fit)
Me: I will soon. Daddy was just angry and I was angry and now I am just sad about that. I don't like when daddy is mad at me, and I don't like to be angry at him, it isn't a good feeling.
Little Man: I don't either. But, just because someone is angry, doesn't mean they don't love you.
Me: (crying even harder) You are so right. When did you get so smart?
Little Man: I do ABC mouse on the computer....
It may be hard for them to see the tears, but I feel it is necessary. Crying should not be scary and unknown to them. Just as anger and fear can be shown in doses, so should sadness. So in the words of Elsa, I am going to make sure to "Let it Go" if I need to.
The other thing I have noticed with grief, it is such a strong thing, that evokes such strong emotions from everyone, and since no one deals with grief the same, sometimes there is some serious DRAMA. I don't' know about you, but as a lover of spectating other people's drama, I don't so much enjoy when the drama makes me be a participant. Watching=fine and entertaining. Being thrust out upon that stage.....not so much fun. I feel like this is where I keep chanting the mantra that Jenny repeated over and over in the movie Forest Gump, "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, far far away" Why do people do that??? Why make drama?? Isn't this process hard enough without adding crazy to the mix? Personally, I just want to focus on my family. Peddle your crazy elsewhere, I am full up here, thanks.
Really I have no point of closure to this rant. All this is, is a rant not a story, not a lesson. Just me pondering this whole process as I live it. Grief is just so strange. It is messy, and dirty, and a roller coaster of emotions. And eventually, it fades. For days it is all you think about, and then one day it isn't the first thing you think about when you wake up anymore. It is the second thing, then the third thing, then finally it is the last thing you think about before bed. And ultimately it is the thing you just remember when something reminds you. Grief is weird, but it is tolerable. In actuality, it is inevitable. And it is something that, though different to everyone, I feel, must be taught to our children that it CAN be handled , so that when they are in the midst of it, they can remember," my mother/father went through this and lived, so I can do this." It is our responsiblity as their parent.
Being an adult really really sucks sometimes.......
