Call me Stewart.....Martha Stewart...

I have a serious problem.

I get it into my head that I am crafty.  I look at things all the time and think, Oh my goodness, I could totally do that!!! But guess what?  I can't.  I can't do it, and I need to get it through to my brain that I am not Martha Stewert and just be happy in my normalness.

But I am not happy in my normalness, I want to be special.  So I keep trying, because I cannot admit defeat.  We are not quitters in this family, and I will not quit trying.  However, if this is how I am going to roll, I really need to just realize that it is never going to look like the picture, and be okay with that.

Oh you think I am exaggerating?  I am so not.  

For my twin daughters' birthday, I was doing a whole princess theme thing.  I was making everything pink and purple.  When I came across these little gems:

I mean, how cute are they, right?  Little pink and zebra striped cookies, so cute!  And they look just like the peanut butter blossoms I make at Christmas, and those are super duper easy!  I can totally do this!!  So I make up some sugar cookie dough, and put them in the oven and then put the little candies on top.....

Do they not look like two giant,hot pink, zebra nippled boobs to you?  Because they looked like a cartoon had a mammogram to me.  And I had to serve these at the girls' birthday party!!  The Admiral could not quit laughing, and kept saying, "Man, these need some milk to go with them." Go ahead...laugh....I will wait....

Okay, so the same party, I decided to make this really adorable castle cake that I found online.  It looked super easy.

Right?  I mean, come on, no hard decorating, and it looks like a castle right? Well, I had a few issues:

See, they didn't' have the colors I wanted at the store, and they didn't' have any ice cream cones at all, and I couldn't find the right candy either.  So I had to make do with what I had on hand.  I tried to fun it up with pictures on the top of a glass slipper and a crown and some hearts, but no go.  It looks like my daughters made their own cake.  Just awful.  And I can't even take credit for the little flags on top, my sister made those.  sigh...

And it isn't just baked goods.  (which let me say in my defense, they may look ugly, but I make some of the best tasting baked goods you will ever eat.  Not pretty to look at, but you won't have to look at them long, because they will be all gone in about a minute.  There was NONE of the cake or cookies leftover, so at least I have that going for me).

No,  I suck at making lots of stuff.  I have been trying to teach myself to knit for a YEAR.  I am still on the same ball of yarn I bought at the beginning, because I keep messing up.  My poor Thumbellina has been asking me since last winter, "mom, I thought you were going to make me a scarf?"  Yeah, well, I am sorry, but mommy starts off with 15 stitches, then 4 lines later I have 8, then 4 lines later I have 23.  It looks like I was drinking while I was knitting ( and that IS a possiblity.)  I tried cross stitching.  I made one thing that was any good, and gave it to my niece (a cute little fairy), and ever since I just can't seem to count.  The dog I tried to make for my son when he was born looked like it had a lazy eye, and was missing a leg.  Maybe it is a counting problem with me.  That would seem to be a possibility as well, except that I also have a problem with painting, or sculpting anything with clay, or drawing, or decorating, or anything that involves glue or glitter.... 

I just need to face it. I am like a person with a gambling problem.  Except instead of gambling it is crafting.   I am a girl who likes to craft, that needs to just be banned from Michael's craft store because sooner or later I am going to be owing them a fortune in back payments for my habit,  and some big woman named Helga from the fabric department with one eye, a mustache, and black hairs growing out of the mole on her neck is going to come looking to break my arm if I don't pay up.

  I guess I will just stick to making delicious cookies and cakes that don't need fancy decorations.

Oh wait!  Look at this!!  I could totally do this!!

It can't be THAT hard right??? 

This may be a little dark. And a little nuts. Well, a lot nuts.

Do you ever wake up one morning, and for absolutely no reason at all, just hate pretty much everyone and everything? 

I don't get that way very often.  In fact, to quote an earlier post of mine, most of the time I am "F*@$ing delightful" all the live long day.  But on rare occasions, I will wake up and just dislike pretty much everything. 

Today is one of those days.

I will say, part of the reason is, that The Admiral got called out to work at 10pm last night, and anytime he is out driving with the other maniacs after dark, I get all nervous and irrational about it.  Like if I am not there, he won't see a deer cross the road, hit it, and be dead in a ditch somewhere.  Or there will be a crazy maniac drunk driver, and he won't see him swerving, and gets hit and is dead in a ditch somewhere.  Or he is tired, and I am not there to wake him up, and so he falls asleep behind the wheel, rolls off the road, crashes, and is dead in a ditch somewhere.  Most of my scenarios in my head involve ditches and subsequent demise.  I will watch the news and if there is a crash, even if it is no where near where his account is, I will text him, and say, "did you crash? Are you dead in a ditch somewhere?  If not text me and let me know you are ok."  

Last night was exceptionally bad, because he left at 10, and of couse the anxieties were already nice and settled, since I don't go to bed until 11, and so I was wide awake, fretting over the imminent death and the ditch it may occur in.  I went to bed, and lay there flipping channels until midnight when finally I passed out watching Neve Campbell get bludgeoned to death by Matt Dillon (special prize for anyone who can name that movie!)

At 12:35am my daughters wake me up to tell me that their humidifier was out of water.  I was annoyed, because WHY did this necessitate me having to fill it right then??  But I did, and they immediately went back to sleep, thank God.  But me?  Not so much.  I tossed and turned for another hour. 

So at 4 am, I woke up out of a dead sleep to find The Admiral was NOT back, and I checked my phone to which he had NOT texted.  So guess what?  My mind immediately thought, "This is it.  It has happened.  He is really dead in a ditch.  It is 4 am, and my husband is dead in a ditch."  I texted him,

Me: Oh My God Admiral, are you OK????  

I wait two minutes and send another

Me: Please text me and let me know you are ok.

I wait one more minute and then text

Me: CALL. ME.   

I lay there waiting.  And in the entire time I was waiting, here is the monologue that ran through my head.  Please enjoy:  (because as I am sure you are gathering, he is not dead.)

Oh god.  This is it.  This time I am right.  I mean, why else would i have woken up out of a dead sleep?  We are so close, and have such a connection, I just know something is wrong. That is what happens when you sort of grow up together.  You get psychic about the other person if bad things happen.  He is dead in a ditch for real.  Oh Gosh, I am glad I said I love him before he left and hugged him.  I better turn on the news and listen for any news of car crashes.  Well, They won't release his name yet though because i haven't been notified.  Oh no.  That means the highway patrol will be coming to my door.  Oh that is going to be bad.  I will cry, and the kids will not know what is going on.  Well, they will be asleep, so I will have time to gather myself.  Oh, I should put on a bra.  If I am sobbing hard, I don't want the girls going crazy.  (I put on bra.)  Oh, no, the dog might bark.  Then the kids will wake up.  I don't want that, I will need time to gather myself if I am going to be strong for my kids.  How am I going to keep it together for my kids?  Maybe I will have the Highway patrol hang out until I can get my sisters over here to help me.  Oh no, I can't do this alone, someone is going to have to just move in with me for awhile.  I don't know how to plan a funeral.  Or where the insurance information is.  Well, I guess I could call his buddy George at work.  Oh, George, I don't have his number.  I will need to call our pastor to get it, George goes to church with us.  Oh Gosh, I will have to plan the funeral, and he wants me to play "another one bites the dust" at the funeral.  I cant' do that!  He has always said he wanted that, but did he really or was he just joking?  I don't want to play that.  Oh God, I can't play "another one bites the dust at the funeral!  What was he thinking asking me to play that?  And who is going to watch the kids during the funeral, everyone I use as babysitters will be there, and you can't bring toddlers to a funeral!  They will be all over, and climbing on their daddy because they don't know what dead is!  They will want to play with him!  And I will be so broken up I won't care, and people will say things like, "Well, I know her husband was found dead in a ditch somewhere, but at least she shouldn't let the children climb all over his body. She is a terrible mother."  And I will be during this time!  I will be a terrible mother!  Because at this point I won't care that they are acting like Hooligans!  And they will grow up and be on the psychologist couch talking about how their mom was a terrible mother, and let them crawl all over their father's body, and now they are scarred for life.  And  Your Royal Highness will be on the psychologist couch because he will feel like he had to grow up too fast to help take care of his siblings, and his mother failed him, and he blames me for all the wrong in his life.  Maybe I can just get someone to take care of all of the paperwork stuff and money stuff for me, so I can tend to the kids.   I will just tell them to pay off the house, and I will just use my paychecks to live off of.  But OH MY GOD!!  I don't know how to do the auto bill pay!  I don't know how to run anything on this stupid computer!!!  I SHOULD HAVE ASKED!!! I should have asked before he died!!!  OH NO!!!  Why didn't I ask!!!  And now I never can! OH GOD!!!  Who is going to fix crap when it breaks?  Or lift heavy stuff for me?  Wait, what am I talking about?  I am a woman of the 2000's, I am fully capable of figuring this crap out.  (sighing), I will be fine.  I will just miss him.  Why did he have to go out on a call at 10 pm??  Why..... (phone vibrates.....) 

Admiral:  I am fine, sorry, no signal back in the data room.  

(Pause for a beat....)





Well, I guess I will go back to sleep, I have to get up in 30 minutes.....

And THAT my friends is why I kind of hate everything today.  I am emotionally exhausted.