Cabin in the Woods......the True Story

I am going to tell you a story....a very very scary story.  So please turn off your lights, grab a flash light, and pretend that you and I are sitting across from each other around a campfire. 

This is a story about my vacation, and it is terrifying.

A few months ago, my husband and I decided for spring break we would go to Gatlinburg with the family.  So we searched for weeks for a good looking cabin rental to make the smokey mountain expience legit.  Finally we found one that we liked, that would fit us all, and seemed nice.  It was called.... (enter spooky music)....Summer Breeze..

I called and the lady from the company, Cabin Fever Rentals,  on the phone seemed really nice, but most witches do in the beginning of fairy tales don't they? ("Come inside my gingerbread house children....it's ok....granny won't eat you."  Till she does!!!)  Got us a deal where we buy 5 nights and get two nights free.  Awesome.  Spectacular.  But what do they say about things that are too good to be true?

So we are getting excited.  The Admirals sister and her kids were coming to stay too, so we were really excited to get the family together for a fun holiday. 

We drive the seven hours it takes to get to Gatlinburg from our house, with all of the children and our 14 year old dog.  We took the dog because he didn't deal well with being boarded, and the cabin was pet friendly so why not?  We get to the check in office, and all of the toddler need to pee.  So we all clamor out of the van and tumble into the office where we are greeted with a large sign that says, "NO PUBLIC BATHROOM." 

My english teacher senior year in high school did a whole unit on foreshadowing.  Why didn't I pay more attention????

So we all clamor back outside while The Admiral checks us in, and SIL (sister in law) takes little man to a bush to water it, if you know what I mean.  I tell the girls that they will have to wait a bit for a gas station, and they immediately panic. 

We get checked in, get directions to the cabin, and head out. 

We pull up, and My stomach does a flip flop.  There is trash littering the entire perimetor of the house.  Red Solo cups, McDonald's wrappers, plasic baggies, and more.  The Admiral goes to unlock the door and almost has to ram it with his shoulder to make it open. 

Seriously Mr. Kazor, I should have paid more attention to the whole foreshadowing unit.  Really.

We walk in, and at first blush it looks ok.  But upon further inspection, I notice cobwebs hanging from every corner, and most windows.  The kids start running around yelling, happy to be free of the car.  The twins run to the bathroom.  SIL's kids all plow in and head for the fooseball table and the pool table, and Your Royal Highness heads immediately for the hot tub. 
"MOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" He yells.  I walk out, and the hot tub is freezing cold.  "Ok, I will give the office a call."  The Admiral yells to me from inside, "Might want to add this light fixture to that list."  I look in the downstairs hall, and see the wall sconce is hanging from the wall by exposed wires.  Awesome. 

I walk over to the couch to sit down and notice pillows on them with sketchy looking stains, and some sort of dried liquid splashed down the front corner of one.  I didnt know liquid could dry to leather couches like that.  Hmm. 

SIL and Admiral go to the store to get groceries, and I make a call to the front desk about the things we noticed.  A guy comes out and fixes the light, and then spends 20 minutes farting around with the hot tub.  He comes back in, "Well, it looks like the motor is out.  I will call the hot tub people and have them out tonight."  I felt satisfied with the response, and true to his word he sent out the hot tub guy that night.  My thought was that he would fix the hot tub, but he spent another 20 minutes farting around with it and came it to tell me," It looks like the motor is out."  Duh.  The other guy said that. He then proceeds to explain that he has to talk to the owner to get approval to fix it, so it was going to be a day or two before it was fixed.  There were some seriously dissappointed children. 

Admiral and SIL come back with groceries, and we unpack and go to start dinner.  Large burner doesnt work, and oven will only get hot if you set it to 425.  I guess I can forget about baking cookies.  We finish dinner, do dishes and put stuff away, and find a pan that is so beat up it could possibly have been used as a murder weapon. I go to make up the pull out bed for the kids....there are no sheets to speak of, and only one blanket.  Sweet SIL says that her two daughters can sleep with her in the king size bed. 

After watching the finale of Walking Dead, around 11pm, we all head off to bed.  Admiral pulls back the covers to find.....scuze me while I vomit in my throat....4 giant spots of blood on the mattress.  There is no mattress cover at all.  The only thing between us and the matress is a very thin sheet. 

We sleep very much clothed. 

We get up, and it is too early to call the office.  Admiral, SIL, Your Royal HIghness, and older cousins head out to go ziplining over the moutains.  I stay back with all the young kids who are too little to go.  I figure I will call when they all go to bed, so I can voice my complaints without getting interupted.  I get them all down, and it is quiet in the house. 

Until it wasn't. 

I hear a buzzing.  I look up.  Hornets.  4 of them, in the window.  Now there are a lot of things I am scared of, but bugs and especially stinging bugs, are at the top of that list.  I freak out.  Bad.  So I call the office and as calm as possible tell them about all of the things that I have found. 

The range had dirty drip pans
Cobwebs everywhere
Doors to bedrooms downstairs had broken handles
Closet doors won't close, and one was hanging off broken
Blood on the mattress....I REPEAT BLOOD ON THE MATTRESS
Trash surrounding perimeter of house
 Broken lamp on side table
LIghtbulbs out in light fixtures
Door to outside had bird poop on the INSIDE of the door frame
Missing sheets
Missing blankets
Stains on throw pillows and couch
and now....HORNETS

The lady tells me that she will send the cleaning crew out, and she will call the pest control people.  However the pest control people will need to fumigate, and we will need to be out of the house for 6 hours when they come.  I sigh and say, "Look.  I am happy you want to fix all of these things, but we are being highly inconvieinced here.  This is ruining my vacation.  I am crying right now, and stressed, and I am on vacation.  I would really like some sort of compensation for all of this." 

"Well mam, I can give you 15% off of your future stay."

"Oh darling, you misunderstand me.  I will NOT be coming back to your cabins.  Ever.  Is there nothing you can do other than that?"
"I am sorry, and I can tell you this is very much not the normal.  These problems are very very rare."
"Well, they may be rare, but they are happening, and this is unacceptable.  I want it all fixed."
"We will mam."

So the fix it guy comes out and fixes the doors, and then the cleaning guy shows up.  He has a couple of sets of sheets in his hands, and a duster.  He asks me to show him where I see dirt. 

Seriously?

Isnt' this your JOB?  How do you NOT see the dirt??  It is EVERYWHERE!!  But I humor him, and show him all of the cobwebs and then I show him the mattress. 

"Oooh.  The man who stay here last cut his hand.  He bleed on mattress.  I forgot mattress pad." 
"You forgot to bring a matress pad??"
"I so sorry."  He then hands me sheets and says, "You use and I bring you mattress cover tomorrow."

-sound of record scratching-

WHAAA WHAATT!!!???  TOMORROW??????  Dude, I have blood on my mattress tonight!!!  Plus, who the hell cuts their hand and bleeds all over the bed?  How do you cut your hand on a bed??? 

He scurries around cleaing up the cobwebs and then leaves before I had a chance to stop him.  The cherry on top of that?  He didn't even make up the bed!  He didnt' put the extra sheets on top of the bed.  There they lay in the bag on top of the bedspread. 

The Admiral comes back and I fill him in on the events. 

He is not pleased. 

In fact we are both pretty skeeved out.  I go downstairs to the kids area, and notice somthing that I didn't before.  The cartpet down there is DISGUSTING.  How did I not see this before?  I don't know, maybe because we were focused on the hornets and the blood and the dirt and the gross from the main floor.  But there it is, gross awful carpet that left my socks black as soot after one crossing.  And what was that smell?  Was that the carpet too?  I lean down........Yep.  It was.  It smelled as if a poo and mold, and mildew had a baby.  Wow.  Yuck. 

I get a call from the pest control company. "Hey honey',"  (excuse me????) " I got a call you have hornets.  When do you want us to come out?"
"When is the earliest you can come? We have the kids and the dog to get out."
"I can come whenever you need honey." (seriously, say it again and I will cut you)
"Ok, we will take the kids and go sightseeing.  How about 9am?"
"We will be there honey....bye."  Click. 

Sweet baby Jesus, he is lucky he hung up. I about went crazy white girl all over him to teach him about professionalism and respect.

It was late, and Admiral and I decide, we need to probably have a more firm talk with the office in the morning.  See if there is another cabin they can give us.  This is unacceptable on all accounts.  So we go to add the layer of sheet between us and a possible Hepatitus infection, when we pull back the sheets and covers, and I hear him gasp..."OH GOD!" 
"What is it?"
"You don't want to know."
"The hell I don't, what is it?"
I tear around the bed and see it.....on the bed skirt...something you never ever ever want to see when you are away from home. 

ANCHORS AWAY ME LADS!!  WE GOT SEMEN!!!

We both freak the freak out, and Immediately start looking for another cabin rental company.  We stayed up until 1am, and found 3 that were available.  It was too late for that night, but we would call first thing.  We huddle, fully clothed, on top of the covers, on the one side of the bed farthest away from the STD and the Hepatitis. 

In the morning, we decide we will have the pest people postpone until the afternoon so we can pack up.  I call the rental company for the new cabin.....

"Eden Crest...this is David."  Came the sweet sing song voice of my new big gay angel.  His sweet southern twang mixed with his beautiful gay accent was music to my ears. 
"Hi David, I was looking on your website and found a cabin that was available.  I was intersted in booking it."
"When do you want to come darlin?"  When he called me an endearment I didn't mind so much.
"Now.  THis moment.  Today."  He chuckeled,
"Okay, let me see what I can do."  He clicked out, and came back in a moment, "Ok I can get you in today, but that cabin still needs cleaned and wont be ready until about 4.  Is that ok?"
"Ok.  That is fine. How much."
"Well, it would be usually $1300 for the week, but since you are coming today, I will knock off  50%. How is that?"
I started crying to this wonderfully lovely man..."Oh David, you don't even know...."I explained what was going on, why we needed in today, the house, and all of it. 
"Oh darling girl....we will get you hooked up.  We will fix this vacation."  That is all I needed to hear.  I cry.  But then I panic, I forgot to ask about the dog.
"David...we have a dog....do you allow pets."
"Hmm...not usually, but let me see what I can do."  I am on hold for like 5 minutes.  I start sweating.  He comes back on, "Baby, I made it pet friendly.  It will be a small fee, but is that ok?" 
"YES!!!!!!  FINE!!!!!!  DONE!!!!!"  He laughs and I am instantly wanting to be his best friend.  I finish up the clerical stuff, and tell the family the good news.  My sweet SIL says, "Since we are leaving, I will tell you now, the bathroom smells like sewage.  I didn't want to say anything while we were here, you were already so stressed."  Bless.....

So I call the pest people, "Ok.  We are not going to be able to get out of here for a bit, can you come later?"  The guy says, "Honey," (there it is again....grrr) "I can, I just don't know when. Might be later in the afternoon."
"Fine fine.  Please call before you come, we are going to go play mini golf, and we will need to leave the dog here."
"Ok., Will do." 

We decide to pack up the cars with everything but the food and the dog, so we can just grab and go after.  We head to Play mini golf...the first thing I have actually gotten to DO on my vacation since our arrival...and then we go to the park after, then lunch.  Around 1pm, after no call from the pest people, we head to the cabin to finish up packing.  we figure it will take a bit,then to check out of nightmare cabin, and drive to the new one, it will be almost 4. 

We pull up to the cabin to find a note on the door.....

"FUMIGATION began at 12pm....Please do not enter until 3pm."

THE DOG!!!!

 We run in and find Thor in the bathroom where we left him, but the house had obviously been fumigated, and he had been sitting in it for two hours.  Who fumigates with a dog in the house???  They never called!!

Pissed, I get the dog out of the house, and we leave the kids in the car, and get the rest of our stuff out of there.  I make an extensive list of all of our trials with this cabin and we head to the check in office.  Admiral goes in, and unfortunately the supervisor was not there.  We check out, and decide that the battle for our money back would have to be continued another day.

As we drive to our new cabin, (which would prove to be wonderful, and every single bit the vacation we were hoping for.  Seriously David...you are my gay in shining armor.  Mwah!  Love you!)  we left the creepy, scary, cabin behind us.  I feel like as we left I heard the sound of dueling banjos behind me.......