I am a terrible person

I am a terrible person.  I have not always been a terrible person, but as I deal with the flying monkeys day in and day out, I have begun to turn into a terrible person.  I once heard in church a wonderful saying, "Picture yourself as a juice box.  Every time you give yourself to your family or children, they are taking a sip.  As the day ends, your juice box has had so many sips, it is collapsing in on itself."  Now I know that they finished up that alliteration by saying that the only way to refill that box of juice is to take quiet time out with God, and and He will refill it. Yeah I get it, I get it, and I understand.  But I like that visual.  The kids have a big fight that I have to break up, (sip), Little man has a tantrum (sip), The Admiral yells down the stairs, "How long has this laundry been in the washer (sip sip),Your Royal Highness needs kicked in the butt all morning to get out of the door, dressed and with everything he needs, (sip sip sip).  I do  feel like a juice box.  And I believe that because of the tremendous pressure from my box collapsing in on itself,  I have started exhibiting some terrible behaviors.

I have started hiding candy bars all over the house. 

Not giant size ones, but those mini ones.  I have a bag of York Peppermint patties hiding in a photo cupboard in my living room.  I also have hidden a bag of Heath bars in the console of the van ( no one really ever looks in there because almost all of them are still in carseats.)  I also may have a few bars stashed in the tampax box in my bathroom. 

My life has become a shadow of what I thought it would be.  I am hiding candy.  WTH happened to me?  But you know, the thing is, if these flying monkeys that I call my children would let me have just one thing that this mine, just ONE, I would not have to resort to such psychotic behavior. 

Is it that I mind sharing candy with my children?  No, of course not.  I share candy with them all of the time.  I get them treats.  But the problem is, THEY are the ones that do not share.  I will open a bag in the morning, and then go out in the afternoon after lunch to have a snack size hershey bar, and the entire bag is GONE!  These people thatI live with (besides the Admiral) are horrible horrible sharers!  And not from lack of teaching. For heavevns sake I say it all day long!  "Share with your brother!"  "Share with your sister!"  You would think after hearing it for the four years of their short little lives, it would start to sink it. 

So I now resort to hoarding. 

I also will go through the drive through at Tim Horton's, and tell the kids, "I am just getting a coffee." as I order my iced capp, which is essentially a coffee milkshake.  I am not even sure that there is any coffee in it at all.  But the beautiful thing is, they don't question it.  It is not that I mind buying each and every one of them a chocolate milk or some Tim Bits, I do that all of the time too!  It is just that sometimes, it is close to lunch, and I don't want them to have a bunch of sugar right before nap and so I avoid the crying.  They often ask, "Mommy, is that yummy?  That looks yummy, that doesn't look yucky."  as I sip my sweet, icy, whipped cream and chocolate syrup covered goodness.  I tell them, "Oh, no, it is bitter.  You have tried coffee before, it is yucky and bitter.  Same thing, this is coffee."  Saying this is not really lying, because it is an iced cappucino, and cappucino by definition has espresso in it, and espresso is technically coffee.  "You will like coffee when you are big enough to spell the word sophistication." This does NOT work on Your Royal Highness.  I only use this deviant behavior when he is not with me.

I also sometimes will say I have to go to the bathroom, take my Kindle in there with me, and just
hang out in there for a few minutes just to get some time alone.  I have said this before, if I could have some wine, music, candles, and a box of chocolates in there with me, the bathroom would be like a fine spa.  It is my favorite room in the house right now.  Sweet sweet bathroom....(sigh)

My littlest ones can't read the clock yet, so sometimes I will just start the evening routine early saying it is bedtime when we still have like 30 minutes left.  I only have this card to play for like another year, then the girls will be in kindergarten and will learn how to read time, so I need to use it while I can.  But there are days that I just can't even handle it anymore...and it is either early bedtime, or I am running down the street, screaming, and as you all know , I. Don't. Run.

I also refuse to give up nap time, even though my girls really are too old for it.  They never sleep, and just spend the entire time up there looking at books and playing quietly by themselves, but I just can't bring myself to say,

"You don't have to nap anymore."  It wouldn't be so bad except, nap time is like two and a half hours long, and I get so much stuff done during this time!  I just can't do it!  I can't pull that trigger!  So I make them go up, be on their bed, and lay down with a book or 5, surrounded by stuffed animals (so I don't feel too guilty about making them be in there for two hours with nothing to do), and I get my stuff done.  I am so selfish sometimes, but you know what, they like clean clothes and a clean house, and a sane mommy too, so sometimes we all have to make sacrifices!

So becoming a mother has made me into a terrible person.  I hoard food, don't share, lie, and abuse my motherly power.  Hopefully my children will forgive me one day.  But it is what keeps me nice to them.  If I didn't do these little things for myself, I would not be able to let them drink out of my juice box at all.  So either they will be on the couch when they are older, or, when they become parents, maybe they will take a page from my book of , "How to survive being a stay at home parent and not turn into a crazy person."

Watching the Admiral go to the bathroom does not make us a healthy couple

This year the Admiral and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  We get a lot of questions about "Wow!  That is a long time.  How have you guys been able to make it work for so long, and with 4 kids?"  Usually, I don't even think about it, because, well, I just don't.  But I read a blog post the other day that a friend of mine put on her facebook page to share (she didn't write it, she just read it.)  and as I read it, I had a lot of opinions and ideas about it.  (If you would like to read it, here is the link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kimberley-hinderson/2014/10/14-things-all-healthy-couples-do/

The article was about Things that all  Healthy Couples do.  As I read these, I actually laughed out loud at them.  I feel like The Admiral and I have a pretty darn healthy relationship, and we do little to NONE of these things.  Please please please let me elaborate on this. 

#1 Share the shower.
 Anyone who is anyone knows sharing the shower completely sucks!  Unless you live in one of those richie rich houses where there is an abnormally huge shower with two showerheads, it just is not as romantic as it sounds.  One person is freezing cold and dry, and the other is drowning.  Neither one of you agrees on water temperature, so one or the other is either burning or ice bucket challange cold (which kills the mood right there, does it not?)  And there is NO ROOM.  Elbows are hitting the shower curtain (EW!!!), behinds are touching the wall (Gross, we all know how often those really get cleaned, right?)  and if you are a short girl like me, water is spraying off of your taller than you partner, and getting you right in the eyes, and up the nose, waterboard style.  Sharing showers is not fun, and not romantic.  Plus I always manage to get soap in my mouth...

#2 Pop each other's pimples
If this is what it takes to be a healthy couple, then I will pass thanks.  GROSS!!!  I mean, really?  That makes you a healthy couple?  I am sorry, but the minute he comes at one of my pimples, I am hiring an attorney.  For reals.  Next topic please I just vurped in my mouth.... 

#3 Makes fast food runs at 2am. 

Hmm.  Interesting.  I can tell you right now, if I ever even asked the Admiral to get out of his cozy warm bed, and trudge out to get some Taco Bell at 2am, he would look and wonder if I ever knew him at all.  I can count on one hand how many times he has gone out on a whim just to get a snack for me when he wasn't already having to be out in public for an errand, and all were when I was pregnant, and you just do that for your pregnant wife.  End of story. Pregnant wife: yes, Hormonal wife who just wants fatty fast food at 2 am: get your own ass out of bed and get it yourself, maybe you will burn the calories you will be consuming by moving around.  Plus I can't eat that crap after 6 pm anymore anyway. 

#4 Binge watch TV shows
Now I will say we do this together.  But I also can do this with my girlfriends and my sisters.  Does this mean we have healthy relationships too?

#5 Watch the same TV show while you're in different places
Again, see the above comment.  I actually just did this with a few of my girlfriends watching the Lifetime movie Petals in the Wind.  It was hilarious to watch it and facebook messenger at
the same time.  When you have children, especially small children, you don't get to go see movies or watch TV together like you used to.  So we are always in different places. 

#6 Occupy certain positions and sides of the bed.
I feel that this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.  The bed is more a war zone at times than it is a place where we go to become a healthier happier couple.  I have my side, he has his.  If we could build the Berlin Wall of the Bedroom we totally would.  If his arm wanders over, I am totally poking him and shoving him over.  If I breathe in his face he is building a pillow barricade.  Don't even get me started on the blanket battles. 

#7 Use the bathroom together
How, HOW does this make you a happier couple??  I am sorry, but some things in life should remain a mystery, and for me, the potty is one.  I mean, it really is my ONLY sanctuary right now, so I value my time alone in the bathroom like, a lot.  I would have wine and cheese in there waiting for me with spa music playing if I could.  This is not something that makes you a healthy couple.  It is just Ew. 

#8  Snuggle.  

For the Admiral and I, this has never been a huge need.  I mean, we cuddle for a moment, and hug a lot, but I radiate heat.  I mean RADIATE.  I am like a freaking furnace.  And so is the Admiral.  So snuggling before we fall asleep is never comfortable.  My head gets sweaty, my neck hurts, his arm falls asleep, and it just isn't as fun as you think.  A long hug is about all we are good for, and it has always kind of been like that. 

#9  Pick where and what to eat together.
If the bed is a war zone, this is usually good starting battle.  Here is a little script of how this goes.

A:  What do you want to do about dinner?
M: I feel like getting sushi
A: No, I don't want that.  What else?
M: How about Olive Garden?
A: It is all carbs, I can't eat much there.  Where else?
M: (sighing) Ok, how about that steak house or that local restaurant that is all organic?
A: That is too expensive.
M: Well what do you want?
A: Mexican
M: We eat that EVERY TIME!!  I dont want that this time.  Why did you even ask me if you don't like any of my choices?
A: Just pick something.  Something else that isn't any of those other things you said.
M: Max and Erma's?
A: Ugh, we always go there....
M: Just choose, because you obviously don't like any of my ideas!  I don't even care anymore!!
A: Mexican it is....

#10  Make each other laugh
Ok, now this is one I actually do agree with.  For us, humor is super duper important.  We HAVE to laugh or otherwise things are going to get very very bad.  So when he is down down I make him laugh, and when I am down, he knows to stay the hell away from me for a while, or hand me some chocolate and wine, and tell me to go to bed.  See, this relationship works.

#11 Change clothes in front of each other.
I will be honest, this is something we do, only because most of the time we have to.  It has absolutely nothing to do with being in a healthy relationship or not, and it adds nothing to it.  I change in front of lots of people, I don't see it making my sister and I's relationship any better.

#12  Tolerate Aunt Flo
Ok., so I am not awesome when it comes to PMS.  I am emotional, and angry, and snippy.  The Admiral does one of two things: avoids me, or yells, "IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH FOR YOU??"   To which then he knows that he is about to die, and then goes away and avoids me.  I do not expect him to do any of the following for me, (to quote the author ) "Ask if they need something, 'Do you want chocolate?  Do you have tampons? Compress warm enough? Feel sick?'"  Oh my word!!   I am woman enough to handle my own shiz, I don't need him babying me.  Every woman has to go through this, it doesn't mean you get card blanche to be a prissy little wuss about it.  Suck it up, do your job, get your own darn chocolate and tampons, and take a midol for heavens sake. 

#13 Choose good topics for date night
Like you are going to choose bad ones?  " Hey honey, so I guess this Ebola thing is really getting going....."  Yeah, that will set the mood. 

#14 Make pillow talk.
I can honestly say I am the world's fastest fall-a-sleeper.  Admiral timed me once, 5 minutes.  I hit that pillow after a long day and there is no talk, only sleep.  We try to get that talking in on the couch before bed or on date night, but even on the couch I fall asleep quickly or just want to be silent with my Kindle on Pinterest.  And date night, we are both pretty quiet because it is usually the most quiet we have heard in weeks.  We also joke about going out for date night and parking somewhere and just napping, and how awesome that would be. The author's last line is "And then you fall asleep in each other's arms."  Umm, see #8 on that one.  His side, my side. 

So you are probably thinking, "Tell me, what ARE the signs of healthy couples then?"  And my answer, "I don't know!!"  Every couple is different and what works for me doesn't work for you. And some couples just don't work!  I am not going think that what we do to make our marriage work is the end all be all for ALL healthy couples, because everyone is completely different.  But this is what has helped the Admiral and I stay married, and I think it goes a lot deeper than snuggling and getting me tampons.

1) Talk everyday at some point.  Even for just a few minutes, about anything. Even if it is, "hey, did you see what that chick that married George Clooney wore for the wedding?"
2) Really listen and don't always try to solve the other person's problem, unless they ask for it. 
3) Laugh.  At everything.  Even at yourself.  Even if you feel stupid.  Even if you are angry or sad, find some sort of funny in something.  You have to.
4) Don't keep score when it comes to chores, or romantic gestures.  There are times I do more, and times he does more.  It is not a competition. (Except I am totally winning.  Jk)
5)  Respect each other.  We do not post negative comments about each other on Facebook, or talk about each other to other people.  If there is a problem, we talk to each other.  If one or the other of is is being unreasonable, we wait a while and then talk about it again.  Don't get caught up in that 'don't go to bed angry' crap.  Sometimes the best thing I can do is sleep on it. (to which you know I am falling asleep in about a second flat and then won't care about the problem for a few hours)
6)  Be best friends.  I don't get caught up in the romantic gestures.  If I get flowers, awesome, if I don't, awesome, I will spend that money on shoes. 
7) Saying sorry does not make me any less than.  It just makes me wrong in that instance.  And being wrong is ok sometimes.  I don't make a habit of letting him know I feel that way, but it is a good model for our kids to know, if you are wrong, admit it and move on. 

8) Once you accept the other's apology, move on, and don't bring it back up again.  There is no satisfaction in reminding him how wrong he was..(even though he WAS wrong).  If you keep bringing it up it just hurts feelings.
9) Keep the thing about the thing. I say this all the time.  It is hard not to go out on tangets in an arguement, but if you keep the thing about the thing, it will be over with soooooo much faster.  I am still working on this.  "And you left all of those dishes in the sink, and didn't wash them off, and that makes me so mad.  Which reminds me, I can't believe that you spent all morning at the golf course last saturday and then went back again......"  Keep the thing about the thing.  One argument at a time.
10) Be a team.  Parenting is a long, very drawn out war.  It is you versus them.  You are much more likely to survive if you are a unified front.  Even if you are divorced or separated, co-parenting requires teamwork, or the natives will take over, and hold you hostage.  It is life and death.  Because eventually they will be grown ups one day, and in charge of taking care of YOU.  Our goal is that at least ONE of our kids will be responsible enough to let us live with them until we die....


So what we have learned about us as a couple in the last 18 years.  It works for us.  At least until the zombie apocalypse, in which case, I know we are screwed (The Admiral admits he will be the first to die), so I will be riding off into the sunset with Daryl.  I am so excited for The Walking Dead to start back again on Sunday!  (See, I have a hard time keeping the thing about the thing.)

Stranger Danger

Of all of my children, Little Man, my youngest, is going to be the one that does me in.

I don't know if it is because my attention has been stretched so far with this one so that he has had to rely on his own devices too many times, or if he was just born independant.  With Your Royal Highness, he was born 10 weeks early, and was in the NICU for a few weeks, so when he came home, it was all YRH all the time.  I never let that child out of my grasp, let alone my sight.  Now, I am not a helicopter mom by any means, but I am in his face a lot because I worry about him.  I have been worried about him from the beginning, so it has been ingrained in my relationship with him. 

With the twins it was different.  I was on point with them, but not so worried.  They were healthy babies and so it was a whole new experience.  I was still young enough to worry if they were breathing at night, but not so young and naive that I would wake them up like I did before, to make SURE they were breathing.  But at their ripe old age of 6 months old, I found out I was pregnant with Little Man, and EVERYTHING changed.  I relied on the Admiral way more to help than before.  Before I was too worried for the duties to be 50/50.  It was more like 85/15, and none of that was Admiral's fault, it was all wound-too-tight me.  But with the girls still not sleeping through the night yet, and pregnancy tired setting in, I needed more help. 

So then enter Little Man.  My 10 pound giant of a baby.  He was so adorable and cute, and FINE (no issues at all) and had such a laid back little disposition that I didn't worry about him too much at all.  Now he did start having issues with asthma at around 6 months old, so that was a little nerve wracking, but other than that and eczema, we were golden.  He slept through the night earlier, mostly because by now I had been getting up with babies for like a year and a half, and I was then chasing twin 21 month toddlers around the house and was too tired to hear him. But he was a very good baby.

Fast forward to him being about 15 months old. 

We took the whole family to the pumpkin patch to pick out their pumpkin.  Where we go is a farm that has acres and acres of land.  Tons of pumpkins among other things. We go out to the pumpkin patch part, and it is smack dab in the middle of the feild.  THe kids all vacate the wagon, and look around.  I look over, and Little Man has gotten himself out, and is not walking, but RUNNING down the isle of the field.  Just running.  Like he is running away.  I wait, because I figure, at some point he will turn around and be like, "Oh no, mommy is far away."  but he is getting farther and farther away.  I realize that he is not going to turn around ever.  The Admiral takes off after him and brings him back, and he has the look on his face upon his return as if his plans had been foiled.

Three months later....Christmas.

We go to the mall to get our annual picture with Santa.  The year before Little Man was just an infant, so he did not seem to care if it was Santa holding him or me, as long as he was warm and fed.  This particular year, the mall was packed.  It was a weekend, and it was stupid to try, but The Admiral had been working like crazy and it was the only time he had for us to go together.  We get to the line and it was like the scene from A Christmas Story, "The line stretched all the way back to Tara Haute".  We had a lot of waiting to do.  In the mean time, YRH was taking the twins down to at least SEE Santa with other kids so they would warm up to him before the big event.  Thubellina does not care for Santa.  So that was helpful.  I held the spot, and the Admiral was following Little man while he walked around the mall to burn off that never ending toddler need to roam.  After I get closer to the destination, The Admiral comes back with a look on his face that was half disbelief, and half amazement.  Here is his story:
" So I let Little man go, and he was going fast.  He was running.  I was getting tired, and thought 'I will just see how far he will go before he decides to turn around and look for me.'  He NEVER ONCE did.  He got a good 25-30 feet ahead of me, and turned the corner into JC Penny's.  So I ran ahead because I couldn't see him anymore, and he was just walking on, like he knew where he was going.  I finally grabbed him, but honestly, this kid doesn't care if we are there or not!" 



Last winter...

I take my kids to the library pretty regularly.  Up until recently I would keep Little Man in a stroller just for my own peace of mind.  This particular time I did not bring it, because honestly, the child is almost 3 by this time, and he should be able to handle quick outings without being contained.  I mean eventually he will grow out of the stroller and will need to know to stick with me.  Well we get there, and he takes off running as soon as we get in.  Mini Me looks at me, "Mooom.  Little man took off again.  That boy..."  and shakes her head.  Honestly it is scary how much this child is like me.  So I follow him at a quick clip and see him head to the children's section, (good, that is good) and there in the middle of the room is a group of very nice Asian (I want to say Japanese) women talking in a circle.  Little Man runs into the middle of them and with a huge smile on his face, shouts very loudly at them "Well hi!!!" 

These very nice ladies all laughed and said, "Oh, so cute." and patted him on the head.  I ran over, and said, "I am sorry.  Isn't it a shame how shy my son is?"  and pulled him away.  The looks they gave me told me that my sarcasm was slightly lost in the translation. 

Other incidents have happend on several occasions.  I can't even remember them all.  I will have to say, out of all of them, today takes the cake...

Again, at the library.

I have all of my own children, plus the 2 year old that I watch, and her little baby sister in a stroller with me.  We all make it into the library just fine.  They are all a few steps ahead of me, but walking and talking to each other.  I liberally lecture them before we go, "You must stay with me at all times.  You must always be able to see me.  You must never wander out of the children's section."  

We get there and there is a group from a preschool there doing some sort of project, but really that is about it.  So Mini me and toddler that I sit for make a bee line for the tablets they have available to play some games.  Thumbellina and Little Man are getting settled in to play some puzzels and magnet games. 

(Oh, I really need to preface this with the following:  Last week our theme for the week to study was dinosaurs.  All of a sudden little man has fallen in love with them  He wants to know what all of them are, their names, and what they eat.  Any time he sees one he gets very excited.)

So I start pushing the stroller up and down the isles looking for this week's theme, firefighters.  The shelves are short, so I can see over them, and watch the other kids.  There is also a librarian that sits at the entrance to the children's section, so no one can run away.  I love our library.  I go up and down looking for books, and then glance up at the kids: They are just as I left them.  So I go up another isle looking for books, glance back at the kids: just where I left them.  I go up a third isle, look for books, glance back up....no Little man.  Of course.  I look around for his little fuzzy towhead.  I see the librarian two isles over walking up the isle saying, "well they are here somewhere, let's find them."  with Little man following right behind her, with a very determined look on his face.  She stops and says, "Aha!  Here they are.  Let's get you set up at a table."  and takes him to a small table close by.  As she walks away, I head over to him.  On the table is a very large pile of books all about dinosaurs, and Little Man sitting there with a Cheshire cat-like smile on his face. 

I really don't know whether to be proud of him for taking the initiative to ask the librarian where to find books about dinosaurs, or be terrified that he would not only talk to a stranger, but willingly follow them wherever they want him to go!  I can see him now, some guy in a dirty, pervy looking van pulls up next to him and says, "Hey kid, I got some candy in the back of this van.  You want some?"  And Little Man saying, "Well, let's get in that van then!!!" 

This child scares the hell out of me....