The article was about Things that all Healthy Couples do. As I read these, I actually laughed out loud at them. I feel like The Admiral and I have a pretty darn healthy relationship, and we do little to NONE of these things. Please please please let me elaborate on this.
#1 Share the shower.
Anyone who is anyone knows sharing the shower completely sucks! Unless you live in one of those richie rich houses where there is an abnormally huge shower with two showerheads, it just is not as romantic as it sounds. One person is freezing cold and dry, and the other is drowning. Neither one of you agrees on water temperature, so one or the other is either burning or ice bucket challange cold (which kills the mood right there, does it not?) And there is NO ROOM. Elbows are hitting the shower curtain (EW!!!), behinds are touching the wall (Gross, we all know how often those really get cleaned, right?) and if you are a short girl like me, water is spraying off of your taller than you partner, and getting you right in the eyes, and up the nose, waterboard style. Sharing showers is not fun, and not romantic. Plus I always manage to get soap in my mouth...
#2 Pop each other's pimples
If this is what it takes to be a healthy couple, then I will pass thanks. GROSS!!! I mean, really? That makes you a healthy couple? I am sorry, but the minute he comes at one of my pimples, I am hiring an attorney. For reals. Next topic please I just vurped in my mouth....
#3 Makes fast food runs at 2am.
Hmm. Interesting. I can tell you right now, if I ever even asked the Admiral to get out of his cozy warm bed, and trudge out to get some Taco Bell at 2am, he would look and wonder if I ever knew him at all. I can count on one hand how many times he has gone out on a whim just to get a snack for me when he wasn't already having to be out in public for an errand, and all were when I was pregnant, and you just do that for your pregnant wife. End of story. Pregnant wife: yes, Hormonal wife who just wants fatty fast food at 2 am: get your own ass out of bed and get it yourself, maybe you will burn the calories you will be consuming by moving around. Plus I can't eat that crap after 6 pm anymore anyway.
#4 Binge watch TV shows
Now I will say we do this together. But I also can do this with my girlfriends and my sisters. Does this mean we have healthy relationships too?
#5 Watch the same TV show while you're in different places
Again, see the above comment. I actually just did this with a few of my girlfriends watching the Lifetime movie Petals in the Wind. It was hilarious to watch it and facebook messenger at
the same time. When you have children, especially small children, you don't get to go see movies or watch TV together like you used to. So we are always in different places.
#6 Occupy certain positions and sides of the bed.
I feel that this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. The bed is more a war zone at times than it is a place where we go to become a healthier happier couple. I have my side, he has his. If we could build the Berlin Wall of the Bedroom we totally would. If his arm wanders over, I am totally poking him and shoving him over. If I breathe in his face he is building a pillow barricade. Don't even get me started on the blanket battles.
How, HOW does this make you a happier couple?? I am sorry, but some things in life should remain a mystery, and for me, the potty is one. I mean, it really is my ONLY sanctuary right now, so I value my time alone in the bathroom like, a lot. I would have wine and cheese in there waiting for me with spa music playing if I could. This is not something that makes you a healthy couple. It is just Ew.
#8 Snuggle.
For the Admiral and I, this has never been a huge need. I mean, we cuddle for a moment, and hug a lot, but I radiate heat. I mean RADIATE. I am like a freaking furnace. And so is the Admiral. So snuggling before we fall asleep is never comfortable. My head gets sweaty, my neck hurts, his arm falls asleep, and it just isn't as fun as you think. A long hug is about all we are good for, and it has always kind of been like that.
#9 Pick where and what to eat together.
If the bed is a war zone, this is usually good starting battle. Here is a little script of how this goes.
A: What do you want to do about dinner?
M: I feel like getting sushi
A: No, I don't want that. What else?
M: How about Olive Garden?
A: It is all carbs, I can't eat much there. Where else?
M: (sighing) Ok, how about that steak house or that local restaurant that is all organic?
A: That is too expensive.
M: Well what do you want?
A: Mexican
M: We eat that EVERY TIME!! I dont want that this time. Why did you even ask me if you don't like any of my choices?
A: Just pick something. Something else that isn't any of those other things you said.
M: Max and Erma's?
A: Ugh, we always go there....
M: Just choose, because you obviously don't like any of my ideas! I don't even care anymore!!
A: Mexican it is....
#10 Make each other laugh
Ok, now this is one I actually do agree with. For us, humor is super duper important. We HAVE to laugh or otherwise things are going to get very very bad. So when he is down down I make him laugh, and when I am down, he knows to stay the hell away from me for a while, or hand me some chocolate and wine, and tell me to go to bed. See, this relationship works.
#11 Change clothes in front of each other.
I will be honest, this is something we do, only because most of the time we have to. It has absolutely nothing to do with being in a healthy relationship or not, and it adds nothing to it. I change in front of lots of people, I don't see it making my sister and I's relationship any better.
Ok., so I am not awesome when it comes to PMS. I am emotional, and angry, and snippy. The Admiral does one of two things: avoids me, or yells, "IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH FOR YOU??" To which then he knows that he is about to die, and then goes away and avoids me. I do not expect him to do any of the following for me, (to quote the author ) "Ask if they need something, 'Do you want chocolate? Do you have tampons? Compress warm enough? Feel sick?'" Oh my word!! I am woman enough to handle my own shiz, I don't need him babying me. Every woman has to go through this, it doesn't mean you get card blanche to be a prissy little wuss about it. Suck it up, do your job, get your own darn chocolate and tampons, and take a midol for heavens sake.
#13 Choose good topics for date night
Like you are going to choose bad ones? " Hey honey, so I guess this Ebola thing is really getting going....." Yeah, that will set the mood.
#14 Make pillow talk.
I can honestly say I am the world's fastest fall-a-sleeper. Admiral timed me once, 5 minutes. I hit that pillow after a long day and there is no talk, only sleep. We try to get that talking in on the couch before bed or on date night, but even on the couch I fall asleep quickly or just want to be silent with my Kindle on Pinterest. And date night, we are both pretty quiet because it is usually the most quiet we have heard in weeks. We also joke about going out for date night and parking somewhere and just napping, and how awesome that would be. The author's last line is "And then you fall asleep in each other's arms." Umm, see #8 on that one. His side, my side.
So you are probably thinking, "Tell me, what ARE the signs of healthy couples then?" And my answer, "I don't know!!" Every couple is different and what works for me doesn't work for you. And some couples just don't work! I am not going think that what we do to make our marriage work is the end all be all for ALL healthy couples, because everyone is completely different. But this is what has helped the Admiral and I stay married, and I think it goes a lot deeper than snuggling and getting me tampons.
1) Talk everyday at some point. Even for just a few minutes, about anything. Even if it is, "hey, did you see what that chick that married George Clooney wore for the wedding?"
2) Really listen and don't always try to solve the other person's problem, unless they ask for it.
3) Laugh. At everything. Even at yourself. Even if you feel stupid. Even if you are angry or sad, find some sort of funny in something. You have to.
4) Don't keep score when it comes to chores, or romantic gestures. There are times I do more, and times he does more. It is not a competition. (Except I am totally winning. Jk)
5) Respect each other. We do not post negative comments about each other on Facebook, or talk about each other to other people. If there is a problem, we talk to each other. If one or the other of is is being unreasonable, we wait a while and then talk about it again. Don't get caught up in that 'don't go to bed angry' crap. Sometimes the best thing I can do is sleep on it. (to which you know I am falling asleep in about a second flat and then won't care about the problem for a few hours)
6) Be best friends. I don't get caught up in the romantic gestures. If I get flowers, awesome, if I don't, awesome, I will spend that money on shoes.
7) Saying sorry does not make me any less than. It just makes me wrong in that instance. And being wrong is ok sometimes. I don't make a habit of letting him know I feel that way, but it is a good model for our kids to know, if you are wrong, admit it and move on.
9) Keep the thing about the thing. I say this all the time. It is hard not to go out on tangets in an arguement, but if you keep the thing about the thing, it will be over with soooooo much faster. I am still working on this. "And you left all of those dishes in the sink, and didn't wash them off, and that makes me so mad. Which reminds me, I can't believe that you spent all morning at the golf course last saturday and then went back again......" Keep the thing about the thing. One argument at a time.
10) Be a team. Parenting is a long, very drawn out war. It is you versus them. You are much more likely to survive if you are a unified front. Even if you are divorced or separated, co-parenting requires teamwork, or the natives will take over, and hold you hostage. It is life and death. Because eventually they will be grown ups one day, and in charge of taking care of YOU. Our goal is that at least ONE of our kids will be responsible enough to let us live with them until we die....
So what we have learned about us as a couple in the last 18 years. It works for us. At least until the zombie apocalypse, in which case, I know we are screwed (The Admiral admits he will be the first to die), so I will be riding off into the sunset with Daryl. I am so excited for The Walking Dead to start back again on Sunday! (See, I have a hard time keeping the thing about the thing.)
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