I am a terrible person

I am a terrible person.  I have not always been a terrible person, but as I deal with the flying monkeys day in and day out, I have begun to turn into a terrible person.  I once heard in church a wonderful saying, "Picture yourself as a juice box.  Every time you give yourself to your family or children, they are taking a sip.  As the day ends, your juice box has had so many sips, it is collapsing in on itself."  Now I know that they finished up that alliteration by saying that the only way to refill that box of juice is to take quiet time out with God, and and He will refill it. Yeah I get it, I get it, and I understand.  But I like that visual.  The kids have a big fight that I have to break up, (sip), Little man has a tantrum (sip), The Admiral yells down the stairs, "How long has this laundry been in the washer (sip sip),Your Royal Highness needs kicked in the butt all morning to get out of the door, dressed and with everything he needs, (sip sip sip).  I do  feel like a juice box.  And I believe that because of the tremendous pressure from my box collapsing in on itself,  I have started exhibiting some terrible behaviors.

I have started hiding candy bars all over the house. 

Not giant size ones, but those mini ones.  I have a bag of York Peppermint patties hiding in a photo cupboard in my living room.  I also have hidden a bag of Heath bars in the console of the van ( no one really ever looks in there because almost all of them are still in carseats.)  I also may have a few bars stashed in the tampax box in my bathroom. 

My life has become a shadow of what I thought it would be.  I am hiding candy.  WTH happened to me?  But you know, the thing is, if these flying monkeys that I call my children would let me have just one thing that this mine, just ONE, I would not have to resort to such psychotic behavior. 

Is it that I mind sharing candy with my children?  No, of course not.  I share candy with them all of the time.  I get them treats.  But the problem is, THEY are the ones that do not share.  I will open a bag in the morning, and then go out in the afternoon after lunch to have a snack size hershey bar, and the entire bag is GONE!  These people thatI live with (besides the Admiral) are horrible horrible sharers!  And not from lack of teaching. For heavevns sake I say it all day long!  "Share with your brother!"  "Share with your sister!"  You would think after hearing it for the four years of their short little lives, it would start to sink it. 

So I now resort to hoarding. 

I also will go through the drive through at Tim Horton's, and tell the kids, "I am just getting a coffee." as I order my iced capp, which is essentially a coffee milkshake.  I am not even sure that there is any coffee in it at all.  But the beautiful thing is, they don't question it.  It is not that I mind buying each and every one of them a chocolate milk or some Tim Bits, I do that all of the time too!  It is just that sometimes, it is close to lunch, and I don't want them to have a bunch of sugar right before nap and so I avoid the crying.  They often ask, "Mommy, is that yummy?  That looks yummy, that doesn't look yucky."  as I sip my sweet, icy, whipped cream and chocolate syrup covered goodness.  I tell them, "Oh, no, it is bitter.  You have tried coffee before, it is yucky and bitter.  Same thing, this is coffee."  Saying this is not really lying, because it is an iced cappucino, and cappucino by definition has espresso in it, and espresso is technically coffee.  "You will like coffee when you are big enough to spell the word sophistication." This does NOT work on Your Royal Highness.  I only use this deviant behavior when he is not with me.

I also sometimes will say I have to go to the bathroom, take my Kindle in there with me, and just
hang out in there for a few minutes just to get some time alone.  I have said this before, if I could have some wine, music, candles, and a box of chocolates in there with me, the bathroom would be like a fine spa.  It is my favorite room in the house right now.  Sweet sweet bathroom....(sigh)

My littlest ones can't read the clock yet, so sometimes I will just start the evening routine early saying it is bedtime when we still have like 30 minutes left.  I only have this card to play for like another year, then the girls will be in kindergarten and will learn how to read time, so I need to use it while I can.  But there are days that I just can't even handle it anymore...and it is either early bedtime, or I am running down the street, screaming, and as you all know , I. Don't. Run.

I also refuse to give up nap time, even though my girls really are too old for it.  They never sleep, and just spend the entire time up there looking at books and playing quietly by themselves, but I just can't bring myself to say,

"You don't have to nap anymore."  It wouldn't be so bad except, nap time is like two and a half hours long, and I get so much stuff done during this time!  I just can't do it!  I can't pull that trigger!  So I make them go up, be on their bed, and lay down with a book or 5, surrounded by stuffed animals (so I don't feel too guilty about making them be in there for two hours with nothing to do), and I get my stuff done.  I am so selfish sometimes, but you know what, they like clean clothes and a clean house, and a sane mommy too, so sometimes we all have to make sacrifices!

So becoming a mother has made me into a terrible person.  I hoard food, don't share, lie, and abuse my motherly power.  Hopefully my children will forgive me one day.  But it is what keeps me nice to them.  If I didn't do these little things for myself, I would not be able to let them drink out of my juice box at all.  So either they will be on the couch when they are older, or, when they become parents, maybe they will take a page from my book of , "How to survive being a stay at home parent and not turn into a crazy person."