The goal is to keep them off the pole

My daughters are killing me.

I don't even know what to do with them.  I knew it was going to be rough, but I was not prepared for how EARLY this shizzle was going to start.

A while ago, the little boy from down the street started sniffing around our house.  He is about a year younger than the twins, so he was in kindergarten,  and he apparently rides the bus with them.  He started coming over after school and on weekends.
"Can mini me come out and play?"

  She would come out and then all the rest of my million children would just follow her outside, because, the more the merrier, right?

Fast forward to a few weeks after he started coming around.  I get a text from his mom.

"KND (Kid next door)  is coming over to ask mini me's dad a question."

"OK"

KND shows up.
"Mrs., Can I please talk to Admiral?"
 I go and get him.
"Excuse me.  I would like to ask if Mini Me could come over and watch a movie with me at my house?"
 The  Admiral looks dubiously at him, and says, "I suppose. Could Thumbelina come too?"
"Uh, yes." but KND looks a little disappointed.
He then held out his hand for Admiral to shake.
Admiral looked at him with amusement,  and dutifully shook his hand.

 The girls went over,  and are there for a couple of hours.  (Sidebar: Can. Not. Even. Tell you how awesome it is that my children can go to other kids' houses now and I DON'T HAVE TO GO!!!! No more awkward small talk with people I am being forced to talk to.  Yay!!) I walk over later to tell them it is time to come home, and KND's dad answers the door.
" HI!  Ready for your girls to come back? "
"Yep!  Thank you for having them!"
"No problem.  Did KND ask their dad if Mini me could come over?"
I looked at him strangely.  "He did."
"Good. I told him, if he was going to be asking girls to go to movies with him, he needed to talk to their father first and shake his hand. I didn't know if you could tell or not, but he has a pretty big crush on Mini me."

I almost passed out right there on their lawn.

I did NOT realize this was a date!! I laughed a very awkward laugh, and said, "uh, wow.  Ok. haha."

Fast forward to this summer.  It was the last few days of summer break.  Thumbellina was in her room playing with her Barbie's. Little Man was on the computer playing mine-craft (This WILL BE a whole other post.  OMG....I can't.  I just can't with the mine-craft.)  And Mini me was at the table coloring.  KND came to the back door and asked if she could play.

 Ever since the whole "date" episode, I just kind of have all the kids go out and play together intentionally now.

  Because....no.  Just no.

Well, On this particular day, Thumbellina was having too much fun with Barbie and her new RV she had just gotten.  She did not want to play outside.  Little Man feigned deafness when I asked.  Creepers needed destroyed, and what was I even doing talking to him?

So reluctantly, I said yes.

Even though the air conditioner was running, I left the back door open. I saw them swinging.  Then after a while they were jumping on the trampoline.
Then all of a sudden, as they were running across the yard, KND slyly tries to GRAB MY MINI ME"S HAND!!  To hold it in his grubby little mit!!
Much to my relief she shook him off and ran ahead of him.  I did a fist pump.
In my head I am yelling Yes!!  She shut that shiz down!!  That's momma's girl!
I continue washing dishes.

A few minutes later, I see them sitting on the trampoline together.  I stare at them.  They are sitting too close for my liking.  They are having some sort of deep conversation here.  I do not like this one bit.

I wait a beat.
In my head:
They are still sitting talking. 
 What the hell are they talking about??  
What would a kindergarten-er have to say that is so captivating to listen to?  
She starts smiling. 
 Why is she smiling?  He is a kindergarten-er, he isn't funny, why is she smiling? Stop smiling at him.  
He scoots closer.
Oh you little punk...don't you even dare think about it.....
But she suddenly hops off the trampoline, and walks over to the sidewalk because a friend is riding up on her bike calling to her.

Praises to Sweet baby Jesus!!!

In a few minutes Mini me comes in for popsicles.  I try to be super nonchalant.

"Whatcha guys doing out there?"
"Oh nothing, just jumping and swinging."
"Looks like you guys had quite an intense conversation out there.  What were you talking about?
She immediately turns red and looks away from me."I, uh, don't want to talk about it."
I raise my eyebrows.  Um. Not an option sister.  I drop my voice to a serious tone.
"What were you talking about."
"Nothing.  I don't want to talk about it."
The friend on the bike comes in, and I see KND run home from my back door.
"Oh we are SO talking about this later missy.  You just put a pin in that, and know I WILL come back to this conversation."

Upon later investigation, apparently KND asked MY MINI ME to be his girlfriend.  And she said....YES!!!!  

WHAT.....EVEN?????

Is this real life????  What just happened??

Here I have Thumbellina kissing boys on the playground, so much so that a TEACHER had to intervene, and now my other daughter is starting relationships with boys younger than her!

Fix it Jesus.  Fix it all...

When Admiral and I had the girls, we would say, "well, as long as it keeps them off the pole".  Time outs, discipline, work ethic, goals, responsibilities, spiritual well being....all of our parenting skills were to work toward essentially achieving the goal of "Keeping the girls off the pole" when they are adults.

But if these are the problems I am dealing with going into second grade, I shudder to think of what I am going to be dealing with a short seven or eight years from now. The pole  is the least of my worries at this point.

So I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to send them to a convent.  There just is no other option.  Do those even exist anymore?  It seemed to work in The Sound of Music for Maria. How DO we solve a problem like Maria? Well, I am going to send them there to figure it out, because no.  Just no.

To top all this off, I have Little Man, all of 6 years old, walking up to girls at the YMCA, leaning on the wall, folding his arms,cocking up one eyebrow and saying, "So, come here to the Y often?"

Stick a fork in me people.  I am done.

If you want to find me, I am locked in my room, with a bag of Doritos watching Gilmore Girls and ugly crying about how babies grow up and betray us by having feelings about the opposite sex, and then lamenting because they stop telling their mommies and daddies, "I want to marry YOU when I grow up."

I mean, is living at home and being my babies forever REALLY so bad??