Brace yourselves....

It is happening people. 

A day that I have dreaded is upon us.

I saw it coming, and nothing I could do would stop it.  No amount of preparations could get me ready.  It came whether I liked it or not.

Next week.....

I turn 40.


I will give you moment to recover.


Not that 40 is even considered old anymore by most groups of people, (and when I say groups of people, I mean anyone 40 or older), but it is just the end of an era.  And along with this milestone, certain things are expected.  Things that I am not sure I have under my belt yet.  

1. I still have not decided what I want to be when I grow up.
You would think by the age of 40, after having been in a certain field for so long, that you have achieved what you wanted to do with your life...career wise.  You would be WRONG in my case.  I am a stay at home mom/home preschool teacher.  I like teaching.  I tolerate children very well.  I manage to teach these little germballs the basics, and more, before they flit off to school when they are 5ish.  I do my job very well.  But when I close my eyes at night....I .see myself doing something different.  I still have visions of being a Broadway star. (In case anyone did NOT know, I went to the Ohio University school of music to become just this thing.  I am still scratching my head about how my path forked so far left that i ended up singing twinkle twinkle little star to a bunch of people that would prefer to hear Mickey Mouse sing The Hot Dog song. I was in Carmina Burana for crying outloud!!!  But I digress..)   So do I like my job...yes.  Do I love my job...sure.  Is this what I want to be when I grow up?  Meh.....

2.  I still like to do my hair like I am in high school
Being a kid from the 80s-90s, I was in that big hair era.  So do I mean that?  No I do not.  Some things are better left in memories.  (Aquanet is still be expelled from my lungs.....)  I mean that I enjoy a good messy bun,  or 5, piled all over my head.  I like a crown of braids.  I like pigtails.  I like scrunchies  But in all honesty...how many 40 year olds do you see wearing their hair like that?  I have a choice. I Can wear it down (which unless I am doing my hair daily, AND I AM NOT, I have 4 kids for crying out loud I am lucky to get a shower, this is not happening.)  Or a ponytail.  And at age 40, can one even do a cute high ponytail and NOT look like they are trying too hard to be young?  Do I HAVE to do a low sophisticated ponytail?  Because the back of my neck still gets hot when I do this, and the point of the ponytail is because it is hot and in my face while I am dancing the hot diggity dog.

3. I have not lost that babyweight yet.
I still have that pesky 30 pounds hanging on that I meant to lose after I had my last kid. And at this point, he is 5, so there really is no saying it is babyweight anymore.  Let's call it what it is...Tacos.  I have a taco baby sitting right around my lower belly....(and arms, and butt, and legs....but don't worry about it), This baby is entirely made out of corn tortilla and nacho cheese.  It may possibly have a strong bloodline of white and red wine flowing through it's circulatory system.  But the point is...it NEVER WENT AWAY.  I did weight watchers.  I did fitbit.  I did my fitness pal.  But guess what? I discovered that I really like tacos, and Netflix.  So we are at in impasse.

4. My house doesn't have a STYLE
I thought that by this time, I would have figured out a decorating style that I liked.  Like my sister, who has lovely art on the walls.  She has an entire bathroom dedicated to front doors.  I am not kidding.  Her bathroom is decorated in pictures of front doors from her family. With two old doorknobs from our house growing up  or someone's house growing up that has some sort of historical value to her.  It is put together.  It looks nice.  It says, "Welcome.  I have my life together."  My house when you walk in says, "It was on sale, and we needed something to hold our shoes." Our art?  Family pictures, school pictures, deflated balloons from a a birthday party a month ago and dirty hand prints.  There is also a splattering of bananas on the wall that I may or may not leave because it looks amazingly like Mother Teresa.  I have no real art on the walls, except one painting that I PAINTED at a wine and canvas party.  (had to feed that taco baby it's wine...)


5.I don't feel 40

But mostly, I do not FEEL like I am 40.  When I close my eyes and look at the picture of myself in my head, I feel 30.  I feel like I am older than my 20's, because I have earned that.  Sleepless nights, working hard, pushing through life's obstacles, I FEEL like I am past that 20 and irresponsible stage.  Plus I do have a modicum of wisdom about life under my belt.  Things I have learned:
-Don't spend too much on credit cards
-It is ok to say hi to someone you think is cooler than you, because they aren't.
-There really is no such thing as COOL when you are adult.  You can wear the trendiest clothes and the trendiest hair, but chances are, you had to clean up your dog's poop just like the rest of us. And if you had a baby, a whole room full of strangers you will never see again have seen the holiest of holies.
-Your hair WILL grow back.  So if you regret those bangs, or that pixie cut, time will heal.
-Staying up late drinking will hurt the next day. You will regret it.  But you will do it again.
-It is ok to like yourself.
-It is ok to BE yourself
-Tacos are delicious

Though I don't feel like I am 40 in my head, there are certain things I can't do anymore that remind me I certainly am NOT 30 anymore. I can NOT:
-get up off the floor without saying, "Ugh"
-get up in the morning without saying "Ugh."
-Walking across the room after sitting too long without something making a popping sound.
-Sit on the floor for longer than 15 minutes without repercussions.
-Drink too much on a worknight
-Eat after 8 without heartburn

-drink caffeine after 5 without trouble sleeping
-go all night without getting up to go to the bathroom

So it is coming.  I see it on the horizon.

 Freaking 40.

 Oh well, at least there are tacos.

May we bow our heads

I truly believe that I have adult ADHD.

As I go along my merry way here in life, I have noticed things that have lead me to believe this. For one, I have a really really hard time sitting still for any length of time.  I barely make it through movies anymore.  And if we are watching a movie at home, forget it.  I am up, getting snacks, cleaning up messes, filing taxes....whatever.  I just can't do it anymore. 

Which is what brings me to today's pondering.  I can't make it through an entire prayer start to finish.  I try!  I really do!!  But ultimately two things end up happening. 

#1, I start my bedtime prayer every night the same.  "Dear Father, thank you so much for all of the blessings you have given me today...."  Then I will either go into specifics of wonderful things I have been blessed with, or I will praying for friends and anything that they may be dealing with.  I should say, START to pray for them.  Because this is what happens.  "God, please help my daddy.  Help his body to heal......zzzzzzzz *snore*"  I fall asleep ridiculously fast.  And that is even if I make it that far.  I have even started with "Dear Father.....zzzzzz *Snore*" 

But that is bedtime prayer.  If I am trying to do any type of quiet time, the following happens.  Every. Single. Time. 

5:00 I wake up.   Oh, look.  5 am.  I have time to myself before people wake up.  Awesome.  I will make some coffee and do quiet time this morning.  Oh, (stretching) ow.  Ow ow ow.  My knees and back.  Ow.  Just ow.  When did I get old?  Ugh.  (Walking downstairs) why does coffee have to take so long to perk.  I want it now.  
Coffee is ready, and I am on the couch ready for some quiet time.  I bow my head.

Dear God, thank you for a great nights sleep.

 Sleep. 

 It wasn't really a great nights sleep, I am pretty tired.  I think maybe we need a new mattress.  How old is our mattress?  I think it is like 12 years old.  Aren't you supposed to replace it after like 8 years.  Eh, that is a gimmick by mattress companies just to get you to buy mattresses.  Oh, I am supposed to be praying.  

Thank you God for coffee.  Oh yeah, and that reminds me a little of that prayer Our pastor taught our kids.  That one he sings to the tune of Superman....:Thank you God....for giving us food....- Yeah, I thank you for the food God, but I don't know if I can sing that one more time.  The kids want to do that one CONSTANTLY. Thanks a lot Pastor Terry.... Oh yeah, I need to sign up for that membership class as church.  I think it is time.  Oh oops, back to praying....ummm,

 God please help me to be patient with the children today.  Help me not to yell at them.  But you know, if they would just listen I wouldn't have to yell so much.  I mean for crying out loud, I know they hear me!  But maybe Little man can't.  He seems to have a really hard time with that.  Maybe he has a hearing problem.  I should probably get his ears looked at.  They are pretty waxy.  Oh gosh, what if  he is going deaf?!  I don't know what I would do!  Do you have to get a service animal if you are deaf.  If so, I bet that our new dog would be awesome at that.  He is so smart!  I can't believe how fast he learns.  Now if I could teach him to pick up his own poop we would be in business.  Heh heh, business.  Like dog business.  I guess we wouldn't be in business, HE would literally be in business...oh geez, back to praying. 

 Ok, ummm, God, please give me energy and strength to keep up with these people today....Oh. My. Gosh....is that a BOOGER on the wall??  That is disgusting.  WE are disgusting.  I don't even want to know who did that.  I don't.  Ugh, I will have to clean that up.  I really need to deep clean.  This house is a mess.  There is dust all over that baseboard.  I don't think I have EVER dusted that baseboard.  How long have we lived here?  Almost three years?  I haven't dusted baseboards in three years.  We live like pigs.  I don't even want to know what is creeping under that refrigerator.  I should probably clean that out too.  I think I saw some chili in a container back there.  I can't even remember the last time we had chili.  Eww, I bet its furry.  Like the FUR UNDER THE TABLE.  Good Lord, look at that.  Oh....whoops....Lord, I was talking to you. 

 Sorry.  Ummm....where was I? 

 Oh, strength.  Please give me strength today.  You know, if I worked out more, I would have an easier time keeping up with these people.  I like to swim.  I did get the membership to the YMCA, maybe I should try doing it in the morning when they open at like 5am.  Yeah but then I wouldn't have much time for quiet time....WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING NOW!!!!  Ahhh!!!! 

 Ok, For real.  God, please bless all of these people on my prayer list.....(I read through my list of special needs, then come to my normal list of people I pray for daily) Fernando...Oh man, wonder what he is up to.  I really should call him.  Its been what, two years since we actually talked?  I mean, we text sometimes, but that isn't the same as hearing his voice.  Of course we do have different lives now....I am married with the admiral, and have four children, he is single with none...

Oh, yeah, prayer list.....

Ummm, please watch out for my bestie who runs the hotel.....oh, I miss her.  I need to get up there to see her.  That was so cool the last time I went up.  There was a giant deer out side my window when I woke up!  I wonder how many deer go through our yard.  Well, if they eat voles they can come anytime.  Stinking voles eating up our yard.  I am telling you.  I am going to break an ankle if they don't stop digging holes.  Maybe the dog will catch them.  Little rodents.  I hate mice.  Germ carrying, bubonic plague nastiness.  Wonder if the bubonic plague would even happen again.  That would be freaky.  Reminds me of Monty Python's Holy Grail..."Bring out your dead!!!"  hahaha....dead....holy....crap, Praying, right.  ummm, 

(Footsteps heard overhead.)

 Ugh, kids up.  Well, I will hurry this up God.  Please bless my family, friends and children today.  Give me strength and guidance.  And hope you have a good day too!  Love you. Amen

And that is why when I get to heaven, God is going to say, "Tiffany, so happy to see you. The Adderol is right over there."  

Mommy needs a tissue.

Grief is a weird thing.

There are no rules.  There is no handbook on "this is the way you are supposed to handle a death in the family" and it be in black in white.

There are suggestions from experts.  There are stages, but no one follows them to the letter.  It is a bizarr and weird and sad, and happy time all at the same time.

You made a weird face that I said happy didn't you?  Well, it kinda is really, at moments anyway.  One minute you will be crying and sad because of the loss you feel, the regret of things you didn't get to do or say.  And the next moment you are laughing about a memory that is so funny, and with the sadness behind it, it only intensifies that laughter.  It also feels like sometimes things that were not funny at the time, are extremely funny after a person passes away.  A certain mannerism, or a reaction to an event, that may have been embarrassing or cringe worthy at the time,  is downright hilarious after the person is gone.

My mother in law passed this weekend.  So we have been dealing with the tsunami of emotions that are rushing at us in the wake of that earthquake. I feel like as a parent, explaining to my very small children what death is, has been eye opening, and has actually completely simplified some of the process.  It makes things that we THINK are completely gray in color, black and white again.  Here is a conversation with me and Little man:

Little man:  Mom, did grandma go to heaven?
Me: Yes sir she did.
Little man: is Thor up there with her?  (by the way, that dog I blogged about forever ago that I was so worried about his passing...well it happened.  On the twins' birthday which also happened to fall on Easter this year.  He got the last laugh on that one I think. Little jerk.  I loved him so much.)
Me: I would say absolutely yes.  (Come on, I have no idea whether or not dogs really do go to heaven, but I am going to say yes because I certainly want to believe that too.  Plus, I feel like if I need my dog in heaven, God loves me enough he is going to put him there.  So yes, dogs go to heaven.  Suck it theologians.) 
Little Man: Do you think he is chasing bunnies?
Me: Of course.
LIttle Man: Do giraffes go to heaven?
Me: Sure.
Little Man:  I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!!

Is he asking me about the soul qualifications of animals and whether or not they need one to get to heaven?  No.  Animals go to heaven, be it dogs or giraffes or dinosaurs.  Black and White.

I think the hardest part of grief is letting my children see me cry.  I know we as mothers hold it in, and hold it in until we feel as if we are going to burst.  Why do we do that?  Isn't it NORMAL to cry sometimes?  When we are overwhelmed, when we are sad, isn't crying an appropriate response?  When we feel as if we can't do it all, we will cry in the bathroom alone, and wait until we are presentanble again.  Why are we ashamed of that emotion?  We let our children see us happy, and excited and angry and proud.  Why is grief so taboo that we can't let our children see this, and process seeing us sad?  Is this not a life lesson to learn as well, that crying is ok? That it is appropriate to be sad and let tears flow?  I feel like our children deserve to be allowed to see their mother's cry.  They deserve to have that lesson.

As in any grieving process, the Admiral and I also had some anger which resulted in an argument at one point. Because I was so raw  in my emotions, I was crying while taking Little man with me to the grocery.

Little Man: Mom are you going to put your tears away? (this is how I ask him to stop crying when he is throwing a fit)
Me: I will soon.  Daddy was just angry and I was angry and now I am just sad about that. I don't like when daddy is mad at me, and I don't like to be angry at him, it isn't a good feeling.
Little Man: I don't either.  But, just because someone is angry, doesn't mean they don't love you.
Me: (crying even harder) You are so right.  When did you get so smart?
Little Man: I do ABC mouse on the computer....

It may be hard for them to see the tears, but I feel it is necessary.  Crying should not be scary and unknown to them.  Just as anger and fear can be shown in doses, so should sadness.  So in the words of Elsa, I am going to make sure to   "Let it Go" if I need to. 

The other thing I have noticed with grief, it is such a strong thing, that evokes such strong emotions from everyone, and since no one deals with grief the same, sometimes there is some serious DRAMA.  I don't' know about you, but as a lover of spectating other people's drama, I don't so much enjoy when the drama makes me be a participant.  Watching=fine and entertaining.  Being thrust out upon that stage.....not so much fun.  I feel like this is where I keep chanting the mantra that Jenny repeated over and over in the movie Forest Gump, "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly, far far away"  Why do people do that???  Why make drama??  Isn't this process hard enough without  adding crazy to the mix?  Personally, I just want to focus on my family.  Peddle your crazy elsewhere, I am full up here, thanks.

Really I have no point of closure to this rant.  All this is, is a rant not a story, not a lesson.  Just me pondering this whole process as I live it.  Grief is just so strange.  It is messy, and dirty, and a roller coaster of emotions.  And eventually, it fades.  For days it is all you think about, and then one day  it isn't the first thing you think about when you wake up anymore.  It is the second thing, then the third thing, then finally it is the last thing you think about before bed.  And ultimately it is the thing you just remember when something reminds you.  Grief is weird, but it is tolerable.  In actuality, it is inevitable.  And it is something that, though different to everyone, I feel, must be taught to our children that it CAN be handled , so that when they are in the midst of it, they can remember," my mother/father went through this and lived, so I can do this."   It is our responsiblity as their parent.

Being an adult really really sucks sometimes.......

  

Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde

I think that the first person diagnosed with multiple personality disorder was a tween.

I have no idea when it happened.  It was like one night I sent my little boy to bed, perfectly content with playing with star wars action figures, having Nerf wars, and watching Fireman Sam on Sprout.  Then in the morning this surly, dour, tween came out of his room after sleeping in until 10am.

Your Royal Highness (as we like to refer to him) is now 12 years old.  He had his birthday over a very long car ride from our House to Denver for a family vacation.  This did not please his majesty, but he will definitely get over it.  YRH (for short) was always such a sweet boy.  He was always a very good boy too.  With a shock of red hair on top of his little pale freckled head and sparkly blue eyes, he was just the cutest little boy.  He was always happy, always positive and looked on the bright side. One night I sent him to bed, kissed and hugged him good night at the usual 9pm.  At 10 am the next morning, Mr. Hyde came out of his room.

The thing that they don't tell you about tweens is that they absolutely pull Jeckle and Hyde with you on a daily, sometimes hourly, some times minute-ly basis.  One second they are too school for cool, and the next they are wanting to curl up in your lap and have you play with their hair.  One second they are talking about the "CPR" (chick progress report), and then in an instant they are playing with little green army men and having a "war" in the playroom.  One minute they are watching "The Avengers" with you at the theater, then come home and turn on "Paw Patrol".

YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS GOING TO SHOW UP!!!

Parent.  Beware. 

This can make talking to them a very very tricky tightrope to walk.  On Monday when you joked with your tween about how when his hair grows a little too long, it kind of bushes out like Lego hair, you both laughed and had a good chuckle about it.

But beware.

 If you bring it up again later on your way to the barber, He may glare at you and say, "You are so mean to me.  Why do you always have to pick on me."  To which you will then spend the entirety of the car ride to the barber apologizing and trying to make up for it by telling him all of the wonderful things that you DO love about him.

One afternoon you ask your tween if he will please go up and straighten up all of the legos in his room so that you can vacuum, and he responds with a smile and "sure mom!" but then the following week you ask with the same demeanor and tone of voice and are then presented with an eye roll, and a sassy, "Gaaaaawd, I have to do EEEEEEEEVVVVERYYYYYY thing around here!!!!"  followed by stomping up the stairs.  In this case it is very very easy to retaliate with listing all of the things that YOU do indeed do around the house and how in fact YOU are the one to do EEEEEEEEVVVVERYYYYYY thing around the house.

 THIS IS A TRAP!!  Do not engage!!

 This is merely a ploy to get you talking and so frustrated and angry that you delay the cleaning , or to just ultimately cause you to forget to make him go up and clean at all.  At all costs bite your lip and move on.


Also, tweens are very aware of the  feelings that you are having on just realizing that they are growing up

quickly and your dawning panic.  They will not hesitate to use this against you.

YRH: Mom, my throat is scratchy.
Me: (in the middle of folding laundry, making breakfast, and doing dishes) Ok, well, I showed you how to make tea with honey, go make some.
YRH:  But mommy (there, see what he did there? ) my throat hurts.  Will you please make me some tea?
Me: But honey I am right in the middle of all of this.  Just go make some tea.  It literally takes two minutes.
YRH: (sighs) ok.  I guess I will just go do it by myself.  I just love how you make it, and I just can't make it as good as you.
Me: Give me the mug....

Do you see what happened there?  He has even conned me into make Eggo waffles for him, because I "get them more crunchy than he does".  So beware of these techniques.  They will use your dawning panic about them getting older to dupe you.  They know how to make tea and Eggo waffles.  They are twelve for crying out loud!

But I feel like the thing I was the most unprepared for was the smart mouth.

When I was in college I was coined the nickname "Comeback Queen".  I was extremely rapid fire with snarky responses to most any situation. (I was also nicknamed "mulch girl" for different reasons....that may or may not have involved passing out in a bush and sleeping there all night....)  I was very skilled with a smart mouth.  I was also an expert eye roller and sigh-er. It was a skill I developed in high school (aka sassy mouth, smart alek, and smart ass) but I was more shrewd with how I used it.  My mom was not one to put up with sass.   All of these had to be used with discretion because if I wanted a social life at all, I could not exercise my gift willy nilly.

The problem with having this talent is....it is genetic.  My son has inherited this gift.  He is playing around with his power of words, and unfortunately, he is not shrewd about using it.  So he does not wait until I turn around to do the eye roll.  He does not wait until I am out of ear shot to sigh and mumble.  He is flagrant with it.  As a matter of fact, today he tried to be a little smarter about it, and put on sunglasses in the house and tried the eye roll, to which I said, "Hey there chief? I can see your eyes behind your glasses.  Not stealthy.  And now I will take your Ipod please..."

I am telling you all of this, not to complain, but to  educate.

You see, everyone talks about the teen years, and I understand that it has its own special set of

challenges.  But NO ONE talks about the "birthing pains" that are a prequel to the teen years.  The tween years are the "groanings" of the teen trying to emerge from it's chrysalis.  The  beginning of the end of childhood.  No one talks about the challenges that are heading your way as you look at your precious child who one day wants you to cut his steak for him, and the next is wanting to get a job to start saving for a car that he will buy in 4 years. 

I was not prepared.  But my story is a cautionary tale for other parents.  Your baby will turn into a tween.  They will have drama and sweetness all in the same hour.  They will talk about girls, and talk about playing in the mud in the same day.  It is quite possibly the most head spinning experience I have ever witnessed.  In the same moment, it makes me both proud and sad.  Proud that not only have I had a child, but I have kept it alive to this point!!  And as a bonus, he is relatively happy (when he is not surly because we are out of milk for his rice krispies or because I said that pop tarts are not an acceptable breakfast) and is for the biggest part a good, polite, and caring person.  But I am sad because I realize that I only have a few years left of him being here all the time.  He isn't a baby.  But he isn't a teen.  He is a tween.  

Unfortunately, I do not have experience with tween girls yet, only a boy.  So come back to me in 5 years.  The twin girls should prove to be a WHOLE different experience.

Crap, I am going to be cutting steak for other people the rest of my life........

My summer plan....which fell apart

It is officially summer break for my family and myself.  I am already planned up to the hilt with stuff for us to do, and between vacations and camps it is looking like I won't have to bust boredom too often, so that is a relief. 

A month ago I decided that this summer would be "THE SUMMER OF RESPONSIBILITY".  My original plan was to kick up the kids responsibility  a notch because, well, Your Royal Highness is almost 12, The twins are 5, and Little Man is almost 4.  So why in the name of Gods Green earth am I the only one doing chores around this hizzle??  Time for them to pull their own weight, am I right? 

Until day 1........

 I will now give you a list of what I WANTED to see my children accomplish this summer, and why this is NOT going to end up happening. 

1. Your Royal Highness will learn to load the dishwasher.

Let me tell you why I might as well just do this myself.  So it is after dinner, and there is a sink full of dishes from preparing the meal, and a table full of dishes from eating the meal.  I ask YRH to please load the dishwasher while I get the food into containers and put away.  I come back to see this:

Yeah, I don't think those are getting clean.  Not only that, but he rinsed off a total of...none of them.  So yes, that Nutella on the spoon? that stuck on rice in the bowl? Those all got washed and returned to me with very clean rice and Nutella on them.  I also have a serious bit of OCD when it comes to dishes in the dishwasher.  You could be Martha freaking Stewart and I will  go behind you and rearrange the dishes because , just, no.

2. Your Royal Highness will learn to watch the littles for short amounts of time.

It was such a good idea in theory.  I mean, I was watching my nephews when I was all of 10 years old!  YRH is almost 12, surely he is old enough for two 5 year olds and an almost 4 year old?  They can all talk and tell him what they need right? I left to go help the Admiral drop off his car for an oil change, and figured since it was naptime, this was a great trial run.  I was gone for 20 MINUTES.  And the littles were ALSEEP!  I received a total of 4 phone calls, and 2 texts in that 20 minutes that I was gone.  "Mom, I hear rustling coming from LIttle Man's closet. I am pretty sure he is awake."  "Mom, I went into LIttle man's room and he had a screw in his mouth and won't give it to me.  What do I do?"  "Mom, can I open my window in my room, I am going to clean it while you are gone." (umm, not holding my breath on that one)  "Mom, I need to take the dog out, and they are asleep can I leave them in the house while I take him out back, or do I need to wake them up and make them all go with me?"  "Mom, how much longer are you going to be gone?  Can we go to the pool when you get back?" So. Not. Worth it.


3. The littles will learn to dust tables and baseboards

I thought this would be easy since all of those things are in their height range.  But they knocked everything off of the coffee tables in order to dust them, never putting it back on when they were done.  They also decided it would be fun to furniture polish each other's feet, because hey, lemon scent!  And then it is also equally fun to furniture polish your socks, and then 'skate' on the wood floor.  Never mind that it leaves a very very very slippery film where ever they have been, and my cat like reflexes are more like sloth like reflexes at this stage in the game. 

4.  The Littles will learn how to clean the toilet

Apparently potty water is fun.  Who knew.

5. The children will be responsible for the cleanliness of their own rooms.

Despite my chart that I made (WITH PICTURES) of how to clean a room, and in what order to do it, this whole concept is completely foreign to them.  "what is this 'put away' you are speaking of?  This is not a phrase that I have ever heard.  You mean, place the Barbies that I took out of this box, back IN TO this box?  I have never heard of such nonsense!  Absurd!" (In my head that is read in an English accent)  I came into the girls room to see one of them laying on the floor staring at the ceiling because "I just can't even", and the other one was in her closet putting on every single dress up dress she could find, simultaniously.  I went into Little man's room to see him under his bed with a whole fistful of his brother's legos that he had stolen while he wasn't looking, and I walked over to YRH's room, to find a sign on the door.  "BE CAREFUL UPON ENTRY. DANGEROUS CLEANING INSIDE."  This had me intrigued.  So I opened the door, (carefully, because hey, I am a rule follower) to find his bed completely taken apart, his millions of legos precariously stacked upon themselves upon his table, and piles upon piles of laundry in various places.
"What the heck are you doing?  I said clean your room!  This is the exact opposite of cleaning!  This is...well...this is worse-ing!"
 "Mom, don't freak out.  I am rearranging the furniture.  I want  my bed on the other side." 
"It probably would be a lot easier to do that if  you would have CLEANED IT FIRST.  Now you are trying to move it on top of all of the junk!"
 "Mom...you just don't understand.  But I am probably going to need your help in a minute....."  Now I just can't even.....

So I just give up.  It is so much easier, and so much less hassle if I just do it.  So to my future sons and daughters in law, I am so completely sorry.  I will come over and help you with your chores after you marry my children, because trust me, it is just easier  that way.

I need a glass of wine....

Cabin in the Woods......the True Story

I am going to tell you a story....a very very scary story.  So please turn off your lights, grab a flash light, and pretend that you and I are sitting across from each other around a campfire. 

This is a story about my vacation, and it is terrifying.

A few months ago, my husband and I decided for spring break we would go to Gatlinburg with the family.  So we searched for weeks for a good looking cabin rental to make the smokey mountain expience legit.  Finally we found one that we liked, that would fit us all, and seemed nice.  It was called.... (enter spooky music)....Summer Breeze..

I called and the lady from the company, Cabin Fever Rentals,  on the phone seemed really nice, but most witches do in the beginning of fairy tales don't they? ("Come inside my gingerbread house children....it's ok....granny won't eat you."  Till she does!!!)  Got us a deal where we buy 5 nights and get two nights free.  Awesome.  Spectacular.  But what do they say about things that are too good to be true?

So we are getting excited.  The Admirals sister and her kids were coming to stay too, so we were really excited to get the family together for a fun holiday. 

We drive the seven hours it takes to get to Gatlinburg from our house, with all of the children and our 14 year old dog.  We took the dog because he didn't deal well with being boarded, and the cabin was pet friendly so why not?  We get to the check in office, and all of the toddler need to pee.  So we all clamor out of the van and tumble into the office where we are greeted with a large sign that says, "NO PUBLIC BATHROOM." 

My english teacher senior year in high school did a whole unit on foreshadowing.  Why didn't I pay more attention????

So we all clamor back outside while The Admiral checks us in, and SIL (sister in law) takes little man to a bush to water it, if you know what I mean.  I tell the girls that they will have to wait a bit for a gas station, and they immediately panic. 

We get checked in, get directions to the cabin, and head out. 

We pull up, and My stomach does a flip flop.  There is trash littering the entire perimetor of the house.  Red Solo cups, McDonald's wrappers, plasic baggies, and more.  The Admiral goes to unlock the door and almost has to ram it with his shoulder to make it open. 

Seriously Mr. Kazor, I should have paid more attention to the whole foreshadowing unit.  Really.

We walk in, and at first blush it looks ok.  But upon further inspection, I notice cobwebs hanging from every corner, and most windows.  The kids start running around yelling, happy to be free of the car.  The twins run to the bathroom.  SIL's kids all plow in and head for the fooseball table and the pool table, and Your Royal Highness heads immediately for the hot tub. 
"MOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" He yells.  I walk out, and the hot tub is freezing cold.  "Ok, I will give the office a call."  The Admiral yells to me from inside, "Might want to add this light fixture to that list."  I look in the downstairs hall, and see the wall sconce is hanging from the wall by exposed wires.  Awesome. 

I walk over to the couch to sit down and notice pillows on them with sketchy looking stains, and some sort of dried liquid splashed down the front corner of one.  I didnt know liquid could dry to leather couches like that.  Hmm. 

SIL and Admiral go to the store to get groceries, and I make a call to the front desk about the things we noticed.  A guy comes out and fixes the light, and then spends 20 minutes farting around with the hot tub.  He comes back in, "Well, it looks like the motor is out.  I will call the hot tub people and have them out tonight."  I felt satisfied with the response, and true to his word he sent out the hot tub guy that night.  My thought was that he would fix the hot tub, but he spent another 20 minutes farting around with it and came it to tell me," It looks like the motor is out."  Duh.  The other guy said that. He then proceeds to explain that he has to talk to the owner to get approval to fix it, so it was going to be a day or two before it was fixed.  There were some seriously dissappointed children. 

Admiral and SIL come back with groceries, and we unpack and go to start dinner.  Large burner doesnt work, and oven will only get hot if you set it to 425.  I guess I can forget about baking cookies.  We finish dinner, do dishes and put stuff away, and find a pan that is so beat up it could possibly have been used as a murder weapon. I go to make up the pull out bed for the kids....there are no sheets to speak of, and only one blanket.  Sweet SIL says that her two daughters can sleep with her in the king size bed. 

After watching the finale of Walking Dead, around 11pm, we all head off to bed.  Admiral pulls back the covers to find.....scuze me while I vomit in my throat....4 giant spots of blood on the mattress.  There is no mattress cover at all.  The only thing between us and the matress is a very thin sheet. 

We sleep very much clothed. 

We get up, and it is too early to call the office.  Admiral, SIL, Your Royal HIghness, and older cousins head out to go ziplining over the moutains.  I stay back with all the young kids who are too little to go.  I figure I will call when they all go to bed, so I can voice my complaints without getting interupted.  I get them all down, and it is quiet in the house. 

Until it wasn't. 

I hear a buzzing.  I look up.  Hornets.  4 of them, in the window.  Now there are a lot of things I am scared of, but bugs and especially stinging bugs, are at the top of that list.  I freak out.  Bad.  So I call the office and as calm as possible tell them about all of the things that I have found. 

The range had dirty drip pans
Cobwebs everywhere
Doors to bedrooms downstairs had broken handles
Closet doors won't close, and one was hanging off broken
Blood on the mattress....I REPEAT BLOOD ON THE MATTRESS
Trash surrounding perimeter of house
 Broken lamp on side table
LIghtbulbs out in light fixtures
Door to outside had bird poop on the INSIDE of the door frame
Missing sheets
Missing blankets
Stains on throw pillows and couch
and now....HORNETS

The lady tells me that she will send the cleaning crew out, and she will call the pest control people.  However the pest control people will need to fumigate, and we will need to be out of the house for 6 hours when they come.  I sigh and say, "Look.  I am happy you want to fix all of these things, but we are being highly inconvieinced here.  This is ruining my vacation.  I am crying right now, and stressed, and I am on vacation.  I would really like some sort of compensation for all of this." 

"Well mam, I can give you 15% off of your future stay."

"Oh darling, you misunderstand me.  I will NOT be coming back to your cabins.  Ever.  Is there nothing you can do other than that?"
"I am sorry, and I can tell you this is very much not the normal.  These problems are very very rare."
"Well, they may be rare, but they are happening, and this is unacceptable.  I want it all fixed."
"We will mam."

So the fix it guy comes out and fixes the doors, and then the cleaning guy shows up.  He has a couple of sets of sheets in his hands, and a duster.  He asks me to show him where I see dirt. 

Seriously?

Isnt' this your JOB?  How do you NOT see the dirt??  It is EVERYWHERE!!  But I humor him, and show him all of the cobwebs and then I show him the mattress. 

"Oooh.  The man who stay here last cut his hand.  He bleed on mattress.  I forgot mattress pad." 
"You forgot to bring a matress pad??"
"I so sorry."  He then hands me sheets and says, "You use and I bring you mattress cover tomorrow."

-sound of record scratching-

WHAAA WHAATT!!!???  TOMORROW??????  Dude, I have blood on my mattress tonight!!!  Plus, who the hell cuts their hand and bleeds all over the bed?  How do you cut your hand on a bed??? 

He scurries around cleaing up the cobwebs and then leaves before I had a chance to stop him.  The cherry on top of that?  He didn't even make up the bed!  He didnt' put the extra sheets on top of the bed.  There they lay in the bag on top of the bedspread. 

The Admiral comes back and I fill him in on the events. 

He is not pleased. 

In fact we are both pretty skeeved out.  I go downstairs to the kids area, and notice somthing that I didn't before.  The cartpet down there is DISGUSTING.  How did I not see this before?  I don't know, maybe because we were focused on the hornets and the blood and the dirt and the gross from the main floor.  But there it is, gross awful carpet that left my socks black as soot after one crossing.  And what was that smell?  Was that the carpet too?  I lean down........Yep.  It was.  It smelled as if a poo and mold, and mildew had a baby.  Wow.  Yuck. 

I get a call from the pest control company. "Hey honey',"  (excuse me????) " I got a call you have hornets.  When do you want us to come out?"
"When is the earliest you can come? We have the kids and the dog to get out."
"I can come whenever you need honey." (seriously, say it again and I will cut you)
"Ok, we will take the kids and go sightseeing.  How about 9am?"
"We will be there honey....bye."  Click. 

Sweet baby Jesus, he is lucky he hung up. I about went crazy white girl all over him to teach him about professionalism and respect.

It was late, and Admiral and I decide, we need to probably have a more firm talk with the office in the morning.  See if there is another cabin they can give us.  This is unacceptable on all accounts.  So we go to add the layer of sheet between us and a possible Hepatitus infection, when we pull back the sheets and covers, and I hear him gasp..."OH GOD!" 
"What is it?"
"You don't want to know."
"The hell I don't, what is it?"
I tear around the bed and see it.....on the bed skirt...something you never ever ever want to see when you are away from home. 

ANCHORS AWAY ME LADS!!  WE GOT SEMEN!!!

We both freak the freak out, and Immediately start looking for another cabin rental company.  We stayed up until 1am, and found 3 that were available.  It was too late for that night, but we would call first thing.  We huddle, fully clothed, on top of the covers, on the one side of the bed farthest away from the STD and the Hepatitis. 

In the morning, we decide we will have the pest people postpone until the afternoon so we can pack up.  I call the rental company for the new cabin.....

"Eden Crest...this is David."  Came the sweet sing song voice of my new big gay angel.  His sweet southern twang mixed with his beautiful gay accent was music to my ears. 
"Hi David, I was looking on your website and found a cabin that was available.  I was intersted in booking it."
"When do you want to come darlin?"  When he called me an endearment I didn't mind so much.
"Now.  THis moment.  Today."  He chuckeled,
"Okay, let me see what I can do."  He clicked out, and came back in a moment, "Ok I can get you in today, but that cabin still needs cleaned and wont be ready until about 4.  Is that ok?"
"Ok.  That is fine. How much."
"Well, it would be usually $1300 for the week, but since you are coming today, I will knock off  50%. How is that?"
I started crying to this wonderfully lovely man..."Oh David, you don't even know...."I explained what was going on, why we needed in today, the house, and all of it. 
"Oh darling girl....we will get you hooked up.  We will fix this vacation."  That is all I needed to hear.  I cry.  But then I panic, I forgot to ask about the dog.
"David...we have a dog....do you allow pets."
"Hmm...not usually, but let me see what I can do."  I am on hold for like 5 minutes.  I start sweating.  He comes back on, "Baby, I made it pet friendly.  It will be a small fee, but is that ok?" 
"YES!!!!!!  FINE!!!!!!  DONE!!!!!"  He laughs and I am instantly wanting to be his best friend.  I finish up the clerical stuff, and tell the family the good news.  My sweet SIL says, "Since we are leaving, I will tell you now, the bathroom smells like sewage.  I didn't want to say anything while we were here, you were already so stressed."  Bless.....

So I call the pest people, "Ok.  We are not going to be able to get out of here for a bit, can you come later?"  The guy says, "Honey," (there it is again....grrr) "I can, I just don't know when. Might be later in the afternoon."
"Fine fine.  Please call before you come, we are going to go play mini golf, and we will need to leave the dog here."
"Ok., Will do." 

We decide to pack up the cars with everything but the food and the dog, so we can just grab and go after.  We head to Play mini golf...the first thing I have actually gotten to DO on my vacation since our arrival...and then we go to the park after, then lunch.  Around 1pm, after no call from the pest people, we head to the cabin to finish up packing.  we figure it will take a bit,then to check out of nightmare cabin, and drive to the new one, it will be almost 4. 

We pull up to the cabin to find a note on the door.....

"FUMIGATION began at 12pm....Please do not enter until 3pm."

THE DOG!!!!

 We run in and find Thor in the bathroom where we left him, but the house had obviously been fumigated, and he had been sitting in it for two hours.  Who fumigates with a dog in the house???  They never called!!

Pissed, I get the dog out of the house, and we leave the kids in the car, and get the rest of our stuff out of there.  I make an extensive list of all of our trials with this cabin and we head to the check in office.  Admiral goes in, and unfortunately the supervisor was not there.  We check out, and decide that the battle for our money back would have to be continued another day.

As we drive to our new cabin, (which would prove to be wonderful, and every single bit the vacation we were hoping for.  Seriously David...you are my gay in shining armor.  Mwah!  Love you!)  we left the creepy, scary, cabin behind us.  I feel like as we left I heard the sound of dueling banjos behind me.......

An open letter to cancer

I have to say, dear readers, I have been a little out of the loop lately.  

My brother was diagnosed with CNS lymphoma recently (cancer of the nervous system, found in his brain), and so our whole family has been in survival mode.  Please bear with me, I am sorry that this post will not be funny.  I have another one in the works that I will post later, but I really need to get this off my chest.

Dear Cancer,

You suck.

If there was ever a word to describe true, pure, unadulterated, evil, the word would have to be cancer. 

I hate you. 

I think the only word I can even wrap my head around at this point is.....Why?  Why my brother?  My brother is one of the most selfless, loving, caring, people in the world.  His beautiful smile, his melodious laugh, just light up the world around him.  He is a quiet person who keeps to himself, and never harmed anyone.  He would give you the shirt off of his back, and then would look at you and say, "do you want some pants to go with that?  How about dinner too?"  He would give you his last dollar even if it meant he would go without.

But you, cancer, are robbing me of my brother. 

His smile is fleeting at best right now.  His laugh is gone. His beautiful eyes that once danced are dull and vacant right now.  You are taking a shining star, and dulling his brilliance. 

Not only that, cancer, you are taking a toll on  my family.  My sisters, who before, were so very present in my children's lives, who were doting, and joyfull are now absent and anxious.  Family dinners are all but non exhistant.  We do not all gather much anymore.  We are all scattered as we take our turns caring for, and looking after my weakened brother. 

You cause pain and greif, and are relentless.  The constant barrage of painful tests that my brother must endure, and endures almost silently because you have robbed him of most of his power of speech, is excruciating to watch.  The procedure after procedure, after procedure just to find out what it is that is causing this, has caused so much havoc and turmoil.  And now comes the chemo next week that will rob him yet again, this time of an immune system, leaving him even weaker than he already is. 

All of this because of you cancer. 

But there is something you don't know. 

My family are a bunch of fighters. 

We will not go down without a fight.  And though my almost silent brother is quiet and his eyes are vacant, he is fighting.  He will force himself to find his name in his brain somewhere when he is asked by nurses when they check his cognitive skills.  He ate on his own with his own hands, not even 24 hours after his open brain biopsy.  He is fighting.  He is healing.  He has God and our whole family behind him pushing you back to the depths of hell where you came from.  In the words of Lord of the Rings, " YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!"  Go back to where you came from cancer.  

We will not let this tear this family apart.  We will not let you have the satisfaction of going quietly into that good night.  My brother will fight, and we will be standing in the corner of the ring with water, and towels and pep talks because he is going to go every round until it is a TKO.  You picked the wrong family to mess with.  Because after this is all over, we, as a family, have a habit of contiuing to fight.  So after the chemo, and the rehab has taken care of you, we will be contiuing to fight against you so that one day, there is a cure to you, and no other family will have to endure the pain and grief, and turmoil that you cause. 

So you look out, because we are coming for you.  You mess with our brother, you mess with us, and we plan on kicking your ass.

Sincerely,
The Family