How did this happen??

So, I know how other people go around thinking that all of the people around them are morons, or saying things like "I am surrounded by idiots" and the like.  Well, I am here to say, I am sorry.

I am the moron. 

I don't know when this happened.  I don't know how this came to be.  I used to be a smart person.  I was.  I had my schmidt together.  I was in the flow.  I knew stuff.  But now, all of a sudden, I seem to be doing a lot of apologizing lately, and for good reason!  I am to blame! 

I am not telling you all of this to get sympathy.  So please do not feel the need to shower me with compliments.  If anything, this is a blanket apology to everyone, and the only response sought out is, "It's ok.  We forgive you." 

Here are some scenarios:

*You are in line at the drive through, and it is completely filled up.  The line is out to the street.  You think there is room for you to get into the parking lot from the street without blocking traffic, because  everyone is moving up one place quickly, and in another second, you are in.  So you pull up, but all of a sudden the movement stops, and now you ARE blocking traffic.  You look, and there is one car that did not move up, and there is a space there, where if they did move up, you would be out of the way.  But she is looking behind her at the back seat so she doesn't see it, so now your butt is hanging out into oncoming traffic. 

That lady up there is me.  And I am yelling at my kids to quit kicking each other. Sorry about that.

*Ok, now you are in line at the grocery.  You have only 5 things.  You get in line, and ahead of you is a lady who has the entire belt full, and more in the cart.  But it is going quickly so you decide to wait.  She gets to the end, and when it comes time to pay, they ask her for her customer loyalty number, and password.  It takes her 4 tries because she forgot that she put the number under he cell phone number instead of her home phone number, and it keeps getting rejected. 

Again.  That lady is me.  I apologize.

*You are at a stop light.  The red light is taking a really really long time.  All of a sudden it turns green!  Finally!  But you aren't moving yet.  What is the hold up?  The light quickly turns yellow and then red again!!

Um, it is me, and I was daydreaming because this is the first moment I have been alone away from noise in three weeks, and I forgot where I was for a moment. I am sorry, please don't hate me.


*You are in Target.  It is a busy Saturday morning.  There are lots of shoppers in here, and as you head up the main walkway headed toward the back, you are stopped by a mom and her children who have made a human barrier across the aisle, holding hands, as they walk at the snails pace her toddler's have set.  To add insult to injury the littlest one keeps stopping to jump over each and every colored line that he finds.  There is no way around, and you need to get back there.  So you continue to follow, cursing the lady under your breath.

Umm, again me.  Sorry.  Some other moron with only one child took the last cart that had enough  the seats for all of my kids to fit in, so because the girls are walking, little man wants to walk.  Trust me if he didn't get to walk too, there would be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.  This is our best option, but I am sorry.

And finally
*You are at a party for March madness at a friend's house.  All of a sudden the doorbell rings.  Your friend (the host)  disappears for a moment outside, then returns and is headed toward you.  "Hey man, the lady outside apparently was backing out of her driveway and accidentally ran into your car that was parked across the street from her.  She wants you to come out and see it so she can exchange information with you. 

sigh......yes.  Me again.  I don't know what to say.  The Admiral was going to stay home with the littles so I could go visit my family that was in town, and I had made cupcakes.  As Your royal highness and I were leaving, I guess I completely ignored my BACK UP CAMERA, because I was concerned my cupcakes were going to fall.  As I looked at YRH to tell him to hold them so they didn't fall, I hear the sickening crunch.  There are no words for this amount of sorry.

So there you have it.  That person out there you are furious at in the store, or in traffic, it is me.  I am sorry.  Please just understand, I don't get out in public much, and when I do, I guess I just don't know how to act anymore.  Plus most of the time I am on limited sleep, or I have a bunch of IHP's with me (for you rookies, that is Indoor homeless people) so I am distracted.  If you could grant me some grace instead of yelling at me, or breathing your breathy sighs in my direction, you would make my day.  Thanks!

Don't........say it.

There are a lot of things that we mothers with  big families have to endure.  It is tough being the CEO of 5 other people, a house, and a useless dog.  I have to be organized (of which I am not), and on time (of which I am not), and proactive (well, you get the picture....).  I have to be a master juggler, keeping all plates spinning, all balls in the air.  If I should drop one, all hell will break loose.

We as mothers of large families have a lot on our plate, and it may not always be obvious on the outside to other people, but we usually do have our schmidt together, even thought it may not look like it.  I call it controlled chaos.  It may be hard as a person outside of this looking in, who either may have no children, or whose children are all grown with the privilege of having a wonderfully nostalgic way of looking at the hell life that I am living, to know just what to say and not say.

  I am here to make it easier on you!  Here is a users guide of do's and don'ts for what to say to a mom with a large family in tow.

Don't Say:
"Boy, you sure have your hands full!"

Really?  Are you serious?  First of all, this is completely obvious and does nothing but remind me that my life is completely spinning out of control right now.  Yes, my hands are full.  How about instead of this useless comment, you come help me out by grabbing a half used tissue out of my pocket and wiping Little man's snot off his face so I have a minute to push the hair out of my eyes, as I am holding onto two little girls hands with one hand, pushing a cart and holding a purse with the other, and barking orders to Your Royal highness pushing yet another cart behind me while he continually hits me in the back of the heels with his cart.  Yes.  My hands are indeed full.  Plus what is the proper response to this???  "Oh, I didn't know!  Thank you!"  Just don't.  Please.

Do say:
"Can I get the door for you?"

 Most of the time my hands are indeed full.  Holding a door for me
would be amazing, because most of the time I push it with my butt while holding onto three toddlers at the same time, and trying not to lose my purse off my arm because it WILL smash one of them in the face. (poor little man, it is almost always him.  Kid is going to have PTSD walking through doors.)

Don't Say: 
"Are they all yours?"

Because what I want to say is, "Yes, but all different fathers."

Do say:
"You have a beautiful famly."

Because yes, I do have a beautiful family, and really I need to be reminded of it at times so that I don't go all crazy white girl on them in the Target.

Don't say:
"You have a lot of kids."

Because my response to you WILL be "Yeah, my husband and I really like sex, so........" OR "Well what else are you supposed to do with 10 extra minutes?"" I have done this on many occasions and it really ends up just embarrassing the other person.  Because I have had 4 children, there is nothing at all sacred anymore, I will not be even phased by this comment. I have had more strangers in the hospital see the holiest of holies, touch my boobs, and poke and prod me, that I have no shame anymore.  I have had my kids open the door to my bathroom stall in public on me, lift my shirt in front of strangers, and completely unsnap my bra while I was wearing it before. I had an entire 30 minute conversation on the playground with another mom about Urinary Tract Infections, sore nipples, and incontinence just last summer, and I don't even know this chick's name.

Do Say:
"Can I help you out to the car?"

 Because chances are, I would really really love some help navigating all of them, and my groceries through the parking lot without losing anyone for once.

Don't Say:
"Cherish every moment.  They will be all grown up before you know it."

  Ok.  I understand you really mean well, and that it does go by
quickly.  I do.  I really really do.  My oldest just turned 10 and then i realized that in a month he will be 11.  It does seem to go fast.  But when I am in the middle of toddler hell, being held hostage to my house by the dictators of naptime, with no hope of ransom; or I am on my 5th day without a shower because I have calls to make, or chores to do, or just because it is either shower, or watch Glee on DVR; or I am pushing my cart through the Target with one screaming bawling 2 year old, and twins that keep kicking each other just for the sake of kicking each other, and the oldest is repeating over and over 'can we just go home? How much loooooonger?' and I am just trying to make it through the store and get groceries and clothes for these little ingrates; or when I am at the park trying to drag these children away who do not want to come home, and one breaks free and I have to chase them thus losing the other two that I did have a hold on........I can not physically cherish these moments at this time.  And I will most likely have visions of murdering you in my head as I smile politely and say, "Oh, I do." 

Do Say:
"It get's better.  Promise."

 Because I seriously need reminded of this.  Often.  You can even add in an "I'll pray for your sanity."  because that would be appreciated.

Don't say:
"Better you than me."

 Damned right it is.  If you have the audacity to say this to my face, I am way more qualified to handle my controlled chaos than you do, and I am seriously glad God blessed me with it than you.  Sorry, but this is just such a backhanded comment.  Makes me and other moms NUTS.

So there you have it.  Some simple ettiquette for dealing with moms of large families.

The more you know.....

Vacation Part 4: the final chapter

As we make our way from the prison that was our ship, to the car, Admiral decides he is going to drive, as up until now I have done all of the driving.  I think that he was tired of being the errand boy for three ungrateful toddlers, and a surly tween, and wanted to reclaim some dignity.  So as we make our way onto the freeway, he declares, "I am going to take a different way back, my GPS says that this way is shorter than the way we came."  Do I care?  No.  Will it get me back to where we came from?  Great!  We head off. 

Almost 5 miles in, we see one of the overhead signs light up, "Traffic stopped for 6 miles, 5 miles ahead."  Ugh!  I look at the clock, because my kiddos are really used to a schedule, it was already 5, and we are used to eating about 6.  I start throwing marshmallow treats at them, and playing Frozen for the 8,000th time this trip.  We really did bring all of our kid movies, but for some reason I think this was the only one that was played. 

We sit in traffic.

And we sit in traffic.

And we still sit in traffic. 

I could see from the look on the Admiral's face, that he was having a battle in his mind of which was the worse torture, having to take care of the kids, and their constant pleas of "I'm Hungry!"  "The movie is too loud", "The movie is too quiet", "I am still hungry", "I feel carsick"; or having to navigate the traffic that was crawling at a snail's pace.  In addition to messes, he also is not great at dealing with drivers who 'won't go', 'just won't go', or 'won't get out of the way and get over if they aren't going to go' 

We finally make it out of the rat race, over the bridge and through the tunnel, and are headed back towards Williamsburg.  I see the vein in his neck is pulsing less now, but the hungries are creaping up on us all.  It is almost 6, and besides the McDonald's and crappy van snacks, we really hadn't eaten anything.  I browse through the travel book, and spy a really nice restaruant, so we decide that this will be a great place to go for our last night here. 

We get right in, and are sat at a booth. 

Now, can I just say this......Restauraunts.  Why oh why do you sit families that need booster seats at a booth?  The seat is so squashy that the booster rocks all over the place.  You can't push it up to the table, because the kids fall out of the seat and onto the floor banging his or her chin on the table, and you can't push it back against the back of the seat, because then he or she is so far away from the table that they drop EVERYTHING on to their lap.  We also can not NOT use a booster, because my kids NEED containment of some kind.  (Please see the last installment of the vacation series to see how my kids do on a bench seat when left to their own devices. )  But, alas, we are at a booth, with boosters, and Little man has already slipped out of his seat, climbed out of his seat, and tipped over his seat about 8 times, and we haven't even gotten water yet.

God bless him, our victim, I mean server, comes over.   He is a very very nice gay man, with a very big smile, and very warm greeting, but I can tell he is already looking at me with a mixture of "Giiirl, I don't know how you do it", and "Oh God you poor thing."  He endears himself to my heart when his response to my "I will just have sweet tea" is "Honey are you sure you don't want something with alcohol?" 

We order, and Your Royal Highness, who has held it together thus far like a champ, starts to come off of his ADHD medicine, and is getting fidgety and a little dramatic.  He is tapping his foot, and shaking the table. He keeps saying, "What are we doing when we get back?  Can we go swimming?  Please, can we swim?"  Ummm, were you on that boat ride son?  I am not doing crap when we get back.  Sorry for ya.  I will be lucky if I make it up the 3 flights of stairs to our room before fainting.  I say, "Not tonight honey.  I am sorry."  He sighs, and goes to slam his head onto the back of the squishy booth, but he has had a growth spurt, and his head is now higher than the soft part, and proceeds to whack his head with great force on the wood beam above it. He starts crying, which in public is really rare for him, so I know it had to really hurt.  I cradle his head and check for a concussion.  But he is fine.  And now he is extremely cranky and whiny. 

Meanwhile, the girls who are beside the Admiral are whining about the food taking too long, and how 'Huuuuuuuuungry' they are.  Mini me was almost to tears about how long the food was taking, and how starved she was.  And I could see that Admiral had just about had enough of family fun time.  The vein in his neck was pulsing again at an alarming rate, and his face was starting to get pink.  They are laying in their booster seats, and falling off onto the bench.  They are taking off their shoes.  They won't color, or use their toys that we brought.    Little Man was also flopping about in his seat like a fish out of water, because he wanted to look at the people behind us, and see the people at the next table, and "Ooooh mommy, look they have food too!  I want a bite."  as he tries to climb over me to eat this poor man's pasta beside us.  And now YRH is hitting me with a barrage of, "Why cant we swim?  It isn't fair!  Why not?  Can daddy take me?  I want to swim, we have hardly swam the whole time!  You said we would swim, will you please take me, PLEASE!  Moooooooommmy!!  Please!"

Finally the food arrives, and God bless him, our server got the kid's food out first.  We now commence the cutting furiously of meat, and blowing of fries in a flurry of activity as all 3 toddlers want their food NOW, and all try to put a still sizzling fry into their mouths, as we snatch it from their hands.  Then tears are shed as we say, "Just let me finish cutting this, it is hot!"  And then our food arrives, and is crammed onto the table, only to be left to get cold as we finish dissecting everyone's chicken, or grilled cheese, or hamburger.  Then there is the requisite, "I need ketchup!  I need ranch!"  to which we have to grab our server and beg for condiments.  Finally all have their entrees.  I go to bite into this delicious looking $15 hamburger on a gluten free bun, when Mini Me starts in:

"I don't want this.  I'm not hungry."  The grilled cheese she ordered is probably the most delicious

looking sandwich I have ever seen.  The cheese is like 1/2 an inch thick, and the bread is golden toasty brown.  She has lost her damn mind.  Admiral goes purple, "YOU were yelling and complaining about how hungry you were.  You WILL eat this now, because you will not get anything else tonight at all."  I could see him glaring at her murderously because the stress from the day was causing him to snap.  She starts to cry, and moan the whine that, I swear, is the most annoying, god-awful noise any human has ever made, ever in the history of human kind.  The kind of noise that would cause you to literally take the steak knife in front of you, and plunge it into your ears just to make it stop.  The kind of noise that could potentially cause one to have temporary insanity and end up in jail.  I can see this all playing out in my head and I throw my hand across the table, and grab his, and say, "Hon, why don't you go for a little walk to the bathroom huh?  I think you need to take a break."  I am not sure how he did it, but with super human strength he propels himself out of the bench between the twins, flies over Mini me and lands with the precision of an olympic gymnast onto the floor.  I half expected him to "stick it".  He then practically runs away. 

After he is gone, I use the scariest mommy voice I own, and growl so that no one can hear but our table.  "Listen to me and listen right now you little heathens, your dad and I have just about had it with all of you.  This is enough of this.  We are ALL tired, we are ALL hungry, and we are ALL ready to just be done.  But this is our LAST meal and we are going to enjoy it as a family with NO whining and we are going to stop complaining and eat the food that is in front of you.  IS THAT CLEAR?  Because so help you God if you don't!!  But if you do, I will buy you dessert to take back to the condo.  Anything you want.  Just STOP BEING BRATS!  GOT IT????" 

I swear the only thing they heard was , "Blah blah blah blah blah blah dessert. Blah blah blah."  Whatever it was, they started to at least sit somewhat still, and somewhat eat their dinner.  Albeit little man had kicked off his shoes, and Thumbellina was eating her crayon instead of dinner, but you know what, they were quiet. 

Admiral came back, and climbed over Mini me and ate the rest of his pasta in complete furious silence.  The bill came, and we ordered cookies to go, and good to his word, Admiral boxed up Mini me's grilled cheese because  "Hell no she isn't getting a cookie until she eats this."  He then took the kids to the car while I waited for my credit card. 

My favorite little server came back and said with a wry smile, "You know, I knew if I took my time with this card, he would take the kids out to the car and I figured you would get a little time to yourself in silence before you had to go back out there. I commend you sweetie, you are a rock star mom." 

I gave him a big tip.

We slowly make our way back to the condo. 

The next morning we get up, pack up the car and head back home.  The admiral and I were able to laugh about the day before, saying "What the hell were we thinking taking those kids on a 2 hour cruise??  We have lost our minds!"  and "I think we need more time here, we will have to come back.  But when we get to come back the little's won't be free for

everything anymore." 

As we drove off into the sunrise, we smile at each other.

We had survived.

Vacation Part 3

We get up bright and early on a sunny Thrusday morning.  It is gorgeous out.  We have a plan for the day. We will finish looking through Williamsburg, eat lunch, have the littles sleep in the car while we drive to Norfolk, and take a 2 hour cruise on a ship to tour the navel ships docked in port.

We get to Williamsburg, and the toddlers are doing awesome.  We go see a bunch of stuff we hadn't had time for, and get them some souvenirs: 2 way too expensive three cornered hats made in China, and 2 sweet pioneer bonnets, again, made in china.  YRH begs and begs me to get his teacher a souvanir, because she loves revoluntionary history, so I say yes.  Of all of the cool things he could have picked to give her, he got her a musketball.  With a stamp on the bottom of it that said, you guessed it, made in china.  The lady rings up this craziness, and I nearly faint from the cost, but hey, it is vacation, and we won't be doing this again for a while.

The littles, YRH, the admiral and I all haul butt back to our car so that we can make it to lunch in time to eat it before we have to make the trek to Norfolk.  We decide on nasty McDonalds, and I get my usual, oatmeal, (I seriously ate more oatmeal on this trip than I have in my entire life.  There are no gluten free options at fast food restaurants.  Come on people, get with the times!!!)  and everyone else gets fried awesomeness, and wash it all down with a Dramamine.  (we have issues with motion sickness in our family)  Please note that this little comment is very important for later on.

We get in the car and head to Norfolk, which should take about an hour to get to.

No. One. Sleeps.

At. All.

We get to Norfolk, and get our tickets for the cruise.  I feel like I should preface this with the fact that I truely believe I was prepared.  This is not my first rodeo.  I packed snacks upon snacks in the bag.  And toys, and diapers and all of the essentials.  We board the boat, and because it was a very nice day, we decide to sit up top in the open air to see everything.  As we wait, I look at the clock and we have about 15 minutes before we take off.  Then I start to hear it.

"I am huuuuuuungry"  So I divvy out marshmallow treats.  They eat them.  Then they eat all of the fruit snacks.  Then all of the other fruit snacks.  Then all of the cheese crackers.  Please remember, they ate lunch literally an hour ago.  And they ate it all.  After they ate the last of the snacks I packed, the boat begins to leave the pier.  It has only been 15 minutes. It dawns on me, the Dramamine!  Dramamine stops the acid in your stomach and makes you feel a lot more hungry than you actually are!  I DID NOT PACK ENOUGH SNACKS!!  Crap!

We start out, and immediately I realize, sitting outside was a bad idea.  It was FREAKING FREEZING out there.  The littles had on pants and jackets, but YRH is in this phase where he wants to wear shorts all the time, even when it is like 35 degrees outside.  So he was shivering like crazy, and begging us to go down in the enclosed area.  I wanted natural consequences to happen here, because I have been trying like hell to tell him pants are important when it is chilly out for a month now, but honestly, I was freezing, the littles had snot all down their face, and no one was enjoying it.  So we all head down, (I should add the phrase 'to our doom' here).

We get inside, and they see the snack bar.  "We want chips!  Can we have a hot dog?  I am huuuuuungry!" (stupid dramamine)  I get some bags of chips for them since they cleaned me out of snacks.  The only ones that were not either spicy, or salt and vinegar, were the sour cream and onion flavor.  They began joyfully eating them quietly.   I need to also preface this with the fact that Admiral has a real issue with messiness.  He does not like messiness at all.  He especially does not like food messiness, crumbs, grease, or yucky fingers.  Two of these little heathens were sitting right next to him, and Thumbellina held up a chip to him, "Here daddy!  Have one!"  He immediately recoils from the greesey crumby mess on her hands and face, and looks over his shoulder at me and barks, "Tiff, can you get me a wipe?"  I am not kidding, and lookng back on this now, it makes me laugh, but every time that child ate a chip, a single chip, he would wash her hands.  Every. single. chip.  She would eat a chip, he would wash her hands.  She ate a chip, he washed her hands.

Next to me, I had Little man and YRH, and YRH was completely interested in the ships. Little man, however,  couldn't have cared less.  He was trying to lay on the bench seat, putting his feet on me, then on his brother.  He was eating his chips and wiping his hands on me, then handing me the bag, only to shreik that he wasn't done when he saw me go for a chip.  Finally he was really done, and took a toy our of the bag and, noisily started playing with it while sitting on the floor between me and his brother.  I finished off his chips.  The girls finished and handed me their bags which I folded and put in mine, and Admiral wiped their hands, face, and seat off.  I am suprised he didn't use sanitizer too.

The girls decide they are done looking out the window, and listening to the guy narrating the trip.  (MInd you it has been like 10 minutes since we set off)  They get out their ponies and start, loudly playing with Little man over the back of the seat.  They are playing, noisily, but amicably, so I am looking out the window, and trying to enjoy the trip.  Apparently, them playing is like white noise to me, I don't even hear it anymore unless I am directly spoken too, or someone is howling because they were wronged in some way.  So it came as a suprise to me when I hear someone from behind me hiss, in a very loud and irritaed way, "Shhh!!!" 

I look back, and see an older gentleman with is wife glaring in my direction. 

Oh.  I didn't realize how loud they were.  Guess the old man forgot his hearing aid and couldn't hear the guy clamoring on about the ships on the loudspeaker that was positioned directly over his head.  I hush the little ones.  "Hey, guys.  People are trying to listen.  Can you please play quieter?"

It was as if I had said, "Hey, Christmas, and your birthday are both cancelled this year."

They cried, and howeled, and belly ached.  They threw their toys down and cried.  I look back at the man as if to say, "Huh. Karma."  and then gathered up my little ones and headed to the front of the ship where there was an eating area.  Oh. My. Goodness.  It was as if someone had given the kids speed!  They saw the little table, and the window and benches, and started climbing all over, pounding on the windows, screaming "Ohh!  Look!" at the seagulls, and then falling off of the seat, which then commenced more howling.  All the while I was chasing them saying a barrage of commands like "Stop it!  What are you doing?  Get your feet off there!  Put that down!  Don't touch that!  Sit down!"  I finally gathered them up, and hearded them to the back of the boat again, but this time into the bathroom.  Where I actually started lecturing toddlers.  "What is the matter with you people!  We don't act like this!  Now listen to me, we are going back to our seats, and you will sit down, and you will behave, and play quietly or I am going to bring you back to this bathroom and I will....well....I am so mad at you right now I don't even know what is going to happen, but it will be bad and you will be very very sad and sorry. I will....I will flush your pony down the potty.  You got that??  I will do it!"  They all looked at me as if to say, "mom is losing it."  and shrugged and walked back to their seats.

For 5 minutes, all was well.  We were now 20 minutes into the 2 hour trip. 

Then LIttle man realized that he could see the feet of the people behind us from under our bench.  He sat down and started touching their toes with  his hands, and then his feet.  I grabbed him and pulled him up onto the bench, where he immediately went boneless and slithered his way to the floor.  I picked him up again, and said, "quit it!"  and he slithered his way back down again, this time laying on the floor and being completely boneless, I was not able to get a good grip on him to pull him up, though I was trying really hard.  I am not sure how he doubled his weight, but he did.  I feel a pull on my sleeve.  Thumbellina was there.  "mommy, I wanna sit with you."
"I can't hold you right now baby, I am trying to get your brother."  The whine this child let out was so irritating and and high pitched and mournful, it messed with my brain.  All I could thing was, "Make.  It.  Stop!" and I left Little man at the feet of my oldest son, and picked her up just to shut her up.  And that is when it hit me.

I just brought 3 toddlers.  Without a nap.  On a boat.  In the middle of the bay.  With 100 other people.  And no where else to go.  For 2 hours.

I. Am. Trapped.

Panic starts to set in, and I think the thought crossed Admirals face, just as it crossed mine.  Up until now he was dealing with Mini me, and the adventures of the lost pony, to which, I didn't know, was right under my feet. We both look at each other, and in ESP fashion say to each other with no words, "This battle cannot be won.  We are going to just have to be those parents."

We deal with what can be dealt with.  We are shushed again by the old couple, to which I gave a glare that gave him the one finger salute without even giving it.  I believe he got the point.  We heard a barrage of "I am huuuuuunry", "I am tiiiiiiired", "I am boooooooored" from them. Little man would repeatedly climb up onto the back of our seat, and get in the people's face behind us, and I would silently take him down.  Then he would climb over me, and go boneless just for the sake of going boneless and slither down to the floor.  Then he would climb up onto the bench and try to lie down, kicking YRH in the butt and practically sending him reeling off of the seat, only for me to pick him up again, him go boneless and slither down to the floor.  Until he realized that I had finished off his chips, and thus began shrieking, "I wasn't done!  I want chiiiiiiips!" Meanwhile, Thumbellina was sliding off of my lap, and climbing up on Admirals lap, then sliding off of his lap, to climb back on mine.  Mini me was playing with her now found pony, and then confiscated Thumbellina's discarded pony, only to hear the whine of "That is myyyyyy pony!  I wannnnt it back!!!"  to which she replied "Yooooou weren't playing with it!  It is miiiiine now!!"  I take the pony from Thumbellina, and give it to Mini me, who smirks, and then Thumbellina wails, "I WANT MY PONY!!!"  All the while the narrator is droning on and on about every thing in our sight, but I am hearing none of it.

I sigh a giant resigned sigh.  It is now one hour into the trip.  I hear the captain say, "We will now be headed back, during which I will play some music for you to enjoy."  I am not kidding when I say, immediately my children get quiet and play quietly for the rest of the entire hour back to the dock.  During the time that it would have been okay for them to be loud and play noisily, but they are now suddenly completely amicable.  Admiral and I look at each other as if to say, "What.  The. Hell?"  and shake our heads.  Little man is laying across my lap, Thumbellina and Mini me are quietly playing ponies, and YRH is staring out the window, trying to get as far from us all as possible, so that, hopefully no one will associate him with these crazy people.  We pull in to dock, and wait for almost everyone to get out before leaving.  We gather our things, and start disembark our torture chamber, when the cherry on top of this whole boat ride happens.  I am at the door, almost out of my prison, almost free! I hear "mam?  Is this your child?"  Mini me is on the floor between the seats playing ponies at the back of the boat.  I had almost just left this child on the boat.  Unbelievable.  I gather her up with the flock and we head back to the van.  We are headed to a nice fancy restaurant for our last night on vacation.  Or should I call it: The Dinner That Almost Caused a Homicide.

TO BE CONTINUED

Vacation Part 2

It was now Monday night.  So we get settled in our new and improved living conditions.  And breathe a sigh of relief.

We had planned on touring Williamsburg, then Yorktown, then Jamestown, doing a day at Bush gardens, and taking the family on a dinner cruise around the bay. The kids were all finally asleep. We smiled at each other, the Admiral and I, and turned on his computer to look at ticket prices, time, and where we needed to go to schedule such things.

Bush Gardens: Only open on Saturdays and Sundays until Memorial day.

We are only here until Friday. Well crap.  That sucks.  We all really wanted to go, and it was one of the things we were really excited about.  There was even a whole preschool place, and the littles would have had a ball.

Dinner Cruise: Only available on Saturday and Sunday until Memorial day.

Are you freaking kidding me??  This was THE thing I really was looking forward to!  I remember going on the dinner cruise when we were in band on one of our trips!  It was super fun!  I was really excited to take the kids on it.  We panicked and looked up Williamsburg, scared that we would not be able to get in there either.  But good news, it is always open.

Disappointed, but still hopeful for tomorrow, we go to bed, in our new, bug free room, (because you know I was checking that thing inside and out.  I am not kidding, I flipped beds, and looked behind pictures and in closets, and under cabinets.)

We get up the next day (after being woken up at least twice by Mini me in the middle of the night, who just cannot seem to sleep all night long while we are away.)  And try to figure out what to do about breakfast.  Everyone is starving, and the Admiral is kind of obsessed about making sure that the place we go to has good reviews online.  So far the usual suspects are not looking good, Cracker Barrel: 3 stars, IHOP: 2 stars, even McDonalds: 2 stars.  So we find a Dunkin Donuts and the kids squeal with delight.  We order donuts, and I order oatmeal (because of the whole gluten free thing I have to do.  I have and will be eating oatmeal for breakfast almost everyday.)  The toddlers eat almost a whole 25 pack of donut holes.

This will be the most they will eat at a main meal all week.

  As we are walking out to the car, I notice that Little Man is walking funny.

"What is up little man?  What is wrong with your leg?"
"Knee hurts."
"When did you hurt your knee?"
"Fell down."  Then it dawns on me, he fell down at the other hotel!  Oh crap, he is limping.  This is not good.  I tell Admiral.  I said, "I think we need to get a cheap stroller.  He is not going to make it all day if he is hurting now."
"Oh it will be ok, if it starts bugging him, I will carry him."
"I really think we should get a stroller."
"I can carry him, it will be fine."

I really think that my husband over estimated just how far, and how long the boy would be walking, and underestimated how heavy he was.

He ended up carrying him almost the entire morning.

When we leave to go back to the condo for nap, we stop at Target to pick up a cheap umbrealla stroller.

They are completely sold out.

So is the closest Wal-Mart.

I get the kiddos back to the condo, and Admiral and YRH go out and find a walmart a little farther away and have success!  We are ready to rock and roll!

We spend the next couple of days touring Williamsburg, Yorktown and Jamestown.  It was amazing.  There is really alot of cool stuff to do and look at.  Had we not had toddlers, we would have probably learned a lot, seen a lot, and done a lot.

There is a reason that kids 4 and under are free.

We were dragged away from anything that was: not of their interest, too loud, too dark, too scary (or as Little Man called it Boo-key), too quiet, and too over their head. Really I feel like anyone who is or HAS children 4 and under should be free, seeing as they really are not getting the most out of the experience. They did, however, enjoy the gardens, running around the parks, the blacksmith shop, the kitchen where the lady had a cat, and the jail.  The did not like the "storming of the palace" reenactment, any of Yorktown, the capitol, going into the belly of the ships, or the magazine (where the artillery is held which was YRH most favorite place in the whole world).

We felt bad about Bush Gardens and decided to devote an afternoon to mini golf, and this really goofy and expensive place called "GO-carts Plus"  where we literally threw away a ton of money on 4 rides. We rode: The train for the littles (this just was a little train that went in a circle 4 times.)  The Go carts for Admiral and YRH, a very very small roller coaster that could fit in the backyard at my house, and bumper boats.  I am not kidding, or even exaggeration when I say we dropped more money on those four rides than we did on dinner at a really nice, fancy restaurant the following night.  But I will say the memories of that will be in my head forever, so it was money well spent.  We left soaking wet and happy, and rode that high all the way back to the condo.  We put the kids to bed, and for the first time all week, we had that feeling, and small little peace that we imagined when we planned our vacation.  Sitting on the couch, watching TV, tired from the day, but smiling at the memories.

The next day was our last full day there.

And it was also the day that will live in infamy as: The Day We Learned Just How Important Nap Is.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Vacation part 1

Sometimes I think we as parents put too much pressure on vacations.  The weeks before we leave, we all say the same things, "Oh I can't wait to go on vacation!  I am going to relax!"  We have daydreams of our children playing happily and experiencing the trip, while we look on, smiling, walking leisurely behind them.  Then we imagine them all drifting off to sleep, happily exhausted, while the spouse and yourself have a nice icy drink, and either snuggle on the couch together, or watch some TV, or whatever.  Just nice and relaxing.

And I am not sure about you, but this is never ever ever the actual thing that happens.

Case in point is our latest family adventure.  Williamsburg Virginia.

We planned this trip in November, booking our condo, and looking at all of the fun things we wanted to take the kids to while we were there.  The closer the trip came, the more excited we got, imagining our oldest, your royal highness, getting into the history, and stories about the revolutionary war, (the kid is kind of obsessed with war stories, and anything army right now.).  Visions of the toddlers running around all of the parks and looking at all of the people in costumes, and touching all of the colonial wares that they make down there.  Also, the condo we booked had a heated indoor pool, and all kinds of things for the kids to do.

We were excited!  We were ready!

We didn't plan well enough.


So day one, we are on the road!  The plan was to make it half way there before naptime, so we could check into our  hotel for the day.  Then The Admiral would take Your royal highness down to swim in the hotel pool, while I had the 3 littles take their nap.  Guess what? Those little heathens would not sleep!  After an hour of me being held captive in the hotel room with them, being mean mommy, and using my quiet growly angry voice, The Admiral comes back, and we decide to just go ahead and take them swimming, then we will go to a restaurant for dinner.

We forgot the floaties. 

So one of us had to hold 2 of them, while the other held one, and we would switch off.  This was not
as big of a problem when the kids were babies, but they are now 2-3, so they aren't content to just splash around while we carry them.  So this was not a fun relaxing time for us.

We get ready to go to dinner with 4 very tired and cranky kids, and decide that a sit down place is just not in the cards for that night.  So we hit up Arby's and even that was a nightmare.  No one would eat, everyone was whiny.  We get back to the hotel, and get them all ready for bed, and then Your Royal Highness starts in, "can we go back to the pool?  Huh?  Can we?  Will you swim with me?  Can we go down?"  This was the LAST thing I wanted to do, I was tired from driving, and holding 2 squirming toddlers hell bent on drowning themselves, and then dealing with Whinestock (not as much fun as the name suggests), but I relented, and took him down, telling him I was just going to sit on the side and read my book, but he could play.  I wanted to read this book so bad, but in the entire hour I was down there, all I succeeded in doing was reading the same two sentences literally 80 times, because all I heard was, "Mom look!  Hey mom look what I can do!  Hey mom, watch this!!"  and it was seriously the same 3 moves over and over, but he was completely convinced it was a new move, or flip or handstand, so I would have to say, "Wow, that is amazing!  Very cool!  Look out Olympics!"

We get back in the room, and all babies are asleep, the boy is exhausted and ready to go to bed, and Admiral and I are drifting off.  That is when it started, I get hit in the  face by the Admiral with his elbow (we are used to a king sized bed),  Mini me sits up and whines for me, Thumbelina starts talking in her sleep, Little man kicks off his covers, so I have to get up and cover him up so he doesn't wake up, and then wake everyone up.  This goes on and on all night.

So we all get up, bleary eyed at 6 am, and lumber down to the hotel breakfast.  The Admiral gets the toddlers eggs and bacon and fruit, all of which they reject, and only eat the mini muffin I threw on their plate.  That is all.  Fortunately Your royal highness eats a huge breakfast because he is older and realizes that there is a lot of yummy food, and we don't get this kind of stuff at home. 

As we are leaving the hotel with all of our luggage on the cart, I am leading the kids out and I hear, "Waaaaah!"  Little man was walking in front of the cart, and Admiral didn't see him, and he got run over a little, and knocked down.  I pick him up and carry him out.

We pack up the car and head out, and just as we leave the parking lot, Mini me says, "I am huuuuuuuuungry......" The only snacks in the car are Marshmallow treats, fruit snacks and cheeze crackers.  So I figure a marshmallow treat at least has CEREAL in it, so they all get one.  because you can't give one a treat and not them all. 

We stop in Monticello, and decide to have lunch at Michie's tavern.  (Please go if you can, best fried chicken I have ever had in my life, and it is unlimited!  They bring it right to the table!)  We sit down after we go through the buffet, and immediately I hear from the littles, "I don't want that."  Well guess what, that is ALL they have, it is fried chicken, and a bunch of southern sides.  It is delicious.  But do they want the yummy food, NO.  The Admiral, YRH and I are scarfing down the chicken like it is going to run off of our plate.  YRH ate 4 piecies of chicken alone.  So good.  But my littles wouldn't touch a thing.  (Praise God 3 and under eat free, because then I would have been piiiiissed!)

As soon as we get in the car, "I am huuuuuuungry."  I started to notice a trend.  Oh hell no.  We are not turning down awesome food just to eat crappy snacks from the van.  Admiral tells them, "I guess you should have eaten your lunch then.  Snack is in 2 hours, you will have to wait."

Then the wailing began....

We throw in Frozen to quiet them down, and hopefully to get them to fall asleep.  It works.

We get to our Resort, check in, and get to our room.

Oh. My. God.

It is horrible.  Holes in the couch, outdated furniture that looks like it was bought in the early 80's, giant crack in the floor of the bathroom, scuff marks all over the walls... It was just terrible.  This was NOT what was advertised on the website.  We decide to go  to dinner and think about what to do. 

YRH is a really anxious nervous kid. We didn't want him to worry about anything, so we texted each other silently at the table,

Me: "Can you believe that??  What are we going to do?"
Admiral: "I don't know,  I don't think we can get our deposit back if we want to go somewhere else."
Me: " I will talk to the front desk when we go back, let's just wait and see what they say before we panic."

We get back to the hotel, I drop off the crew, and head to the main office.  I was in sales for an eyeglass shop when YRH was little, and I was actually pretty good at it, so I put on my salesman face, and walk up the one guy at the desk, "Hey there (looking at his nametag) Anthony.  I am sad and I was hoping you could make me happy again...."  I explained the situation, and the crappy room, and he apologized and gave me a key to another recently remodeled room, in a whole other building to check out.

It was AWESOME.  Beautiful, updates galore, fresh paint smell and all.  I go and pick up the crew, and the Admiral says, "We are getting out just in time.  I just saw a bug in the bathroom."

TO BE CONTINUED