Vacation Part 3

We get up bright and early on a sunny Thrusday morning.  It is gorgeous out.  We have a plan for the day. We will finish looking through Williamsburg, eat lunch, have the littles sleep in the car while we drive to Norfolk, and take a 2 hour cruise on a ship to tour the navel ships docked in port.

We get to Williamsburg, and the toddlers are doing awesome.  We go see a bunch of stuff we hadn't had time for, and get them some souvenirs: 2 way too expensive three cornered hats made in China, and 2 sweet pioneer bonnets, again, made in china.  YRH begs and begs me to get his teacher a souvanir, because she loves revoluntionary history, so I say yes.  Of all of the cool things he could have picked to give her, he got her a musketball.  With a stamp on the bottom of it that said, you guessed it, made in china.  The lady rings up this craziness, and I nearly faint from the cost, but hey, it is vacation, and we won't be doing this again for a while.

The littles, YRH, the admiral and I all haul butt back to our car so that we can make it to lunch in time to eat it before we have to make the trek to Norfolk.  We decide on nasty McDonalds, and I get my usual, oatmeal, (I seriously ate more oatmeal on this trip than I have in my entire life.  There are no gluten free options at fast food restaurants.  Come on people, get with the times!!!)  and everyone else gets fried awesomeness, and wash it all down with a Dramamine.  (we have issues with motion sickness in our family)  Please note that this little comment is very important for later on.

We get in the car and head to Norfolk, which should take about an hour to get to.

No. One. Sleeps.

At. All.

We get to Norfolk, and get our tickets for the cruise.  I feel like I should preface this with the fact that I truely believe I was prepared.  This is not my first rodeo.  I packed snacks upon snacks in the bag.  And toys, and diapers and all of the essentials.  We board the boat, and because it was a very nice day, we decide to sit up top in the open air to see everything.  As we wait, I look at the clock and we have about 15 minutes before we take off.  Then I start to hear it.

"I am huuuuuuungry"  So I divvy out marshmallow treats.  They eat them.  Then they eat all of the fruit snacks.  Then all of the other fruit snacks.  Then all of the cheese crackers.  Please remember, they ate lunch literally an hour ago.  And they ate it all.  After they ate the last of the snacks I packed, the boat begins to leave the pier.  It has only been 15 minutes. It dawns on me, the Dramamine!  Dramamine stops the acid in your stomach and makes you feel a lot more hungry than you actually are!  I DID NOT PACK ENOUGH SNACKS!!  Crap!

We start out, and immediately I realize, sitting outside was a bad idea.  It was FREAKING FREEZING out there.  The littles had on pants and jackets, but YRH is in this phase where he wants to wear shorts all the time, even when it is like 35 degrees outside.  So he was shivering like crazy, and begging us to go down in the enclosed area.  I wanted natural consequences to happen here, because I have been trying like hell to tell him pants are important when it is chilly out for a month now, but honestly, I was freezing, the littles had snot all down their face, and no one was enjoying it.  So we all head down, (I should add the phrase 'to our doom' here).

We get inside, and they see the snack bar.  "We want chips!  Can we have a hot dog?  I am huuuuuungry!" (stupid dramamine)  I get some bags of chips for them since they cleaned me out of snacks.  The only ones that were not either spicy, or salt and vinegar, were the sour cream and onion flavor.  They began joyfully eating them quietly.   I need to also preface this with the fact that Admiral has a real issue with messiness.  He does not like messiness at all.  He especially does not like food messiness, crumbs, grease, or yucky fingers.  Two of these little heathens were sitting right next to him, and Thumbellina held up a chip to him, "Here daddy!  Have one!"  He immediately recoils from the greesey crumby mess on her hands and face, and looks over his shoulder at me and barks, "Tiff, can you get me a wipe?"  I am not kidding, and lookng back on this now, it makes me laugh, but every time that child ate a chip, a single chip, he would wash her hands.  Every. single. chip.  She would eat a chip, he would wash her hands.  She ate a chip, he washed her hands.

Next to me, I had Little man and YRH, and YRH was completely interested in the ships. Little man, however,  couldn't have cared less.  He was trying to lay on the bench seat, putting his feet on me, then on his brother.  He was eating his chips and wiping his hands on me, then handing me the bag, only to shreik that he wasn't done when he saw me go for a chip.  Finally he was really done, and took a toy our of the bag and, noisily started playing with it while sitting on the floor between me and his brother.  I finished off his chips.  The girls finished and handed me their bags which I folded and put in mine, and Admiral wiped their hands, face, and seat off.  I am suprised he didn't use sanitizer too.

The girls decide they are done looking out the window, and listening to the guy narrating the trip.  (MInd you it has been like 10 minutes since we set off)  They get out their ponies and start, loudly playing with Little man over the back of the seat.  They are playing, noisily, but amicably, so I am looking out the window, and trying to enjoy the trip.  Apparently, them playing is like white noise to me, I don't even hear it anymore unless I am directly spoken too, or someone is howling because they were wronged in some way.  So it came as a suprise to me when I hear someone from behind me hiss, in a very loud and irritaed way, "Shhh!!!" 

I look back, and see an older gentleman with is wife glaring in my direction. 

Oh.  I didn't realize how loud they were.  Guess the old man forgot his hearing aid and couldn't hear the guy clamoring on about the ships on the loudspeaker that was positioned directly over his head.  I hush the little ones.  "Hey, guys.  People are trying to listen.  Can you please play quieter?"

It was as if I had said, "Hey, Christmas, and your birthday are both cancelled this year."

They cried, and howeled, and belly ached.  They threw their toys down and cried.  I look back at the man as if to say, "Huh. Karma."  and then gathered up my little ones and headed to the front of the ship where there was an eating area.  Oh. My. Goodness.  It was as if someone had given the kids speed!  They saw the little table, and the window and benches, and started climbing all over, pounding on the windows, screaming "Ohh!  Look!" at the seagulls, and then falling off of the seat, which then commenced more howling.  All the while I was chasing them saying a barrage of commands like "Stop it!  What are you doing?  Get your feet off there!  Put that down!  Don't touch that!  Sit down!"  I finally gathered them up, and hearded them to the back of the boat again, but this time into the bathroom.  Where I actually started lecturing toddlers.  "What is the matter with you people!  We don't act like this!  Now listen to me, we are going back to our seats, and you will sit down, and you will behave, and play quietly or I am going to bring you back to this bathroom and I will....well....I am so mad at you right now I don't even know what is going to happen, but it will be bad and you will be very very sad and sorry. I will....I will flush your pony down the potty.  You got that??  I will do it!"  They all looked at me as if to say, "mom is losing it."  and shrugged and walked back to their seats.

For 5 minutes, all was well.  We were now 20 minutes into the 2 hour trip. 

Then LIttle man realized that he could see the feet of the people behind us from under our bench.  He sat down and started touching their toes with  his hands, and then his feet.  I grabbed him and pulled him up onto the bench, where he immediately went boneless and slithered his way to the floor.  I picked him up again, and said, "quit it!"  and he slithered his way back down again, this time laying on the floor and being completely boneless, I was not able to get a good grip on him to pull him up, though I was trying really hard.  I am not sure how he doubled his weight, but he did.  I feel a pull on my sleeve.  Thumbellina was there.  "mommy, I wanna sit with you."
"I can't hold you right now baby, I am trying to get your brother."  The whine this child let out was so irritating and and high pitched and mournful, it messed with my brain.  All I could thing was, "Make.  It.  Stop!" and I left Little man at the feet of my oldest son, and picked her up just to shut her up.  And that is when it hit me.

I just brought 3 toddlers.  Without a nap.  On a boat.  In the middle of the bay.  With 100 other people.  And no where else to go.  For 2 hours.

I. Am. Trapped.

Panic starts to set in, and I think the thought crossed Admirals face, just as it crossed mine.  Up until now he was dealing with Mini me, and the adventures of the lost pony, to which, I didn't know, was right under my feet. We both look at each other, and in ESP fashion say to each other with no words, "This battle cannot be won.  We are going to just have to be those parents."

We deal with what can be dealt with.  We are shushed again by the old couple, to which I gave a glare that gave him the one finger salute without even giving it.  I believe he got the point.  We heard a barrage of "I am huuuuuunry", "I am tiiiiiiired", "I am boooooooored" from them. Little man would repeatedly climb up onto the back of our seat, and get in the people's face behind us, and I would silently take him down.  Then he would climb over me, and go boneless just for the sake of going boneless and slither down to the floor.  Then he would climb up onto the bench and try to lie down, kicking YRH in the butt and practically sending him reeling off of the seat, only for me to pick him up again, him go boneless and slither down to the floor.  Until he realized that I had finished off his chips, and thus began shrieking, "I wasn't done!  I want chiiiiiiips!" Meanwhile, Thumbellina was sliding off of my lap, and climbing up on Admirals lap, then sliding off of his lap, to climb back on mine.  Mini me was playing with her now found pony, and then confiscated Thumbellina's discarded pony, only to hear the whine of "That is myyyyyy pony!  I wannnnt it back!!!"  to which she replied "Yooooou weren't playing with it!  It is miiiiine now!!"  I take the pony from Thumbellina, and give it to Mini me, who smirks, and then Thumbellina wails, "I WANT MY PONY!!!"  All the while the narrator is droning on and on about every thing in our sight, but I am hearing none of it.

I sigh a giant resigned sigh.  It is now one hour into the trip.  I hear the captain say, "We will now be headed back, during which I will play some music for you to enjoy."  I am not kidding when I say, immediately my children get quiet and play quietly for the rest of the entire hour back to the dock.  During the time that it would have been okay for them to be loud and play noisily, but they are now suddenly completely amicable.  Admiral and I look at each other as if to say, "What.  The. Hell?"  and shake our heads.  Little man is laying across my lap, Thumbellina and Mini me are quietly playing ponies, and YRH is staring out the window, trying to get as far from us all as possible, so that, hopefully no one will associate him with these crazy people.  We pull in to dock, and wait for almost everyone to get out before leaving.  We gather our things, and start disembark our torture chamber, when the cherry on top of this whole boat ride happens.  I am at the door, almost out of my prison, almost free! I hear "mam?  Is this your child?"  Mini me is on the floor between the seats playing ponies at the back of the boat.  I had almost just left this child on the boat.  Unbelievable.  I gather her up with the flock and we head back to the van.  We are headed to a nice fancy restaurant for our last night on vacation.  Or should I call it: The Dinner That Almost Caused a Homicide.

TO BE CONTINUED