An open letter to cancer

I have to say, dear readers, I have been a little out of the loop lately.  

My brother was diagnosed with CNS lymphoma recently (cancer of the nervous system, found in his brain), and so our whole family has been in survival mode.  Please bear with me, I am sorry that this post will not be funny.  I have another one in the works that I will post later, but I really need to get this off my chest.

Dear Cancer,

You suck.

If there was ever a word to describe true, pure, unadulterated, evil, the word would have to be cancer. 

I hate you. 

I think the only word I can even wrap my head around at this point is.....Why?  Why my brother?  My brother is one of the most selfless, loving, caring, people in the world.  His beautiful smile, his melodious laugh, just light up the world around him.  He is a quiet person who keeps to himself, and never harmed anyone.  He would give you the shirt off of his back, and then would look at you and say, "do you want some pants to go with that?  How about dinner too?"  He would give you his last dollar even if it meant he would go without.

But you, cancer, are robbing me of my brother. 

His smile is fleeting at best right now.  His laugh is gone. His beautiful eyes that once danced are dull and vacant right now.  You are taking a shining star, and dulling his brilliance. 

Not only that, cancer, you are taking a toll on  my family.  My sisters, who before, were so very present in my children's lives, who were doting, and joyfull are now absent and anxious.  Family dinners are all but non exhistant.  We do not all gather much anymore.  We are all scattered as we take our turns caring for, and looking after my weakened brother. 

You cause pain and greif, and are relentless.  The constant barrage of painful tests that my brother must endure, and endures almost silently because you have robbed him of most of his power of speech, is excruciating to watch.  The procedure after procedure, after procedure just to find out what it is that is causing this, has caused so much havoc and turmoil.  And now comes the chemo next week that will rob him yet again, this time of an immune system, leaving him even weaker than he already is. 

All of this because of you cancer. 

But there is something you don't know. 

My family are a bunch of fighters. 

We will not go down without a fight.  And though my almost silent brother is quiet and his eyes are vacant, he is fighting.  He will force himself to find his name in his brain somewhere when he is asked by nurses when they check his cognitive skills.  He ate on his own with his own hands, not even 24 hours after his open brain biopsy.  He is fighting.  He is healing.  He has God and our whole family behind him pushing you back to the depths of hell where you came from.  In the words of Lord of the Rings, " YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!"  Go back to where you came from cancer.  

We will not let this tear this family apart.  We will not let you have the satisfaction of going quietly into that good night.  My brother will fight, and we will be standing in the corner of the ring with water, and towels and pep talks because he is going to go every round until it is a TKO.  You picked the wrong family to mess with.  Because after this is all over, we, as a family, have a habit of contiuing to fight.  So after the chemo, and the rehab has taken care of you, we will be contiuing to fight against you so that one day, there is a cure to you, and no other family will have to endure the pain and grief, and turmoil that you cause. 

So you look out, because we are coming for you.  You mess with our brother, you mess with us, and we plan on kicking your ass.

Sincerely,
The Family

He went to Jared, we went into debt......

It has begun.

The season of cliche' romantic commercials, about going to Jared, Kissing that begins with Kay, and dozens of roses for the one that you love.  Because you know, you are a piece of crap if you don't spend hundreds of dollars on the people you love for the upcoming holiday.  (Because there is NEVER another holiday just like it coming right around the corner that they are going to want you to spend hundreds of dollars on.  This is it....the last one!  So make it count.)  SMH.....

I am getting really tired of all of these commercials that go with holidays.  I am not talking about Christmas, as annoying as they are, although it is already February, so I am sure they will start showing those next month "Only 10 months until Christmas, you better get shopping!" .  I am talking about the other holidays, like the soon to be celebrated  Valentine's day.

 A holiday that gets completely blown out of proportion.

You know, really if all were said and done, I would be happy with a card, a box of chocolates, and a little 'brown-chicken-brown-cow', and call it a day.  However, if you watch TV, you would think that if you were truly to celebrate valentines day you would need to go all out. Fancy dinner, expensive hotel, dozens and dozens of roses, fancy underwear, and hours and hours of hot passionate sex!( because yeah, I have had four kids, and not only do I have extra money to spend on that junk, but I also have absolutely NO body image issues after those pregnancies, and I plenty of energy to have that kind of romp in the hay with my husband. Please insert eyeroll here)

 It is ONE DAY! Not only that, but it is also a very exclusive one.  So if you don't feel like crap for not giving/getting that expensive gift, you are feeling like crap because you don't have anyone to feel like crap about not getting/giving a gift to/from!  My brother refers to it as singles awareness day.  I like that.  Nothing like a day of love to make you feel so very alone and unloved.  Yeesh.

 And it is not only the adults who are supposed to be over the top, the parents of the elementary kids go NUTS with this holiday.  I  sent my kid in last year with a box of valentines we bought at the store, and thought I was being fancy, and let him get the ones with little boxes of Nerds attached to them.  He came home with some of the most elaborate homemade Pinteresty cards and homemade candies  from everyone else.  I broke it to him that night that next year in middle school they don't do parties like this.  He almost cried.  If that was the kind of loot I was hauling in, I would probably cry too if the gravy train was getting cut off.  We didn't even do candy in ours when I was a kid, we just had those little cards in the little envelopes, and for the party we would have cookies or cupcakes (full gluten, egg, dairy,  and soy going on there, just sayin.) and some Hawaiian punch, (Oooh, I can almost taste that artifically flavored, red dye #5, sugar water now......) 

I am tired of the unrealistic expectations, and insane amount of pressure that the commercials and the media, give for these holidays. You know, when I was little, for mother's day one year, I went with my sister and picked some lilacs from our neighbor's tree, because we knew that they were her favorite.  Then we made her a breakfast of pancakes, and fruit, and put the lilacs in a vase for her, and put a card next to them.  That was what we did to celebrate mother's day.  It was a day to remind mom that she was the queen of our lives, and we appreciated all of the crap she put up with, and the wonderful things she did for us.

The commercials on TV today make it look like you are a complete loser if you don't get your mom diamonds, or take her to some exotic location, or treat her to an entire day at the spa!  Fortunately, my momma is so awesome, and she deserves all those things, but does not seem disappointed when I hand her a card, a hanging basket of flowers, and maybe take her to brunch.  I think this is  also very  excluding to all of the other moms out there who are single,  and alone with just their kids, or can't even be with their kids, to make such a big deal out of one day.   I have a girlfriend whose husband , despite it being mother's day, didn't even help out with the dishes, or with the cleaning, or childcare, despite the fact that it was his own family that was coming over to the house.  (Shout out to all my friends out there that did their own cleaning on mother's day.  You should be truly celebrated because you are amazing, and truly a martyr, because I would have been a big giant baby about that.)

Now, my Admiral was an awesome husband, and let me sleep in, got the kids breakfasted, and

cleaned up the house a bit while I relaxed.  He also took care of nap and any altercations that happened that day, and for that Admiral, I salute you!

There is all of this hype about spend spend spend, and it is just exhausting.  ( Can I get an amen??)  After Christmas, is the Valentine push, then after that is the Easter push (which don't even get me started.  The amount of crap in my kids' basket is NOT indicative of how much I love them.  I will say, the amount of difficulty in the eggs that I hide from them, however, absolutely is.  Easy to find eggs= I love you very much precious one.  Hard to find eggs= you better start acting right!)  After the Easter push is Mother's day....I can go on and on!  It is always something!

I LOVE holidays.  Love them.  Ask the Admiral, I am always looking up what national holiday it is so that we can celebrate.  National coffee day?  We are heading to Starbucks.  National Hamburger day?  I am making bacon cheeseburgers!  National Kiss a Redhead day?  Look out Your royal highness, you are getting slathered with kisses from momma.  I love celebrating stuff. For the DAY.   I do NOT like to be made feel bad by Kohls, Target (though I heart you always), Walmart and the like for not spending oodles and oodles of cash on my kids to celebrate holidays, and harping on it FOR MONTHS up until the actual day.

So I propose something kind of radical.   Let's make memories, not credit card debt with our children.  Let's not get offended when our husbands/wives/whatever don't get us exactly what we were wanting for valentines day, but be appreciative that they got us anything at all.  Let us not be disappointed when for mother's day we get a homemade card and a sloppy, cookie crumb faced kiss, and instead spend time on being appreciative that we are mothers in the first place (because as a mom that struggled with infertility issues for years,having a large famly is a true blessing no matter how much I complain.)  Instead of stressing out about filling stockings and wishlists, enjoy these years that there is magic and wonder of the Easter bunny, and Santa Clause.  If you kids are bigger, enjoy that you are all together, instead of spread out all over the country on these holidays. Let's ignore these desperate grasps from advertising executives to get our money, and emotions, and instead, be present in the moment.

And I swear, Admiral,  if you do go to Jared, or want a kiss that begins with Kay, or call 1-800-Flowers, or spend a fortune on Godiva  I will appreciate it.  But if you make me a card yourself, let me have a break, and treat me like we are dating teenagers for a day.....I will really treasure it.

(However, if you do succumb to the advertising pressures of any of the above please let it be the Godiva.....)

Top 10 reasons I still live like I am in my college dorm

I was just this moment walking zombie like around my house, wondering where to start in the whole cleaning process.  (as you can see if you are reading this, I did not get very far, because I am now blogging, not cleaning. I also may have adult ADHD.)  As I looked around I started to think about what my college dorm room looked like, and what living there felt like, and I realized something.  I don't think I have ever moved beyond the college dorm level of living. 

I do have a lot more amenities to my housing situation now than I did back then, none the least of which is the fact that I own a stove, oven, large refrigerator, and dishwasher as apposed to a hot pot, and coffee pot being my only means for preparing food for myself.  But in many many ways, I am still in the dorm life. Here is my top ten:


10. My desk is still covered with crap.
Back in school, my desk, which I think was supposed to be used for studying, was used for pretty much anything but that.  I would cook food in my hot pot, drop all of my dirty laundry on it, drop all of my mail on it, hang bras from the knobs of the drawers, and fill the drawers with various papers that I swore were important until the end of the year when I threw them all away, not remembering why.  Now, my desk is still covered, but with different crap.  Kid art, junk mail that needs recycled, various keys, some candy that I am not sure whose it is, half drank bottles of water, Hello Kitty duct tape, hats, and all of my weight watcher junk.  In my drawers are still the old papers that I swear are important, but when I go through them, I really have no idea why I kept them.

9. I am still making pop tarts, Spaghetti O's, and canned ravioli

My freshman year I had classes all morning and afternoon, and I didn't have a break until after lunch was over during spring quarter.  So I would head back to the dorm and crack open a can of spagetti O's or ravioli, or eat cold pop tarts for lunch.  I am still making these, just not for myself.  And thankfully not in a hot pot anymore. 
Oh those hot pots....  We were not allowed to have microwaves, toasters or burners of any kind in our room.  We WERE allowed to have a hot pot (a tea kettle looking thing, that you plug in,  that is for boiling water or soup.  It has a metal plate heating element on the bottom.)  I would make ALL KINDS of stuff in that thing.  One night, after a particularly late night out, I even made bacon in it.  Hey, desperate times...

8. I still have mounds of laundry
Back in the day I would save all of my laundry, because it cost money,( money that I did not have a lot of), to wash clothes.  So I would either save it all to take home over a weekend, or I would shove as much as I could all into one load, including what I was wearing to the laundry mat. I would strip down to my jogging bra, and my workout shorts, and wash everything in one load.  (Oh to have THAT body again) This style of housekeeping would leave my room with a giant  mountain of dirty clothes in the bottom of my closet.   Now I still have loads upon loads of laundry, of which I will wait until it is cascading down upon me to do.  Not because I have to or because I have to take it to the laundry mat.  I just hate doing laundry.

7. I can't take a shower alone
In the dorms there is usually a couple of shower stalls per housing section.  So ineveitably while you are in the shower someone else is going to come and shower beside you.  Chances are they will not appreciate the song you want to sing, or any other noise that you make while showering.  So you shower with a sense of guardedness.  Now, I have my own bathroom, but I am NEVER EVER EVER alone.  SOMEONE is going to wander in and need something from me.  Still no one appreciates the songs that I sing while I am in there, and now that I have a tween son, I shower with a sense of guardedness similar to back then.  I will say, I fully appreciate that I don't have to wear shower shoes anymore though. 

6. Subsequently, I also can't go to the bathroom alone
In college, there are also a couple of bathroom stalls for each housing section.  So most of the time you are not peeing, or otherwise, alone.  In fact, I can't otherwise with people around me, so I would try to go when I knew almost no one would be around, and STILL almost always, someone would walk in while I was in there.  Now, I can count on someone walking in, or banging on the door if I lock it, while I am in there. 

5. I still have to hide my favorite foods.
Many of my roomates in college would steal my snacks if I left them out on top of my desk.  And if it wasn't them, it was their friends.  So I would hide my favorite treats, little debbies, cookies, or cheetos, in some creative places.  Cookies were in tampon boxes, cheetos were in a dry cleaning bag, and little debbies were behind books from previous quarters.  I also went through a toast phase, where all I would snack on was cinnamon toast.  Since we were not allowed to have toasters, I hid my toaster in my dirty laundry basket under socks and underwear.  (I shudder to think about that now....ugh)  Now a days, I still have to hid my favorite treats, for the same reasons.  But my toaster is proudly displayed on the counter, and no, it is not the same one from college. 

4. I still hit people up for alcohol. 
In college, everyone wants that friend that can get you booze.  I had a couple of them.  Until you are 21, half of the students in your dorm can drink because they are 21, the other half can't because they aren't.  So you find a sympathetic one to help you bridge the gap.  I still have people get me booze, but not for the same reason (obviously).  When I am at the grocery, I am on a mission.  I like to get in, get out, get done.  My kids are normally with me, and I don't want to dilly dally.  I am on a ticking time bomb of tantruming, and I have to snip the black wire and go home before it goes off.  So I bypass any superfluous stuff, or anything that could potentially be a hazard (like the bakery because they will scream for cookies, donuts, and cupcakes, and any isle that has a multitude of breakables, because lets face it, little man is a bull in a china shop.)  So we avoid the liquer isle.  So if I know of anyone headed to the store, I will ask, "Hey!  Would you mind picking me up a bottle of pinot grigio?  Or a bottle of vanilla vodka? Thanks!  You are ever in my favor!" 

3. There is a lot of random yelling

You would be sitting at your desk (or for me, my bed) studying in perfect silence, and all of a sudden you would hear a scream, followed by hysterical laughter coming from the hall. Or you would hear the door open to the hall, and people would be yell-talking all the way by.  Or you would just hear someone yelling down the hallway for apparently no reason.  My house is no different.  But it is children, that go from playing silent, or amicably, to all of a sudden out of no where, "HEY!!!!!  GIVE THAT BACK!!!!!!!"  or "MOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!"  or my favorite, "NOO!!!!!!!  THAT IS MIIIIIIIINE!!!!!"  But sometimes it is also just Little Man yelling just to hear his voice because he likes the way it sounds.

2.I still have to be like a secret agent to have any kind of make out time with the Admiral
In college, you live with multiple people.  The general rule for guys is, you hang a tie on the door, you friends know not to come in.  Girls are different.  We don't like to be shut out of our living spaces.  At least that was the way it was with my roommates, there WAS no time that you got the room to yourself.  So If Admiral was coming to visit, I would have to do reconnaissance, "when are they all in class at the same time?  When are they all at the dining hall?  Is there a basketball game they are going to tonight?  How long will it take them to walk back??"  Now it is the same kind of questions, but just a little different.  "How long is nap time?  How long have they been asleep?  Will they hear the lock click when we shut the door?  How long before they wake up??"

And finally

1. There are still naked people running around randomly.
This sort of explains itself.  But back then..it was friends, and random people that lived in the dorm.  And now......it is my children, who for some reason, have an aversion to clothing. 

But sometimes I do too......

Call me Stewart.....Martha Stewart...

I have a serious problem.

I get it into my head that I am crafty.  I look at things all the time and think, Oh my goodness, I could totally do that!!! But guess what?  I can't.  I can't do it, and I need to get it through to my brain that I am not Martha Stewert and just be happy in my normalness.

But I am not happy in my normalness, I want to be special.  So I keep trying, because I cannot admit defeat.  We are not quitters in this family, and I will not quit trying.  However, if this is how I am going to roll, I really need to just realize that it is never going to look like the picture, and be okay with that.

Oh you think I am exaggerating?  I am so not.  

For my twin daughters' birthday, I was doing a whole princess theme thing.  I was making everything pink and purple.  When I came across these little gems:

I mean, how cute are they, right?  Little pink and zebra striped cookies, so cute!  And they look just like the peanut butter blossoms I make at Christmas, and those are super duper easy!  I can totally do this!!  So I make up some sugar cookie dough, and put them in the oven and then put the little candies on top.....

Do they not look like two giant,hot pink, zebra nippled boobs to you?  Because they looked like a cartoon had a mammogram to me.  And I had to serve these at the girls' birthday party!!  The Admiral could not quit laughing, and kept saying, "Man, these need some milk to go with them." Go ahead...laugh....I will wait....

Okay, so the same party, I decided to make this really adorable castle cake that I found online.  It looked super easy.

Right?  I mean, come on, no hard decorating, and it looks like a castle right? Well, I had a few issues:

See, they didn't' have the colors I wanted at the store, and they didn't' have any ice cream cones at all, and I couldn't find the right candy either.  So I had to make do with what I had on hand.  I tried to fun it up with pictures on the top of a glass slipper and a crown and some hearts, but no go.  It looks like my daughters made their own cake.  Just awful.  And I can't even take credit for the little flags on top, my sister made those.  sigh...

And it isn't just baked goods.  (which let me say in my defense, they may look ugly, but I make some of the best tasting baked goods you will ever eat.  Not pretty to look at, but you won't have to look at them long, because they will be all gone in about a minute.  There was NONE of the cake or cookies leftover, so at least I have that going for me).

No,  I suck at making lots of stuff.  I have been trying to teach myself to knit for a YEAR.  I am still on the same ball of yarn I bought at the beginning, because I keep messing up.  My poor Thumbellina has been asking me since last winter, "mom, I thought you were going to make me a scarf?"  Yeah, well, I am sorry, but mommy starts off with 15 stitches, then 4 lines later I have 8, then 4 lines later I have 23.  It looks like I was drinking while I was knitting ( and that IS a possiblity.)  I tried cross stitching.  I made one thing that was any good, and gave it to my niece (a cute little fairy), and ever since I just can't seem to count.  The dog I tried to make for my son when he was born looked like it had a lazy eye, and was missing a leg.  Maybe it is a counting problem with me.  That would seem to be a possibility as well, except that I also have a problem with painting, or sculpting anything with clay, or drawing, or decorating, or anything that involves glue or glitter.... 

I just need to face it. I am like a person with a gambling problem.  Except instead of gambling it is crafting.   I am a girl who likes to craft, that needs to just be banned from Michael's craft store because sooner or later I am going to be owing them a fortune in back payments for my habit,  and some big woman named Helga from the fabric department with one eye, a mustache, and black hairs growing out of the mole on her neck is going to come looking to break my arm if I don't pay up.

  I guess I will just stick to making delicious cookies and cakes that don't need fancy decorations.

Oh wait!  Look at this!!  I could totally do this!!

It can't be THAT hard right??? 

This may be a little dark. And a little nuts. Well, a lot nuts.

Do you ever wake up one morning, and for absolutely no reason at all, just hate pretty much everyone and everything? 

I don't get that way very often.  In fact, to quote an earlier post of mine, most of the time I am "F*@$ing delightful" all the live long day.  But on rare occasions, I will wake up and just dislike pretty much everything. 

Today is one of those days.

I will say, part of the reason is, that The Admiral got called out to work at 10pm last night, and anytime he is out driving with the other maniacs after dark, I get all nervous and irrational about it.  Like if I am not there, he won't see a deer cross the road, hit it, and be dead in a ditch somewhere.  Or there will be a crazy maniac drunk driver, and he won't see him swerving, and gets hit and is dead in a ditch somewhere.  Or he is tired, and I am not there to wake him up, and so he falls asleep behind the wheel, rolls off the road, crashes, and is dead in a ditch somewhere.  Most of my scenarios in my head involve ditches and subsequent demise.  I will watch the news and if there is a crash, even if it is no where near where his account is, I will text him, and say, "did you crash? Are you dead in a ditch somewhere?  If not text me and let me know you are ok."  

Last night was exceptionally bad, because he left at 10, and of couse the anxieties were already nice and settled, since I don't go to bed until 11, and so I was wide awake, fretting over the imminent death and the ditch it may occur in.  I went to bed, and lay there flipping channels until midnight when finally I passed out watching Neve Campbell get bludgeoned to death by Matt Dillon (special prize for anyone who can name that movie!)

At 12:35am my daughters wake me up to tell me that their humidifier was out of water.  I was annoyed, because WHY did this necessitate me having to fill it right then??  But I did, and they immediately went back to sleep, thank God.  But me?  Not so much.  I tossed and turned for another hour. 

So at 4 am, I woke up out of a dead sleep to find The Admiral was NOT back, and I checked my phone to which he had NOT texted.  So guess what?  My mind immediately thought, "This is it.  It has happened.  He is really dead in a ditch.  It is 4 am, and my husband is dead in a ditch."  I texted him,

Me: Oh My God Admiral, are you OK????  

I wait two minutes and send another

Me: Please text me and let me know you are ok.

I wait one more minute and then text

Me: CALL. ME.   

I lay there waiting.  And in the entire time I was waiting, here is the monologue that ran through my head.  Please enjoy:  (because as I am sure you are gathering, he is not dead.)

Oh god.  This is it.  This time I am right.  I mean, why else would i have woken up out of a dead sleep?  We are so close, and have such a connection, I just know something is wrong. That is what happens when you sort of grow up together.  You get psychic about the other person if bad things happen.  He is dead in a ditch for real.  Oh Gosh, I am glad I said I love him before he left and hugged him.  I better turn on the news and listen for any news of car crashes.  Well, They won't release his name yet though because i haven't been notified.  Oh no.  That means the highway patrol will be coming to my door.  Oh that is going to be bad.  I will cry, and the kids will not know what is going on.  Well, they will be asleep, so I will have time to gather myself.  Oh, I should put on a bra.  If I am sobbing hard, I don't want the girls going crazy.  (I put on bra.)  Oh, no, the dog might bark.  Then the kids will wake up.  I don't want that, I will need time to gather myself if I am going to be strong for my kids.  How am I going to keep it together for my kids?  Maybe I will have the Highway patrol hang out until I can get my sisters over here to help me.  Oh no, I can't do this alone, someone is going to have to just move in with me for awhile.  I don't know how to plan a funeral.  Or where the insurance information is.  Well, I guess I could call his buddy George at work.  Oh, George, I don't have his number.  I will need to call our pastor to get it, George goes to church with us.  Oh Gosh, I will have to plan the funeral, and he wants me to play "another one bites the dust" at the funeral.  I cant' do that!  He has always said he wanted that, but did he really or was he just joking?  I don't want to play that.  Oh God, I can't play "another one bites the dust at the funeral!  What was he thinking asking me to play that?  And who is going to watch the kids during the funeral, everyone I use as babysitters will be there, and you can't bring toddlers to a funeral!  They will be all over, and climbing on their daddy because they don't know what dead is!  They will want to play with him!  And I will be so broken up I won't care, and people will say things like, "Well, I know her husband was found dead in a ditch somewhere, but at least she shouldn't let the children climb all over his body. She is a terrible mother."  And I will be during this time!  I will be a terrible mother!  Because at this point I won't care that they are acting like Hooligans!  And they will grow up and be on the psychologist couch talking about how their mom was a terrible mother, and let them crawl all over their father's body, and now they are scarred for life.  And  Your Royal Highness will be on the psychologist couch because he will feel like he had to grow up too fast to help take care of his siblings, and his mother failed him, and he blames me for all the wrong in his life.  Maybe I can just get someone to take care of all of the paperwork stuff and money stuff for me, so I can tend to the kids.   I will just tell them to pay off the house, and I will just use my paychecks to live off of.  But OH MY GOD!!  I don't know how to do the auto bill pay!  I don't know how to run anything on this stupid computer!!!  I SHOULD HAVE ASKED!!! I should have asked before he died!!!  OH NO!!!  Why didn't I ask!!!  And now I never can! OH GOD!!!  Who is going to fix crap when it breaks?  Or lift heavy stuff for me?  Wait, what am I talking about?  I am a woman of the 2000's, I am fully capable of figuring this crap out.  (sighing), I will be fine.  I will just miss him.  Why did he have to go out on a call at 10 pm??  Why..... (phone vibrates.....) 

Admiral:  I am fine, sorry, no signal back in the data room.  

(Pause for a beat....)





Well, I guess I will go back to sleep, I have to get up in 30 minutes.....

And THAT my friends is why I kind of hate everything today.  I am emotionally exhausted.

I am a terrible person

I am a terrible person.  I have not always been a terrible person, but as I deal with the flying monkeys day in and day out, I have begun to turn into a terrible person.  I once heard in church a wonderful saying, "Picture yourself as a juice box.  Every time you give yourself to your family or children, they are taking a sip.  As the day ends, your juice box has had so many sips, it is collapsing in on itself."  Now I know that they finished up that alliteration by saying that the only way to refill that box of juice is to take quiet time out with God, and and He will refill it. Yeah I get it, I get it, and I understand.  But I like that visual.  The kids have a big fight that I have to break up, (sip), Little man has a tantrum (sip), The Admiral yells down the stairs, "How long has this laundry been in the washer (sip sip),Your Royal Highness needs kicked in the butt all morning to get out of the door, dressed and with everything he needs, (sip sip sip).  I do  feel like a juice box.  And I believe that because of the tremendous pressure from my box collapsing in on itself,  I have started exhibiting some terrible behaviors.

I have started hiding candy bars all over the house. 

Not giant size ones, but those mini ones.  I have a bag of York Peppermint patties hiding in a photo cupboard in my living room.  I also have hidden a bag of Heath bars in the console of the van ( no one really ever looks in there because almost all of them are still in carseats.)  I also may have a few bars stashed in the tampax box in my bathroom. 

My life has become a shadow of what I thought it would be.  I am hiding candy.  WTH happened to me?  But you know, the thing is, if these flying monkeys that I call my children would let me have just one thing that this mine, just ONE, I would not have to resort to such psychotic behavior. 

Is it that I mind sharing candy with my children?  No, of course not.  I share candy with them all of the time.  I get them treats.  But the problem is, THEY are the ones that do not share.  I will open a bag in the morning, and then go out in the afternoon after lunch to have a snack size hershey bar, and the entire bag is GONE!  These people thatI live with (besides the Admiral) are horrible horrible sharers!  And not from lack of teaching. For heavevns sake I say it all day long!  "Share with your brother!"  "Share with your sister!"  You would think after hearing it for the four years of their short little lives, it would start to sink it. 

So I now resort to hoarding. 

I also will go through the drive through at Tim Horton's, and tell the kids, "I am just getting a coffee." as I order my iced capp, which is essentially a coffee milkshake.  I am not even sure that there is any coffee in it at all.  But the beautiful thing is, they don't question it.  It is not that I mind buying each and every one of them a chocolate milk or some Tim Bits, I do that all of the time too!  It is just that sometimes, it is close to lunch, and I don't want them to have a bunch of sugar right before nap and so I avoid the crying.  They often ask, "Mommy, is that yummy?  That looks yummy, that doesn't look yucky."  as I sip my sweet, icy, whipped cream and chocolate syrup covered goodness.  I tell them, "Oh, no, it is bitter.  You have tried coffee before, it is yucky and bitter.  Same thing, this is coffee."  Saying this is not really lying, because it is an iced cappucino, and cappucino by definition has espresso in it, and espresso is technically coffee.  "You will like coffee when you are big enough to spell the word sophistication." This does NOT work on Your Royal Highness.  I only use this deviant behavior when he is not with me.

I also sometimes will say I have to go to the bathroom, take my Kindle in there with me, and just
hang out in there for a few minutes just to get some time alone.  I have said this before, if I could have some wine, music, candles, and a box of chocolates in there with me, the bathroom would be like a fine spa.  It is my favorite room in the house right now.  Sweet sweet bathroom....(sigh)

My littlest ones can't read the clock yet, so sometimes I will just start the evening routine early saying it is bedtime when we still have like 30 minutes left.  I only have this card to play for like another year, then the girls will be in kindergarten and will learn how to read time, so I need to use it while I can.  But there are days that I just can't even handle it anymore...and it is either early bedtime, or I am running down the street, screaming, and as you all know , I. Don't. Run.

I also refuse to give up nap time, even though my girls really are too old for it.  They never sleep, and just spend the entire time up there looking at books and playing quietly by themselves, but I just can't bring myself to say,

"You don't have to nap anymore."  It wouldn't be so bad except, nap time is like two and a half hours long, and I get so much stuff done during this time!  I just can't do it!  I can't pull that trigger!  So I make them go up, be on their bed, and lay down with a book or 5, surrounded by stuffed animals (so I don't feel too guilty about making them be in there for two hours with nothing to do), and I get my stuff done.  I am so selfish sometimes, but you know what, they like clean clothes and a clean house, and a sane mommy too, so sometimes we all have to make sacrifices!

So becoming a mother has made me into a terrible person.  I hoard food, don't share, lie, and abuse my motherly power.  Hopefully my children will forgive me one day.  But it is what keeps me nice to them.  If I didn't do these little things for myself, I would not be able to let them drink out of my juice box at all.  So either they will be on the couch when they are older, or, when they become parents, maybe they will take a page from my book of , "How to survive being a stay at home parent and not turn into a crazy person."

Watching the Admiral go to the bathroom does not make us a healthy couple

This year the Admiral and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  We get a lot of questions about "Wow!  That is a long time.  How have you guys been able to make it work for so long, and with 4 kids?"  Usually, I don't even think about it, because, well, I just don't.  But I read a blog post the other day that a friend of mine put on her facebook page to share (she didn't write it, she just read it.)  and as I read it, I had a lot of opinions and ideas about it.  (If you would like to read it, here is the link: http://thoughtcatalog.com/kimberley-hinderson/2014/10/14-things-all-healthy-couples-do/

The article was about Things that all  Healthy Couples do.  As I read these, I actually laughed out loud at them.  I feel like The Admiral and I have a pretty darn healthy relationship, and we do little to NONE of these things.  Please please please let me elaborate on this. 

#1 Share the shower.
 Anyone who is anyone knows sharing the shower completely sucks!  Unless you live in one of those richie rich houses where there is an abnormally huge shower with two showerheads, it just is not as romantic as it sounds.  One person is freezing cold and dry, and the other is drowning.  Neither one of you agrees on water temperature, so one or the other is either burning or ice bucket challange cold (which kills the mood right there, does it not?)  And there is NO ROOM.  Elbows are hitting the shower curtain (EW!!!), behinds are touching the wall (Gross, we all know how often those really get cleaned, right?)  and if you are a short girl like me, water is spraying off of your taller than you partner, and getting you right in the eyes, and up the nose, waterboard style.  Sharing showers is not fun, and not romantic.  Plus I always manage to get soap in my mouth...

#2 Pop each other's pimples
If this is what it takes to be a healthy couple, then I will pass thanks.  GROSS!!!  I mean, really?  That makes you a healthy couple?  I am sorry, but the minute he comes at one of my pimples, I am hiring an attorney.  For reals.  Next topic please I just vurped in my mouth.... 

#3 Makes fast food runs at 2am. 

Hmm.  Interesting.  I can tell you right now, if I ever even asked the Admiral to get out of his cozy warm bed, and trudge out to get some Taco Bell at 2am, he would look and wonder if I ever knew him at all.  I can count on one hand how many times he has gone out on a whim just to get a snack for me when he wasn't already having to be out in public for an errand, and all were when I was pregnant, and you just do that for your pregnant wife.  End of story. Pregnant wife: yes, Hormonal wife who just wants fatty fast food at 2 am: get your own ass out of bed and get it yourself, maybe you will burn the calories you will be consuming by moving around.  Plus I can't eat that crap after 6 pm anymore anyway. 

#4 Binge watch TV shows
Now I will say we do this together.  But I also can do this with my girlfriends and my sisters.  Does this mean we have healthy relationships too?

#5 Watch the same TV show while you're in different places
Again, see the above comment.  I actually just did this with a few of my girlfriends watching the Lifetime movie Petals in the Wind.  It was hilarious to watch it and facebook messenger at
the same time.  When you have children, especially small children, you don't get to go see movies or watch TV together like you used to.  So we are always in different places. 

#6 Occupy certain positions and sides of the bed.
I feel that this is not a sign of a healthy relationship.  The bed is more a war zone at times than it is a place where we go to become a healthier happier couple.  I have my side, he has his.  If we could build the Berlin Wall of the Bedroom we totally would.  If his arm wanders over, I am totally poking him and shoving him over.  If I breathe in his face he is building a pillow barricade.  Don't even get me started on the blanket battles. 

#7 Use the bathroom together
How, HOW does this make you a happier couple??  I am sorry, but some things in life should remain a mystery, and for me, the potty is one.  I mean, it really is my ONLY sanctuary right now, so I value my time alone in the bathroom like, a lot.  I would have wine and cheese in there waiting for me with spa music playing if I could.  This is not something that makes you a healthy couple.  It is just Ew. 

#8  Snuggle.  

For the Admiral and I, this has never been a huge need.  I mean, we cuddle for a moment, and hug a lot, but I radiate heat.  I mean RADIATE.  I am like a freaking furnace.  And so is the Admiral.  So snuggling before we fall asleep is never comfortable.  My head gets sweaty, my neck hurts, his arm falls asleep, and it just isn't as fun as you think.  A long hug is about all we are good for, and it has always kind of been like that. 

#9  Pick where and what to eat together.
If the bed is a war zone, this is usually good starting battle.  Here is a little script of how this goes.

A:  What do you want to do about dinner?
M: I feel like getting sushi
A: No, I don't want that.  What else?
M: How about Olive Garden?
A: It is all carbs, I can't eat much there.  Where else?
M: (sighing) Ok, how about that steak house or that local restaurant that is all organic?
A: That is too expensive.
M: Well what do you want?
A: Mexican
M: We eat that EVERY TIME!!  I dont want that this time.  Why did you even ask me if you don't like any of my choices?
A: Just pick something.  Something else that isn't any of those other things you said.
M: Max and Erma's?
A: Ugh, we always go there....
M: Just choose, because you obviously don't like any of my ideas!  I don't even care anymore!!
A: Mexican it is....

#10  Make each other laugh
Ok, now this is one I actually do agree with.  For us, humor is super duper important.  We HAVE to laugh or otherwise things are going to get very very bad.  So when he is down down I make him laugh, and when I am down, he knows to stay the hell away from me for a while, or hand me some chocolate and wine, and tell me to go to bed.  See, this relationship works.

#11 Change clothes in front of each other.
I will be honest, this is something we do, only because most of the time we have to.  It has absolutely nothing to do with being in a healthy relationship or not, and it adds nothing to it.  I change in front of lots of people, I don't see it making my sister and I's relationship any better.

#12  Tolerate Aunt Flo
Ok., so I am not awesome when it comes to PMS.  I am emotional, and angry, and snippy.  The Admiral does one of two things: avoids me, or yells, "IS IT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH FOR YOU??"   To which then he knows that he is about to die, and then goes away and avoids me.  I do not expect him to do any of the following for me, (to quote the author ) "Ask if they need something, 'Do you want chocolate?  Do you have tampons? Compress warm enough? Feel sick?'"  Oh my word!!   I am woman enough to handle my own shiz, I don't need him babying me.  Every woman has to go through this, it doesn't mean you get card blanche to be a prissy little wuss about it.  Suck it up, do your job, get your own darn chocolate and tampons, and take a midol for heavens sake. 

#13 Choose good topics for date night
Like you are going to choose bad ones?  " Hey honey, so I guess this Ebola thing is really getting going....."  Yeah, that will set the mood. 

#14 Make pillow talk.
I can honestly say I am the world's fastest fall-a-sleeper.  Admiral timed me once, 5 minutes.  I hit that pillow after a long day and there is no talk, only sleep.  We try to get that talking in on the couch before bed or on date night, but even on the couch I fall asleep quickly or just want to be silent with my Kindle on Pinterest.  And date night, we are both pretty quiet because it is usually the most quiet we have heard in weeks.  We also joke about going out for date night and parking somewhere and just napping, and how awesome that would be. The author's last line is "And then you fall asleep in each other's arms."  Umm, see #8 on that one.  His side, my side. 

So you are probably thinking, "Tell me, what ARE the signs of healthy couples then?"  And my answer, "I don't know!!"  Every couple is different and what works for me doesn't work for you. And some couples just don't work!  I am not going think that what we do to make our marriage work is the end all be all for ALL healthy couples, because everyone is completely different.  But this is what has helped the Admiral and I stay married, and I think it goes a lot deeper than snuggling and getting me tampons.

1) Talk everyday at some point.  Even for just a few minutes, about anything. Even if it is, "hey, did you see what that chick that married George Clooney wore for the wedding?"
2) Really listen and don't always try to solve the other person's problem, unless they ask for it. 
3) Laugh.  At everything.  Even at yourself.  Even if you feel stupid.  Even if you are angry or sad, find some sort of funny in something.  You have to.
4) Don't keep score when it comes to chores, or romantic gestures.  There are times I do more, and times he does more.  It is not a competition. (Except I am totally winning.  Jk)
5)  Respect each other.  We do not post negative comments about each other on Facebook, or talk about each other to other people.  If there is a problem, we talk to each other.  If one or the other of is is being unreasonable, we wait a while and then talk about it again.  Don't get caught up in that 'don't go to bed angry' crap.  Sometimes the best thing I can do is sleep on it. (to which you know I am falling asleep in about a second flat and then won't care about the problem for a few hours)
6)  Be best friends.  I don't get caught up in the romantic gestures.  If I get flowers, awesome, if I don't, awesome, I will spend that money on shoes. 
7) Saying sorry does not make me any less than.  It just makes me wrong in that instance.  And being wrong is ok sometimes.  I don't make a habit of letting him know I feel that way, but it is a good model for our kids to know, if you are wrong, admit it and move on. 

8) Once you accept the other's apology, move on, and don't bring it back up again.  There is no satisfaction in reminding him how wrong he was..(even though he WAS wrong).  If you keep bringing it up it just hurts feelings.
9) Keep the thing about the thing. I say this all the time.  It is hard not to go out on tangets in an arguement, but if you keep the thing about the thing, it will be over with soooooo much faster.  I am still working on this.  "And you left all of those dishes in the sink, and didn't wash them off, and that makes me so mad.  Which reminds me, I can't believe that you spent all morning at the golf course last saturday and then went back again......"  Keep the thing about the thing.  One argument at a time.
10) Be a team.  Parenting is a long, very drawn out war.  It is you versus them.  You are much more likely to survive if you are a unified front.  Even if you are divorced or separated, co-parenting requires teamwork, or the natives will take over, and hold you hostage.  It is life and death.  Because eventually they will be grown ups one day, and in charge of taking care of YOU.  Our goal is that at least ONE of our kids will be responsible enough to let us live with them until we die....


So what we have learned about us as a couple in the last 18 years.  It works for us.  At least until the zombie apocalypse, in which case, I know we are screwed (The Admiral admits he will be the first to die), so I will be riding off into the sunset with Daryl.  I am so excited for The Walking Dead to start back again on Sunday!  (See, I have a hard time keeping the thing about the thing.)