What if adults talked like kids?

So I was listening to my kids talk to other day, and I had a thought.  What if, WHAT IF, I talked to my friends the way they talk to each other.  What kind of a jerk would I be?  I certainly wouldn't have any friends that is for sure, and I would most likely go to jail for assault on more than one occasion.  So I am going to share with you a few brief conversations my kids have had, and I am going to post it as if I were talking to someone else, just so that you can see how ridiculous kids are.  Mkay?

Scene: watching a show about planets on National Geographic
Me: I like Uranus
Friend: My anus
Me: No, Uranus.  I like it.
Friend: I like it too.
Me: No you can't like it, I already said I like it.  I like Uranus
Friend:  I like it too
Me: No!  IIIIIIIIII LIKE URANUS!!!!!  IIIIIIIIIII DO!!!  YOU DON"T LIKE IT, I LIKE IT!!
(pause for a beat)
Friend: I like my anus.....



Scene: listening to music in the car
Me:(singing)  I don't care.....I love it
Friend: I like that too, I don't care...........
Me: NOOOOO!!!!!  I AM SINGING!!!!!!!! 
(Friend looks at me and starts to cry)
Me: You can sing later, but not that song, you can sing another song.  That is my song.


Scene: Hanging out in the family room ( now this was between me and one of the kids)
Friend: Let's go have a snack, ok
Me: I want to finish my puzzle
Friend: Can we finish the puzzel after snack?  It is time to eat.
Me: NOOOO!!!!!  PUZZLE!!!!!!! I WANT THE PUZZLE!!!! 
Friend: Fine, then you won't have any ice cream then.  Because I was going to have ice cream.  You can have nothing.
Me: I WAAAAAANT ICE CREAM!!!!
Friend: Well let's go then
ME: I WAAAAANT PUZZLE!!!!!!!!


Scene: Hanging out in the family room
Me: (to everyone in the room) I am so beautiful in this dress!  I am just a precious thing aren't I?  I am just so precious in this dress you all want to look at me.


Scene: In the van
Friend: (singing) Christmas lights, christmas lights, I love christmas lights.....
Me:(Singing) C.L., C.L., C.L......
Friend: (singing) C.L, C.L., C.L
Me: You can't say that, you don't know what it means.
Friend: Yes I do.  C is for cake.
Me: Hahahaha!  No it doesn't, it stands for Christmas lights!!  Hahaha!  You can't sing it because you don't know what it means!
Friend: But C is for cake.  (singing) Cake cake cake.....
Me; (singing over friend, louder.  Much louder) C.L., C.L., C.L........!
Friend : CAKE....CAKE...CAKE........!

Scene: (hanging out in the family room yet again)
Me: (reciting chistmas list out loud to no one in particular )and I want play dishes, and play food, and books, and a tutu...
Friend: Are you done talking yet?  I want to talk.  You are taking too long, can I talk now?
Me:  NO!  I am not done talking!  You wait until I am done! (pauses and glares menacingly at friend)  and I want princess dresses....

So you see, kids are little jerks to each other.  How do these people make friends, and actually keep them?  If I were another kid, I wouldn't want to be friends with another kid, because they are just rude, self absorbed, little jerks.  But they manage to keep friends, and I just don't get it.  When do they grow out of acting this way?  Well, the more I think of it, I am not so sure EVERYONE grows out of it.....

I am complete hypocrite

I realized when I was yelling at my kids the other day that I am complete hypocrite.

I do almost everything that I tell them not to do.  Give or take the serious infractions (ie peeing in the tub, eating gum off of the floor, putting my feet in my mouth. You get the picture.)  But I realize that I do tell them to do one thing, and then turn right around and do another.

For example.
* I tell Your royal highness before bed that the next day he needs to clean up his room, it is a pig stye, and looks like a bomb went off in there.  I immediately walk into my bedroom after yelling at him, and throw my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor next to my bed, let a water bottle (it was closed!) drop onto the floor and not pick it up, and notice glasses of water  that are empty sitting on my dresser and leave them for the next day (which will still not get taken down).

*I also tell him daily to make his bed, and when I get up in the morning, do I make mine? I do not...

*The kids whine to me that they are hungry 15 minutes before dinner is ready.  I tell them, "you need to wait for dinner.  It isn't that far away."  I go into the kitchen and stuff an Oreo in my mouth while I finish making dinner.

*I scream at the kids to stop  screaming, and I then continue screaming about how rude it is to scream in the house.

*I tell the kids not to eat food off of the floor.  I drop a peice of chocolate, pick it up, blow on it, and pop it into my mouth. (you cannot let chocolate go to waste.  That is a sin.)

*I tell the kids "You get an hour and 30 minutes of TV time a day.  That is all!  No ifs, ands, or buts!"  and then after they go to bed watch 4 hours of DVR'd shows in a marathon to catch up on things I have missed.

*I tell the kids "No, you may not eat in the car. You will
drop crumbs everywhere.  We will be home in a few minutes, and you can have it then."  Then on my way home from Weight watchers I eat a small fry as fast as I can in the car on my way home, sprinkling salt all over my shirt, and seat. (To clarify, I do this because I do not eat dinner before I go, because I do not want the weight of my dinner displayed on the scale.  I also make sure I poop before I go, and wear shorts and a tank top that I strip down to under my jeans and sweatshirt in front of everyone because I do not want that weight  displayed on the scale either.  I totally would get naked if I could, but really, no one wants to see that.....)

*I tell your royal highness not to slam doors, throw things, or pound his fist when he is mad, then when the Admiral and I have an argument, I pound my fist on the table, throw a stuffed animal across the room, storm out of the door and slam it.

*I tell your royal highness that he needs to do his homework right away when he gets home to get it done and out of the way.  Then the moment I have something that needs done that has a deadline, I put it off until the last possible moment and then freak out and stay up all night to get it done.

*Your royal highness sees a spider in the bathroom.  I make him kill the spider, and then have a half an hour argument with him about why he needs to clean it up, citing that "you will have to do this when you grow up and are on your own."  Then when I see a spider in our bathroom, I get the Admiral to come and kill it, and clean it up.

I swear to you, I am not a mean mom.  I am not a d-bag who thinks I am above the laws I set at my house.  I just want my kids to be a better person that I am.  I want them to just automatically make their bed when they grow up.  I want them to not snack all of the time.  I want them to keep their car neater than I do, and to handle their anger in more constructive ways that I do.

But the great thing is.....I do all of these things out of their eye sight, so they have no idea how hypocratic I really really am!  So in their eyes, I really do all of these things that I tell them to do, cementing in their head my perfection.  I have to believe that all moms do this, and have been doing this for years and years and years.  Generations of moms eating treats out of the visual feild of their kids, and making their husbands kill spiders, and screaming for their kids to stop screaming.  I just have to believe it is so. Otherwise I AM a complete d-bag, and I need to rethink my life!!

The five o'clock freak out

When my oldest (Your royal highness) was little, the Admiral and I coined the phrase "5 o'clock freak out".

It seemed like every night, from the time he was an infant, at around 5 o'clock, he would stop whatever he was doing, be it sleeping, eating, playing, what have you, and just freak the freak out.  I do not mean in a fun, party kind of way.  I mean in a no holds barred, rage against the machine, I am dying and you are doing nothing to help me sort of freak out.  He would cry, inconsolable for about a good hour, and then be completely fine. 

We spoke to our doctor, and he said, all babies have a fussy time of the day.  He asked if this went on for hours at a time, to which we said, "no".  He smiled, and said "No colic then..."  and said, just hold on and it will pass.  Eventually he will grow out of it.

My pediatrician is a lying liar.

He most certainly did NOT grow out of it.  In fact, I believe when each of the babies were little, he sat

down with them individually and one by one taught them as if he were a jedi master, how to throw a good  5o'clock freak out.  Because I schmidt you not, they ALL DO IT!  Thumbelina, and Mini me do it, and so does little man.  And in a great turn of events they have extended if for an extra half hour, which has now made it into a 4:30 freak out, right on time for the parents of the kids I babysit for to pick them up. 

So daily, my poor parents come at 4:30 to pick up their precious-es and my kids are all fighting and screaming, and pulling toys out of each others hands, and the oldest is yelling at me from upstairs freaking out because he "doesn't get this homework!!  I need help!"  When I tell him "I have to deal with these insane little people down here in the playroom first and then I can help you with that."  I am met with "AHHH!!!  You don't care if I fail!  And I WILL fail mom!  I can't do this!  It is too hard!  I am going to fail and you don't care!" and I hear him wailing to his room and slamming the door.  To which I reply "Oh my god!  Drama! Calm down and I will be there in a minute!"  as I am pulling Little man off of the bookshelf, and grabbing Mini Me to release the toy that she just stole from, let's call her, additional kid #1, who is screaming "NOOOOOOO!!! MIIIIIIIINEE!!!!!!!" and letting her drag her across the floor, also while Thumbelina is screaming "MOOOOOOM!!" and I look over, thinking some terrible fate is about to befall her, only for her to innocently look at me and say "Watch what I can do"  as she walks on her tiptoes (which she ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO DO AND HAS BEEN ABLE TO DO FOR A YEAR!).  It takes my entire being not to say to her, "Wow Thumbelina, you are a genius!  I am so happy I stopped trying to save your friend from getting her arm pulled out of it's socket so that I could see you do that!  I am so proud." as sarcastically as I can.  But I don't.  I say "Great baby" and keep on keeping on, trying to diffuse the chaos, as they are all crying and wailing at the same time.

All of this is in the presence of the people who trust me and pay good money for me to raise their little ones into good citizens, and it looks like I am raising them to murder each other, and become kleptomaniacs, like my own kids!  And I swear to them daily, "They really have all been good today, I promise.  They just seem to freak out every day about this time.  We have had a great day..." and I proceed to list off all of the fun things we did, while the cacophony of noise is getting louder and louder.  I am crying out in my head, "I promise, my kids are usually so good!  They aren't d-bags, they are usually really sweet to each other, and really funny!  This is just the hour of the day that it all goes to hell! And if you were to be here at 6, you would see, they are not insane!  Really!"  My eyes plead with them, as the wailing of my oldest continues upstairs, and the world falls down around me in the playroom.

But I have no idea what they are thinking.  I assume they believe me since they bring them back every day. 

Unfortunately this tends to go on while I am making dinner.  I try to keep them all occupied at the table with coloring and playdoh.  But for some reason, this hour of the day, they just lose their mind and do things that they would never do at any other time.  For example, Mini me, just last night, took a blue marker, and covered her entire face with blue!  She never does that!  I snapped at her, "Mini me!  What do you think you are doing????!!!"  She just stared at me as if I were the crazy one and why wouldn't she color her entire face blue?  Silly mom.  And of course it wasn't washable Crayola, it was a dry erase marker for her letter board that WILL NOT WASH OFF!  She is still blue today.

Then we have dinner, and it is the same every night.  If you would like a synopsis of how dinner goes, please see my post "Every. Single. Night." 

And then the freak out is over.  We get down from the dinner table, and they play in the playroom quietly, calmly, and cooperatively.  Like it never even happened. 

Grow out of it my ass........

Party Animal

People are liars.

And I mean about EVERYTHING.  The good news is, I am not even sure they realize they are doing it most of the time, because I would like to believe that people are just naive, and not evil.

For example, last night I went to a jewelry "party" that I was invited to.  I have gone to a lot of these "parties" in my life.  Let's be honest here, and call it what it is.  It is not so much a party, as it is a live infomercial.  You sit and listen to the representative go on and on an on about how wonderful the product is, be it jewlery, kitchen gadgets, candles, bags, or home decorating stuff, and they give you all of the reasons why it is so wonderful. Then they let you look around, look at a catalog, and then you get the pressure to order right now, because if you don't, then the "hostess" aka, your friend who conned you into going to her "party" with the promise of snacks and wine, won't get free stuff.  And who wants to be the d-bag that doesn't get her girl free stuff?  So I pay $40 for a piece of costume jewelery, or for a spatula, or for a candle,  just so my girl can get a free apple-peeler-corer-slicer, that I could have bought for her for $10 at Target

and just gifted it to her.  But I feel bad double for going and not getting something, because #1, they liked me enough to invited me over for this, and #2 I know they had to take all of the trouble to clean their house because they were having people over. (And trust me, I know what a huge ordeal that is!  It is like a girl shaving her legs for a date night with the hubs, and then not getting any later. Its like "well what did I go to all of that trouble for???")

But the "party" thing is getting out of control.  They have one for everything now!  You name it there is a "party" for it.  The one that I have not been to yet, but am really curious about are the "romantic" items.  Mostly because I want to know how the heck do they demo those???  I know for a certain kitchen gadget party, they prepare a whole bevy of snacks using all of the tools that they want you to buy.  And for the jewelry "parties", they want you to try on all of the jewlery.  The one I went to last night, the sales lady told us, "try it on, play with it, have fun."  Do the sales ladies for those "romantic" parties give out those items and say "try it out, play with it"?  Or do they stand in front of you and do a demonstration?  It just seems like a weird sort of line of items to have a party for.  Just sayin...

Now, don't get me wrong,  I do not think that these "parties" are a bad thing.  I mean, Avon has been around for years, doing essentially the same thing,  but they never called it a "party". I don't think they really called it anything, it was just "Avon calling!"  and you got to play around with make up.  Mary Kay doesn't call them parties, they call them demonstrations.  I guess, when I think of "party" I think of a paaaar-taaay, not stting as a memeber of my own personal "sham-wow" commercial. 

But, to my friends out there, please don't not invite me, because you guys all make the best snacks for these things, and I really like snacks......and getting away from my kids for a couple of hours. 

Once Upon a Time......

I am not going to lie, I love to read.  A lot.  I have a certain genre that I like, and I prefer to read books that are in a series.  I feel like I am really weird when it comes to books.  I have rules when it comes to reading. 

#1. Thou shalt finish the book as fast as humanly possible.
 I tend to start a book, and if it is a good one, I will finish it as fast as possible.  I get really into a story, and then I have a really hard time putting the book down until I know everything that happens.  Before I got my Kindle, I would read the last two pages of the book, just so I would have an idea of what happens at the end, and to quote When Harry Met Sally "so that if I die before I finish the book, I know what happens." Also, I have a very weak ablity to delay gratification, so I must find out, and it cannot wait.  I finished Harry Potter's Half Blood Prince in 28 hours straight.  And yes.  I am proud of that fact.

#2. Thou shalt not bother me when I am in a good part

So I have four kids, as most of you know.  Three of them are very small.  I get very witchy if I am in a good part of a story and someone needs something from me.  It is as if in my head I am thinking, "Don't you people understand??  Katniss is hiding and the people looking for her are RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE SHE IS IN!  This is not a time for needing help in the bathroom! I know you are two years old, but I think you can manage to wipe your own butt!  I have to make sure Katniss gets out of the tree alright! She needs my help or she will die!" 

#3. Thou shalt love the main character as thyself
I tend to get attached.  This is the reason I stick with books that are part of a series.  I actually had a mourning period after Harry Potter was over.  I even broke my rule #1 with the final book, trying to slowly read it, savoring every last word, because I knew it would be the last.  With Hunger Games I felt defeated and sad, because I wanted to spend more time with Katniss.  Don't even get me started with 50 Shades of Gray.  Oh sweet sweet Christian....  So the longer the series, the better for me.  This is why Janet Evanovitch is my hero.  We have Stephanie Plum going into book 20 and still going strong!! 

#4. Thou shalt read the book before seeing the movie.

This rule is a big one for me.  Movies tend to seriously mangle the book.  I like to go into the movie already with the knowledge of what is going to happen.  I feel I have an advantage because I know so much back-story. Like a little secret only I know.  Gives me a sense of superiority over those lesser people who have not been as enlightened as I, and read the book.  Also, I like to form my own ideas of what a charactor looks like.  For example:
In my head:
Christian Grey:  Looks a lot like Matt Bohmer from White Collar.
Katniss Everdeen:  Looks like me with brown hair
Hermionie Granger:  Looks like me with brown curly hair
Harry Potter:  Looks like Daniel Radcliff (umm, because he was perfect for the role I tell you!)
Ron Weasly:  Looks like the Admiral with red hair
Stephanie Plum:  Looks like me with crazy jersey hair and make up

So you see, movies will ruin the picture I have in my head.  I do not need that until the book is over.  I don't want to read a whole book and have some random actress in my head the whole time.  They get enough attention. 

#5. Thou shalt have an element of science fiction or fantasy about it, with a few exceptions.

I love me some fantasy.  I have already told you what a nerd I am, so this should not be a surprise.  I love Lord of the Rings, Dean Koontz books, Stephen King, Harry Potter, and many others of the same genre.  I do have a few exceptions.  I like mysteries.  Those do not have to have a sci fy element, because the question of "why" or "who"  takes the place of that.  I need an element of wonder about my stories.  I read to escape the world I live in.  I don't need to read about things that could happen to me or others in the here and now.  This also has it's exceptions (Unbroken is one.  Oh. My. Gosh. That book was amazing and intense.)

So these are my rules.  I rarely break them, but sometimes it is necessary.  For example, if I don't know a movie is based on a book, I will sometimes see it first and then read the series after.  Or sometimes I will have to put the book down to take care of my family, therefore leaving our Hero or Heroine in peril for days at a time.  But it is rare. 

Right now I am on the search for a good series to read.  Any suggestions are welcome.  But you know

my rules now.  So no romantic comedies, or love stories, unless it has that S&M, broken psyche sort of element to it like 50 shades.  Or one of the couple is being stalked by a murder that has some sort of devilish quality about him, or can see ghosts like Odd Thomas. Or one or more of them can do magic. Or one of them is a vampire, and not the kind that sparkles.... because that is just stupid and I have my standards. (and yes, I read them......)