I do almost everything that I tell them not to do. Give or take the serious infractions (ie peeing in the tub, eating gum off of the floor, putting my feet in my mouth. You get the picture.) But I realize that I do tell them to do one thing, and then turn right around and do another.
For example.* I tell Your royal highness before bed that the next day he needs to clean up his room, it is a pig stye, and looks like a bomb went off in there. I immediately walk into my bedroom after yelling at him, and throw my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor next to my bed, let a water bottle (it was closed!) drop onto the floor and not pick it up, and notice glasses of water that are empty sitting on my dresser and leave them for the next day (which will still not get taken down).
*I also tell him daily to make his bed, and when I get up in the morning, do I make mine? I do not...
*The kids whine to me that they are hungry 15 minutes before dinner is ready. I tell them, "you need to wait for dinner. It isn't that far away." I go into the kitchen and stuff an Oreo in my mouth while I finish making dinner.
*I scream at the kids to stop screaming, and I then continue screaming about how rude it is to scream in the house.
*I tell the kids not to eat food off of the floor. I drop a peice of chocolate, pick it up, blow on it, and pop it into my mouth. (you cannot let chocolate go to waste. That is a sin.)
*I tell the kids "You get an hour and 30 minutes of TV time a day. That is all! No ifs, ands, or buts!" and then after they go to bed watch 4 hours of DVR'd shows in a marathon to catch up on things I have missed.
*I tell the kids "No, you may not eat in the car. You will drop crumbs everywhere. We will be home in a few minutes, and you can have it then." Then on my way home from Weight watchers I eat a small fry as fast as I can in the car on my way home, sprinkling salt all over my shirt, and seat. (To clarify, I do this because I do not eat dinner before I go, because I do not want the weight of my dinner displayed on the scale. I also make sure I poop before I go, and wear shorts and a tank top that I strip down to under my jeans and sweatshirt in front of everyone because I do not want that weight displayed on the scale either. I totally would get naked if I could, but really, no one wants to see that.....)
*I tell your royal highness not to slam doors, throw things, or pound his fist when he is mad, then when the Admiral and I have an argument, I pound my fist on the table, throw a stuffed animal across the room, storm out of the door and slam it.
*I tell your royal highness that he needs to do his homework right away when he gets home to get it done and out of the way. Then the moment I have something that needs done that has a deadline, I put it off until the last possible moment and then freak out and stay up all night to get it done.*Your royal highness sees a spider in the bathroom. I make him kill the spider, and then have a half an hour argument with him about why he needs to clean it up, citing that "you will have to do this when you grow up and are on your own." Then when I see a spider in our bathroom, I get the Admiral to come and kill it, and clean it up.
I swear to you, I am not a mean mom. I am not a d-bag who thinks I am above the laws I set at my house. I just want my kids to be a better person that I am. I want them to just automatically make their bed when they grow up. I want them to not snack all of the time. I want them to keep their car neater than I do, and to handle their anger in more constructive ways that I do.
But the great thing is.....I do all of these things out of their eye sight, so they have no idea how hypocratic I really really am! So in their eyes, I really do all of these things that I tell them to do, cementing in their head my perfection. I have to believe that all moms do this, and have been doing this for years and years and years. Generations of moms eating treats out of the visual feild of their kids, and making their husbands kill spiders, and screaming for their kids to stop screaming. I just have to believe it is so. Otherwise I AM a complete d-bag, and I need to rethink my life!!
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