I will not run, don't ask me.

So as most of you know, I am a Weight Watcher.  I count points, track (most of the time.  I have been a loser about this lately.) and the theory is, I exercise. 

There are so many good reasons to exercise.  You feel better.  You have more energy.  You sleep better.  There are countless medical benefits. And you get those great good feeling hormones after you are done.  There are so many reasons to want to do it. 

But I. Just. Can't.

I HATE exercising.  I have tried a broad spectum of things.  I have tried running (you people are nuts.  There is not one good thing I can find about running. I have NEVER ONCE felt the runner high you all sing praises about. My knees hurt, my ankles hurt, I breathe too hard, and my boobs are too big for that crap. Not my thing at all.)

 I have always enjoyed swimming, so I tried getting up early in the morning and swimming.  I cannot tell you how bad I was at that.  My BFF and I used to do this thing where we would meet at the gym early in the morning to swim together because this would help keep us both accountable.  The plan was to meet there on Tuesdays at 6am.  Do you know how many times I called her to tell her I wasn't going to make it?  Let me just say more than I actually showed up. 

I tried walking.  I have decided that I should not be alone with my thoughts for that long, because it makes it really hard for me to return back to the house.  I do it for too long and the Admiral is going to have to come looking for me like we do the dog, shaking a box of wine "Here girl!  Come on!  Let's go home!   Treat treat treat!!  Good girl!!"

I have tried those exercise videos.  I couldn't do it.  I just found myself talking back sarcastically to
the instructor on the video, and then my kids started doing it too.  I didn't think that this was a good example to set for them at all. (Your royal highness actually said to the video as I was doing it 'this lady is a joke mom.  She isn't sweating or anything.  And she is WAY too happy.  No one is that happy when they exercise.'  I seriously think that he thinks the way I look, and the faces I make when I work out is how everyone looks.  Poor child.)

I even tried doing the Xbox 360 Kinnect, which is one of the more successful attempts at exercise I have had recently.  I like playing video games, so this is more fun than work most of the time.  I like the Dance Central videos.  But, the problem with this is, they take your picture during the dance, and then SHOW IT TO YOU after it is over.  That is NOT positive reinforcement people.  I think I am looking all like Beyonce, and then the picture comes up and what I am really looking like is a The Hippo from Disney's Fantasia.  This does not make me want to keep going.

So why do I hate exercise?  I shall tell you.

#1. I do not enjoy sweating.  At all.
I do not like the way I feel when my body sweats.  It is more like my body is crying instead of sweating.  "Please stop!  You are killing us!', it is saying.  I feel hot, and grouchy.  Some people enjoy sweating. I really cannot understand this.  It makes my hair go completely firestarter, my scalp itch, my thighs chaff, my bra rub me raw, my back all icky sticky, and my glasses slide off my nose.  I hate it.

#2. I do not like getting out of breath.

I cannot tell you how fast I get out of breath.  And I know it is because I am out of shape, so please don't send me a comment about that.  I hate breathing hard.  It is not at all sexy.  At all.  Some girls can get out of breath, and it is athletic, and sexy.  I sound like I have emphysema.  I am gasping and choking, and bending over to the ground.  I gulp water, and practically choke on it because I need more oxygen. And then when it is over, I have a headache because of all the gasping.

#3 I look absolutely ridiculous
I hate when you walk into the gym, and all the cute girls with their little bodies are wearing just shorts and a sports bra thing.  First of all, I have NEVER been able to pull this off.  Ever.  Even in high school, I was a busty girl, and if I attempted to do the sports bra only thing, stuff just comes bouncing out that does not need to come out.  When I work out, I have to wear two sports bras.  The other thing is, I need the Tshirt and yoga pants to cover up the ripples and rolls that happen when I move.  I have a mom body.  I have cellulite.  So when I take a step, my thighs have aftershocks.  When I punch a bag, physics books use my arms to illustrate the law "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" as the shockwaves come back toward my face.  Plus my face gets all red and splotchy and sweaty.  I do not have a 'glow' about me when I am done.  Unless you count 'glowing' as looking like a boiled beet. 

#4 I am NOT graceful. 
I am a clutz.  I have always been one, and I will always be one.  I tried to get on the elliptical at the gym.  It almost cost me my life and the lives of everyone around me.  I have been swiming my whole life, I was on SWIM TEAM in high school. But the last time I attempted a flip turn, I almost drown from the amount of water up my nose.  I fractured my foot dancing to Dance Central in my own basement, that was void of furniture.  I rolled my ankle doing the dishes last night.  So coordination is not a talent for me.  (I feel so sorry for Thumbelllina.  She takes after me in this area.)

All in all, working out is a great idea.  I just can NOT get the motivation to do it.  In my head I constantly say "This is the week.  I am going to do it.  I am working out 2 times!!"   But at night, after the kids are in bed, the couch just looks so comfy, and then after that my bed sings the song of the Siren and I am under it's spell to obey. And I just can't get up and do it before my kids get up.  They wake up at 6am, and that means I would have to get up at 5am.  Not going to happen.

So I guess my only other option for weight loss is tracking.  So I will bite it, and write it until I can get the gumption to get off my well seasoned butt and do it.  I just really really really don't want to.