Quit licking the toilet!

There are many many things that we say as parents that we honestly never thought we would say.  Words that we never would have dreamed would have been put together in the same sentence.  I would have to say, if I was my teenage self, (pause a moment here while I look back at my teenage self, long for that body that I didn't appreciate and how hot I was, and how athletic I used to be.  Wait, I was never athletic, but hey, this is my flashback, so it doesn't have to be 100% true.)  I would look at myself now, and totally make fun of me.  I would never believe the things that I do, wear, or say, were really me.

Back in the good ol days, I would never have felt comfortable talking about the things I freely talk about today.  I would have been mortified to admit my kids were shouting "Are you pooping mommy?  You gotta poop???" in the Lowe's bathroom when I was there with them alone, and just couldn't wait to use the bathroom until I got home.  And no, I was not pooping.  But to three toddlers, anything you do in the bathroom is poop.  And poop is always hilarious to them. 

Back in the good old days, I would never have admitted to my kids, publicly, in the bathroom at McDonalds at the beach, that yes indeed, those were my breasts that they were looking at, and pointing at, as a line of spectators waited outside our stall.  But this is not the good old days, this is now.  And now humility is gone, and I have no sense of self preservation or modesty when it comes to life.  Here are a few of the gems that I have said to my kids lately.  My high school self would be crawling away from me, dying from embarrassment.

"Stop licking the toilet."

"No, that is the dog's penis, you may not touch it, he may bite you."

"That is a very pretty dress on you Little Man, yes you are very pretty"

"I don't know why your princess Tiana doesn't have a front butt, it looks like they painted underwear on her."

"Quit squeezing my breast Thumbellina, those belong to me. You may not touch them"

"Yes your royal highness, my goal in life is to make you completely miserable.  They make us sign a paper before we leave the hospital."

"Please put the grasshopper down honey, he wants to see his mommy. (she puts it down and it is obviously dead now) Honey I think he is sleeping, we need to leave him be."

"No, you may not lick the floor at Target."

"Please don't eat your band-aid.  What do you mean that isn't yours?!?!?!"

"We do not ride the dog like a horse, he is old. I serisouly think you want bitten."

"We do not push our sister's head down in the water.  That is called drowning, and murder."

Those were all just said in the last couple of weeks.  I want you to realize, most of these were said very seriously.  And as I said before, I would have been embarrassed before.  But now, it is really just another day.