Phase one: Excitement, and grand plans:
So I have decided to host a party! That is wonderful! Who doesn't enjoy time with friends and hearing their house filled with laughter and the sound of ice tinkling in glasses. The first thing I do is make a list of who all I want to come. This is not super easy, because I have a terrible memory and always seem to forget someone. Then I get invitaitions, because I am old school like that, and fill them out right away, address them, and stick the stamps on them. Then sit them on the console table by the door, where they sit for another few weeks, because I never can seem to remember to actually take them out to the mailbox. Then it is Pinterest time! I hit up Pinterest for some ideas that will absolutely never come to fruition. This party's grand idea was to make a giant photo booth out of cardboard boxes. (Never. Gonna. Happen)
Phase two: Feeling organized, one week before the party
So party date is set, finally mailed invites, and now I am gong to try to conquer cleaning this house without killing myself. So I make a plan to clean the house a little bit each day. This is a great idea, unless you have kids. I clean the bathroom, then Your Royal Highness who has the aim of a 95 year old blind guy, helps me break in the bathroom for that not too clean feeling. Then Little man has a 15 minute splash fest during bath time, and Thumbellina sneeks into the bathroom to "wash her hands' with the toothpaste. I clean the living room, and literally 20 minutes later, puzzels are strewn about the floor like snow, and Your royal highness sets his heavily iced drink right on the table. Overnight. So there is a nice giant ring and puddle around the cup right in the ding dang middle of the table. Candy wrappers from who knows who are all over the floor (it may or may not have been me), and homework papers are under the couch now. Dog hair is replaced as soon as it is swept up. Seeing as I can only clean when the children are asleep, most of my work is undone, and cannot be done again until the following sleep time. So we are looking at 48 hours before the party, and most of my work has to be redone again.
I have 48 hours until the party. I have to re-clean my entire house. I have to make food. No one has really RSVP'd (just so you know, this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Just say yes or no! I sent my email address, you don't even have to call me!) so I don't entirely know how much food to make (and also just so you know, I come from a long line of people in my family where if you don't have a lot of leftovers after a party, you didn't make enough food.) I don't know what I am going to wear, and I don't have time to go and get something new! None of my clothes fit me anymore, I have lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers, and I have nothing that fits! (Before that, the panic was I was too fat for all of my clothes and I have nothing to wear.) My kids all need baths, and the dog needs washed. I need to get going making that photo booth or it isn't going to happen! I don't' think I am going to have enough beer! What if I can't get the house cleaned in time? What if no one comes? I wanted to paint the entire house and now I don't have time to do that! What are people going to think???? I take most of this anxiety out on anyone in my family who tries to talk to me or add things to my to do list. "What?? You need me to make you lunch for school today? I don't have time for this nonsense!!" "What do you mean you there are no clean socks?? You people are so freakin needy! Socks, food, water...when does it end with you people?!?!"
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| This was the photo booth idea. Who was going to run it? Me? |
Food is made and ready to go, House is getting clean, but my grand ideas did not come to fruition. Photo booth did not get made. Party favors for guests did not get made. Straws with little mustaches taped onto them for people to use did not get made. House did not get painted. Pictures did not get bought and hung on the walls. Outfit did not get bought. How did I not get all of this done? What have I been doing this whole time?? (Oh right, raising a family). I just shouldn't have parties. Why do I put myself through this?? I am never having a party again! Ever!
Phase five: Anxiety, the hour before the party
Maybe I have time to just throw on a quick coat of paint to the bathroom? Just the bathroom! I swear! No? How about the photo booth? I could whip one up really fast. Oh crap, no I can't, I have to go and re-clean the bathroom for the 80th time....
Phase six: Elation, the party is here
People start showing up and bringing food and beer and wine and desserts and conversation. People are entertaining my kids so I can have a moment to socialize with someone whose vocabulary is larger than 100 words. Everyone is commenting on how great the house is. I am in heaven! I love this! So much good food! I love these people! I am so glad all of them came, and that I made extra food just in case! "Oh this outfit? I know I have lost some weight, I need new clothes. Thanks for noticing how much looser my clothes are, and telling me how skinny I am!"
Phase seven: Amnesia, after that party
That was so much fun! I had such a great time! How nice to have everyone here, and the kids are exhausted from playing with everyone. They are so tired they went right to sleep without one person out of bed. My house is so clean I won't have to clean it for a week, except for the party trash. But my family and friends are so awesome, they helped clean up after the party, so I am all done already! You know what, we should really do this more often Admiral. What do you mean I have lost my mind?
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