My inner cookie monster

It is Christmas.

I am a weight watcher, and recently diagnosed Gluten Sensitive.

And I am the official cookie baker for the family.  Sigh....

 I love to bake.  Let me say that again.  I LOVE TO BAKE.  It is relaxing, and it has all of the aromatherapy I need to put me in a good mood.  I like to bake cookies the most, because they are little bite sized pieces of love.  It is the most clean fun one can have in a kitchen.  I love the way the mixer whirrs, and the sound of eggs cracking.  I love the feel of the dough as I spoon it onto the baking sheet.  And I love, love, love the smell it makes.  Cookies to me, are just about the most perfect food.  I have found the perfect recipies for cookies that are not too cake-y, crunchy, and just the right amount of chewy.  I have done a lot of trial and error, and have mastered it. 

And this year.  I can't eat it. 

This is just about the saddest thing in the world to me at this moment. 

I have been trying to avoid them, but sometimes I just can't resist. Then everytime I try to eat one of my creations, I feel really ill afterward.  Great for Weight Watchers I suppose, no added pounds or extra points to count from cookies, if I really want to look at the bright side.  (there is no bright side to this people.  Spare me.)

And, it is not  memories of making cookies with my mom  that make cookies so special to me, my mom is not a cookie maker.  She is a pie maker (mmmmm....pie is good too...).  So I do not have some cherished memory thing going on there.  It is literally the cookie itself that makes me happy.  A round little piece of yummy-ness that just makes you smile when you eat it.  Try taking a warm cookie out of the oven, and (after it cools of course.  Been there done that mouth burn.  I am worse with waiting for cookies than I am with coffee!) take a bite and try to NOT be a little happier.  You can't.  You just can't be completely unhappy while eating a warm chocolate chip cookie.  I mean, I have had tears, and then taken a bite, and still not smiled, but my soul was grinning on the inside.  And we all think the same thing in our heads when we eat it.  "Mmmm.  Cookie.  Good.  Mmmm." 

I am not talking about the store bought variety.  It is not the same.  In fact, some of those store bought "cookies" are an abomination. You might as well just call them sweet crackers.  Pffft, calling themselves cookies.  No, a cookie is sort of crunchy, but sort of chewy and just a little soft.  It goes stale if you don't eat it in a few days, and therefore must be consumed fast.  Those storebought "cookies" will last forever.  There is no love in them.  No aromatherapy.  A cookie is an event, not a grab and go.  Real cookies are meant to mean something.

Which is why I am so sad about this stupid gluten intolerance.  I found a flour that will make a passable cookie.  It works for chocolate chip, but not sugar or gingerbread (my other two favs).  But even in the chocolate chip, the texture is not the same.  sigh.... 

Oh cookie...why have you forsaken me???? 

I guess I will just have to substitute dark chocolate love for cookie love.

The cons of travelling with my family

It is almost that time. Nearly every New Year's we head to North Carolina to spend the week after Christmas until New Years Day with my brothers and sisters. 

I mean, we are pretty awesome and fun.  There is always a lot of laughing and story telling that goes on.  Lots of cards, and cooking, and a whole lot of sampling of the egg nog, if you know what I mean!!

Two days after spending Christmas with my entire side of the family, just because we apparently love each other THAT much, the majority of my sibling gang (you know I am the youngest of seven right?) all take off to invade my oldest brother's house in North Carolina to spend the rest of Christmas week, and New Years together.  He is the sibling that lives the farthest away, therefore he is dubbed the "vacation house".  Plus it is normally about 20 degrees warmer there, so it feels like summer to us. (We actually hang out in his driveway in lawn chairs, in shorts, soaking up the sun.  I am sure his neighbors think we are completely crazy.)   I love going, because there are just that many more people available to help me with the kiddos, giving me a real sense of vacation, instead of the vacations we take alone, and I am essentially doing the same job in a strange place with none of the comforts of home.  As much as I love love love love this time, there are a few drawbacks to this trip. Not enough to detract us from going every year, but they are enough to give us pause every December to weight the pros and cons of making the trek.  ( Don't worry big brother, we always decide on going, this year is no different!!)

Cons to traveling post Christmas with my family to North Carolina:

1. The 8 hour car ride with 4 kids, 3 of them under the age of 4.
Now I am certainly blessed to have a DVD player in the van, and let me tell you, we play that sucker the WHOLE TRIP DOWN.  It is the one time of year I will let my kids watch 8 hours of TV nonstop.  The problem with this is finding something that will pacify not only my littles, but also not annoy the heck out of my 10 year old.  We do a lot of Disney movies, but some of them ( like Brave) are too scary for the little ones, and unfortunately the scary part is the only part the 10 year old looks forward to.  He is just on the cusp of not liking those movies any more, and so where he is totally getting into the "Goonies" type of movies, the little ones aren't ready for hearing Chunk say "Oh shit, what?"  when the penis breaks off of the statue. ( Though from the week I have had, I am sure they have heard that phrase anyway.)  Finding the balance is a slippery little dance.

2. Packing.
Now I love the Admiral very much, and he works super hard to provide for our family.  So I do not expect him to have to help pack for the trip, because once we are ready to go, he is the one that loads and unloads everything, and does almost all of the driving.  So I pack everyone but him.  This means, I PACK ALL 4 KIDS AND MYSELF.  And because I am me, I never pack ahead of time.  My bestie and I are so much alike this way. "Is it the day before the trip?  Oh, I will pack tomorrow morning, it will be fine...."  I realize that this is all my fault, and I don't intend for this to happen, it just does. 

Then we have to play the adult version of Tetris, and pack the van with everything for all 6 of us.  It is so much easier now, than it was a year ago, because the only portable crib I have to take is for Little man, and I don't need to take any exersaucers or swings anymore!  Hooray!  So it is all clothes and toys and videos and snacks, and pillows and blankets, and one portable crib, etc....  all in a van with 6 people already in it.

3.  The Dog.
It never ever fails.  I always forget until a week before we leave, to get someone to watch the damn dog.  Then I am like, "AW crap!  The dog!   What are we going to do about the dog?"  He has seizures when he is stressed, so he can't stay in a doggie hotel.  For the last few years, we have been able to count on neighbors at the last minute, because they all stay home.  But I don't know anyone around here yet, and the one person I do know, lives a block away, and I just can't ask for them to come over 3 times a day like that.  I just can't.  This year, though, I was lucky.  I remembered today, 2 whole weeks before the trip!  So I have a call out to one of my sisters who doesn't go down, to see if she would like to house sit.

4.  The children.
Now I know, the kids have to come with us. (But do they???  Kidding. )  There was a time when we could go down, before kids, and have a good time and drink ourselves silly, and stay up late, and not care.  But now, we do have kids, and these kids go to bed at 8.  And they are up at 6:30. Which means, so are we.  And have you ever tried to get up with a toddler while having a hangover, or even just after you have been up late sober?  It is no fun at all.   And usually there is someone sleeping in the living room at my brother's.  So I have to keep my loud kids quiet in the kitchen with videos on my Kindle until he/she wakes up (usually my middle sister, God love her.  She always wakes up with a smile, even though I know they woke her.)  We just are not a quiet people.  No matter how hard I try to teach them, Thumbellina does not know how to whisper.

5. The children.  part 2
With all of their aunts and uncles around, there is no shortage of people to ask for a cookie.  Or candy.  Or treats.  Or soda.  Or carried.  Or read to.  Or played with.  Or anything I say no to, to ask if they will yes indeed, give in to.  So when we come back, there is usually a 2 week de-tox that I have to do with them from being spoiled rotten, and out of routine.  Do not get me wrong, it is an aunt/uncle/cousin/grandparent's right, or obligation really, to spoil their niece/nephew/cousin/grandchild.  It just takes a while to get the entitlement out of their system.

6. The children. Part 3
At home, my kids have their own rooms, except the girls, who share.  So usually it is just them I have to stomp on to get to go to bed.  Over New Year's, they all sleep in the same room, so I have to usually sit out side of the room and be the "shush" police until they fall asleep. I am usually sitting in the hallway for an hour, playing Angry Birds, and wishing I could chuck one of those black bomb birds in there and knock them all out. 

7. The children. Part 4

Most of the week, I am lucky if I see Your Royal Highness at mealtimes, or really at all.  He is usually holed up with his cousins in the game room, playing or watching whatever video game they are trying to conquer.  Unfortunately, this year, his cousins are all grown and have jobs, and have moved away from home, or are in high school, and are not making the trip this year.  So I am going to have to get creative, and play entertainer if I don't want to hear "Moooooooom, I am soooooooo boooooooored!" all week.

But like I said.  None of that is enough to keep me away from spending time and having fun with my brothers and sisters for the week.  They are cool people, and though it usually involves us making some sacrifices in the comfort department, it is so well worth it, and it is hopefully teaching my kids how important a really good relationship is with your siblings, and HOPEFULLY they will continue the tradition, well after I am not on this planet anymore.  Because Christmas, is after all, a time for being together, and being with family.  And I sure do love mine to death!!

A day in the life of a home daycare mom

Can I just take a minute to let you all know what a crappy couple of weeks this has been.  You know, I try really hard to be a positive person, and find the humor in little things, but good sweet baby Jesus, this week, and the one before it, have tested me to the very core of my being, and pushed me to the very border of sane and insanity with these co workers of mine. 

Let me break it down for you how my usual week day goes.  I say weekday because on the weekend I am minus two of my co workers, as they are at their homes with their families (and from what one of them tells me, driving them to the brink of insanity.)  But we love them anyway, which is good, because otherwise I am pretty sure I would be in jail, or on a bender at Matt the Millers, eating wings, gigantic slices of layer cake, shotgunning pineapple upside down cake martinis, and watching college football. (oh, that sounds so freaking amazeballs...)

So here is it, my daily schedule for Monday thru friday

5:00am  wakey wakey eggs and bakey!  I get up, keep my clothes on, as I most likely slept in the
clothes I will wear today.  Do not judge me.  Picking out clothes takes time away from 'me time' on the couch with my Kindle and coffee.

5:01- Me time on the couch with my Kindle and coffee.  I check statues on Facebook, stalk the people I stalk, read my favorite blogs, and check emails.  This is MY time.  I would watch TV, but that may wake up the natives, and I am already pushing it with shifting my weight on the couch.  They have ears like hawks. (until I ask them to come here, go potty, put this toy away......)

6:00- The Admiral usually makes an appearance.  Comes in silently for coffee, and then it is US time on the couch with our respective electronic devices. 

6:30- Finally turn on the news (that I will only get to see literally 2 minutes of), and it is now safe for anyone to come down, as I am now working on cup number 2 of my coffee, and can make coherent sentences. 

7:00- Most of the kids are up, already ( the TV woke them at promptly 6:32) and they have been changed out of diapers, and put in either pull ups or underpants.  I go and wake Your Royal Highness, and am greeted with various levels of groans and "stop it"s as I sing some random song to annoy him enough to wake up.  Then he lays back down, so I flip on his light and walk out as he yells "NOOOO!!!! MOOOOOM!" 

7:10 Extra child #1 arrives, and mom dashes out the door as she is perpetually late, but she is pregnant, so there is absolutely no judgement.  I make breakfast for all children, and the Admiral who is already on a phone call from work even though he does not technically start until 8. 

7:30 Eat my breakfast, watch the 50 millionth episode of Go Diego Go, and curse rescue pack under

my breath.  Also this is the prime moment for Your Royal Highness to decide to play God and dole out the gummy vitamins to all of the littles, choosing the colors he knows will infuriate Mini me the most, so that she screams at him, sticks her tongue out at him, and he can tattle on her for this.  Then I get to tell him, for the millionth time to please just take a handful out, if he insists on doing this, and let them choose.  (Every Day!!!) 

8:00  Head down to the playroom to get dressed and play awhile, while I finish my coffee, and watch some news for real this time.  This is always interrupted by Your Royal Highness screaming at me from upstairs for various reasons, "I need Socks!!", "Where is my Trumpet book??", "I can't find my coat!!", "Where are my shoes!!!"

8:10  Extra child #2 arrives with mom, and is greeted by her fan base.  They literally all scream like she is a rock star every day.  This is the most pleasant, and amicable they will all be at the same time, most likely all day. 

8:20  Your Royal Highness yells good bye, I yell I love him, and he is gone for a blissful 6 hours.  Thank you School.  I do love you so much for that. 

9:20 Take all of my co workers up for snack.  This takes, I am not kidding, 20 minutes.  It is possibly 5 yards from the play room to the kitchen.  20 minutes to get them all in their chairs.  20. Minutes.

10:00 Attempt circle time in the playroom.  I TRY to get them to clean up, so there are less distractions around, so they can focus on the book, song, game or what have you.  Plus it is good for kids to learn to clean up their mess. This never ever goes well, someone always ends up crying.  It is usually me.  There is a lot of deep breathing involved, and I am going to need surgery for the amount of time I roll my eyes.  We finally get our schmidt together and make it into our little group.  We do calendar, go over our letter of the week, and read a book.  Then we will learn a song, and play a game.  This does not go as you just read it.  It is punctuated by me chasing after 3 of the 5, trying to persuade, bribe, and threaten them to sit for just a couple of minutes, for even just one of the activities.  Again, there are usually tears involved.  They are usually mine. 

10:45: We try to do at least some kind of art.  This usually goes pretty well. 

11:00  Lunch and movie of some sort.  Yay!

11:45 Potty and pull ups

12 NAP!!!!  Sweet sweet naptime!!!  This is usually where I go from patient mom/teacher, to nap nazi.  I don't care if you aren't tired, you will lay in bed and read.  I don't care if you can't sleep, you will pretend to.  You. Will. Nap.  So help me..... 

2:30 It is once again safe to be near me, I am no longer in nap nazi mode.  You may now commence Snack. 

3:00  Snack is over, head back down to the playroom.  I put on some nice music, and usually just play referee. 

4:00 Your royal highness is home, and I give him a hug, then in literally .000009 seconds after the hug,  let the homework fight begin.....

4:30 All extra children have vacated the premisis

5:00 The Admiral comes to the playroom to take over while I make dinner.  This is usually greeted by children clinging to my legs begging to come with me.  I don't know why, these are the same people who wanted NOTHING to do with me in the playroom, and ran from me when I asked for a hug.  Forget it people, mommy needs quiet to cook. 

6:00 Dinnertime shenanigans (please read Let them eat Cake for a synopsis)

7:00 Pajamas and Bedtime (Please read Every. Single. Night. for the breakdown)

9:10 Everyone is in bed, and the Admiral and I try to catch up on DVR'd shows and make if for about 30 minutes before one or both of us is asleep on the couch. 

10:00 Me asleep in bed.

So there it is.  My day.  I know you are all jealous.  But really, it is not all the chocolate bon bons and leisure time I make it out to be.  Take the last two weeks.  Add to that nonsense three sick littles, and a 10 year old ADHD kid on Thanksgiving Break (they had a freakin 6 day weekend!  They had Monday off too!  Really?!?!?!)  who also ran out of his meds (GAH!!!!)  and racing to clean this house for my gigantic family to come for Thanksgiving, and this can be a lot of work.  I just pray when I am old, and guilt my kids into not putting me into a nursing home, and go to live with them instead, that they will remember this, or even read this blog and realize how good they had it.  Then I can say to them what they say to me, "I want eggs!"  "Wipe my butt!" "I want to watch MY movie!"  Then it will have all been worth it......

Tis the season, but not the one you are thinking of

Twas the day after Thanksgiving,

And, this happens a lot,
The children were covered with
Sneezing and snot.

Right after the holiday
my kids always get sick,
The person who gave it
 to them will be hit.

But just like each year
after turkey and stuffing,
The kids all get fevers
and noses start running.

It never does fail!
During each Christmas season,
the littlest one, little man,
starts up  wheezing

 I look in my med drawer
and pick up the potions.
Albuterol, tylenol
Vicks vapor rub lotion

And motrin and NyQuil,
suction-nose aspirator,
And steam baths, and tissues,
and that damn humidifier.

I use the whole arsenal
of flu-timey weapons,
and just cause God loves me
I also need tampons (really?!?!?!?  Now?!?!)

 Up at the hours of
12, 3, 5, and 7.
Then no nap for me ,
But they get one (that's heaven.)

Cleaning up puke, and
tossing used tissues.
Getting little man to take his inhailer
(he has some issues)

But this dance is a dance
that I do every year.
And in dealing with sick kids
for weeks, I'll shed tears.

But this is a part of
having big families,
One will get sick,
then soon all feel lousy.

And we will get through it,
Somehow always do,
And one or both of us
Will get the stomach flu. (usually the Admiral)

Our  pictures will all
have kids with red  noses,
To match Rudolf's I guess,
in our Santa Clause poses

Christmas eve will have carols
of coughing and mucus,
and if we are lucky
One of them puke-as.

Christmas day is one,
We have yet to enjoy,
with all of the kids
usually whiney (Oh boy!!)

Then we go down south
to visit the family.
We make at least one trip
to Urgent care, usually.

And just in time for
The new Years day feast,
When I think that I have
had only 2 hours of sleep,

They all start to get better!!
Just in time for the end!
And this is how all of my
holiday's go, friend.

This year is no different.
The kids are all sick.
My house feels infested
with the germs and the ick.

Every year!  Every time!
The present, and past.
But I hope that  YOU have
A Merry Christ-mas!

What if adults talked like kids?

So I was listening to my kids talk to other day, and I had a thought.  What if, WHAT IF, I talked to my friends the way they talk to each other.  What kind of a jerk would I be?  I certainly wouldn't have any friends that is for sure, and I would most likely go to jail for assault on more than one occasion.  So I am going to share with you a few brief conversations my kids have had, and I am going to post it as if I were talking to someone else, just so that you can see how ridiculous kids are.  Mkay?

Scene: watching a show about planets on National Geographic
Me: I like Uranus
Friend: My anus
Me: No, Uranus.  I like it.
Friend: I like it too.
Me: No you can't like it, I already said I like it.  I like Uranus
Friend:  I like it too
Me: No!  IIIIIIIIII LIKE URANUS!!!!!  IIIIIIIIIII DO!!!  YOU DON"T LIKE IT, I LIKE IT!!
(pause for a beat)
Friend: I like my anus.....



Scene: listening to music in the car
Me:(singing)  I don't care.....I love it
Friend: I like that too, I don't care...........
Me: NOOOOO!!!!!  I AM SINGING!!!!!!!! 
(Friend looks at me and starts to cry)
Me: You can sing later, but not that song, you can sing another song.  That is my song.


Scene: Hanging out in the family room ( now this was between me and one of the kids)
Friend: Let's go have a snack, ok
Me: I want to finish my puzzle
Friend: Can we finish the puzzel after snack?  It is time to eat.
Me: NOOOO!!!!!  PUZZLE!!!!!!! I WANT THE PUZZLE!!!! 
Friend: Fine, then you won't have any ice cream then.  Because I was going to have ice cream.  You can have nothing.
Me: I WAAAAAANT ICE CREAM!!!!
Friend: Well let's go then
ME: I WAAAAANT PUZZLE!!!!!!!!


Scene: Hanging out in the family room
Me: (to everyone in the room) I am so beautiful in this dress!  I am just a precious thing aren't I?  I am just so precious in this dress you all want to look at me.


Scene: In the van
Friend: (singing) Christmas lights, christmas lights, I love christmas lights.....
Me:(Singing) C.L., C.L., C.L......
Friend: (singing) C.L, C.L., C.L
Me: You can't say that, you don't know what it means.
Friend: Yes I do.  C is for cake.
Me: Hahahaha!  No it doesn't, it stands for Christmas lights!!  Hahaha!  You can't sing it because you don't know what it means!
Friend: But C is for cake.  (singing) Cake cake cake.....
Me; (singing over friend, louder.  Much louder) C.L., C.L., C.L........!
Friend : CAKE....CAKE...CAKE........!

Scene: (hanging out in the family room yet again)
Me: (reciting chistmas list out loud to no one in particular )and I want play dishes, and play food, and books, and a tutu...
Friend: Are you done talking yet?  I want to talk.  You are taking too long, can I talk now?
Me:  NO!  I am not done talking!  You wait until I am done! (pauses and glares menacingly at friend)  and I want princess dresses....

So you see, kids are little jerks to each other.  How do these people make friends, and actually keep them?  If I were another kid, I wouldn't want to be friends with another kid, because they are just rude, self absorbed, little jerks.  But they manage to keep friends, and I just don't get it.  When do they grow out of acting this way?  Well, the more I think of it, I am not so sure EVERYONE grows out of it.....

I am complete hypocrite

I realized when I was yelling at my kids the other day that I am complete hypocrite.

I do almost everything that I tell them not to do.  Give or take the serious infractions (ie peeing in the tub, eating gum off of the floor, putting my feet in my mouth. You get the picture.)  But I realize that I do tell them to do one thing, and then turn right around and do another.

For example.
* I tell Your royal highness before bed that the next day he needs to clean up his room, it is a pig stye, and looks like a bomb went off in there.  I immediately walk into my bedroom after yelling at him, and throw my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor next to my bed, let a water bottle (it was closed!) drop onto the floor and not pick it up, and notice glasses of water  that are empty sitting on my dresser and leave them for the next day (which will still not get taken down).

*I also tell him daily to make his bed, and when I get up in the morning, do I make mine? I do not...

*The kids whine to me that they are hungry 15 minutes before dinner is ready.  I tell them, "you need to wait for dinner.  It isn't that far away."  I go into the kitchen and stuff an Oreo in my mouth while I finish making dinner.

*I scream at the kids to stop  screaming, and I then continue screaming about how rude it is to scream in the house.

*I tell the kids not to eat food off of the floor.  I drop a peice of chocolate, pick it up, blow on it, and pop it into my mouth. (you cannot let chocolate go to waste.  That is a sin.)

*I tell the kids "You get an hour and 30 minutes of TV time a day.  That is all!  No ifs, ands, or buts!"  and then after they go to bed watch 4 hours of DVR'd shows in a marathon to catch up on things I have missed.

*I tell the kids "No, you may not eat in the car. You will
drop crumbs everywhere.  We will be home in a few minutes, and you can have it then."  Then on my way home from Weight watchers I eat a small fry as fast as I can in the car on my way home, sprinkling salt all over my shirt, and seat. (To clarify, I do this because I do not eat dinner before I go, because I do not want the weight of my dinner displayed on the scale.  I also make sure I poop before I go, and wear shorts and a tank top that I strip down to under my jeans and sweatshirt in front of everyone because I do not want that weight  displayed on the scale either.  I totally would get naked if I could, but really, no one wants to see that.....)

*I tell your royal highness not to slam doors, throw things, or pound his fist when he is mad, then when the Admiral and I have an argument, I pound my fist on the table, throw a stuffed animal across the room, storm out of the door and slam it.

*I tell your royal highness that he needs to do his homework right away when he gets home to get it done and out of the way.  Then the moment I have something that needs done that has a deadline, I put it off until the last possible moment and then freak out and stay up all night to get it done.

*Your royal highness sees a spider in the bathroom.  I make him kill the spider, and then have a half an hour argument with him about why he needs to clean it up, citing that "you will have to do this when you grow up and are on your own."  Then when I see a spider in our bathroom, I get the Admiral to come and kill it, and clean it up.

I swear to you, I am not a mean mom.  I am not a d-bag who thinks I am above the laws I set at my house.  I just want my kids to be a better person that I am.  I want them to just automatically make their bed when they grow up.  I want them to not snack all of the time.  I want them to keep their car neater than I do, and to handle their anger in more constructive ways that I do.

But the great thing is.....I do all of these things out of their eye sight, so they have no idea how hypocratic I really really am!  So in their eyes, I really do all of these things that I tell them to do, cementing in their head my perfection.  I have to believe that all moms do this, and have been doing this for years and years and years.  Generations of moms eating treats out of the visual feild of their kids, and making their husbands kill spiders, and screaming for their kids to stop screaming.  I just have to believe it is so. Otherwise I AM a complete d-bag, and I need to rethink my life!!

The five o'clock freak out

When my oldest (Your royal highness) was little, the Admiral and I coined the phrase "5 o'clock freak out".

It seemed like every night, from the time he was an infant, at around 5 o'clock, he would stop whatever he was doing, be it sleeping, eating, playing, what have you, and just freak the freak out.  I do not mean in a fun, party kind of way.  I mean in a no holds barred, rage against the machine, I am dying and you are doing nothing to help me sort of freak out.  He would cry, inconsolable for about a good hour, and then be completely fine. 

We spoke to our doctor, and he said, all babies have a fussy time of the day.  He asked if this went on for hours at a time, to which we said, "no".  He smiled, and said "No colic then..."  and said, just hold on and it will pass.  Eventually he will grow out of it.

My pediatrician is a lying liar.

He most certainly did NOT grow out of it.  In fact, I believe when each of the babies were little, he sat

down with them individually and one by one taught them as if he were a jedi master, how to throw a good  5o'clock freak out.  Because I schmidt you not, they ALL DO IT!  Thumbelina, and Mini me do it, and so does little man.  And in a great turn of events they have extended if for an extra half hour, which has now made it into a 4:30 freak out, right on time for the parents of the kids I babysit for to pick them up. 

So daily, my poor parents come at 4:30 to pick up their precious-es and my kids are all fighting and screaming, and pulling toys out of each others hands, and the oldest is yelling at me from upstairs freaking out because he "doesn't get this homework!!  I need help!"  When I tell him "I have to deal with these insane little people down here in the playroom first and then I can help you with that."  I am met with "AHHH!!!  You don't care if I fail!  And I WILL fail mom!  I can't do this!  It is too hard!  I am going to fail and you don't care!" and I hear him wailing to his room and slamming the door.  To which I reply "Oh my god!  Drama! Calm down and I will be there in a minute!"  as I am pulling Little man off of the bookshelf, and grabbing Mini Me to release the toy that she just stole from, let's call her, additional kid #1, who is screaming "NOOOOOOO!!! MIIIIIIIINEE!!!!!!!" and letting her drag her across the floor, also while Thumbelina is screaming "MOOOOOOM!!" and I look over, thinking some terrible fate is about to befall her, only for her to innocently look at me and say "Watch what I can do"  as she walks on her tiptoes (which she ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO DO AND HAS BEEN ABLE TO DO FOR A YEAR!).  It takes my entire being not to say to her, "Wow Thumbelina, you are a genius!  I am so happy I stopped trying to save your friend from getting her arm pulled out of it's socket so that I could see you do that!  I am so proud." as sarcastically as I can.  But I don't.  I say "Great baby" and keep on keeping on, trying to diffuse the chaos, as they are all crying and wailing at the same time.

All of this is in the presence of the people who trust me and pay good money for me to raise their little ones into good citizens, and it looks like I am raising them to murder each other, and become kleptomaniacs, like my own kids!  And I swear to them daily, "They really have all been good today, I promise.  They just seem to freak out every day about this time.  We have had a great day..." and I proceed to list off all of the fun things we did, while the cacophony of noise is getting louder and louder.  I am crying out in my head, "I promise, my kids are usually so good!  They aren't d-bags, they are usually really sweet to each other, and really funny!  This is just the hour of the day that it all goes to hell! And if you were to be here at 6, you would see, they are not insane!  Really!"  My eyes plead with them, as the wailing of my oldest continues upstairs, and the world falls down around me in the playroom.

But I have no idea what they are thinking.  I assume they believe me since they bring them back every day. 

Unfortunately this tends to go on while I am making dinner.  I try to keep them all occupied at the table with coloring and playdoh.  But for some reason, this hour of the day, they just lose their mind and do things that they would never do at any other time.  For example, Mini me, just last night, took a blue marker, and covered her entire face with blue!  She never does that!  I snapped at her, "Mini me!  What do you think you are doing????!!!"  She just stared at me as if I were the crazy one and why wouldn't she color her entire face blue?  Silly mom.  And of course it wasn't washable Crayola, it was a dry erase marker for her letter board that WILL NOT WASH OFF!  She is still blue today.

Then we have dinner, and it is the same every night.  If you would like a synopsis of how dinner goes, please see my post "Every. Single. Night." 

And then the freak out is over.  We get down from the dinner table, and they play in the playroom quietly, calmly, and cooperatively.  Like it never even happened. 

Grow out of it my ass........

Party Animal

People are liars.

And I mean about EVERYTHING.  The good news is, I am not even sure they realize they are doing it most of the time, because I would like to believe that people are just naive, and not evil.

For example, last night I went to a jewelry "party" that I was invited to.  I have gone to a lot of these "parties" in my life.  Let's be honest here, and call it what it is.  It is not so much a party, as it is a live infomercial.  You sit and listen to the representative go on and on an on about how wonderful the product is, be it jewlery, kitchen gadgets, candles, bags, or home decorating stuff, and they give you all of the reasons why it is so wonderful. Then they let you look around, look at a catalog, and then you get the pressure to order right now, because if you don't, then the "hostess" aka, your friend who conned you into going to her "party" with the promise of snacks and wine, won't get free stuff.  And who wants to be the d-bag that doesn't get her girl free stuff?  So I pay $40 for a piece of costume jewelery, or for a spatula, or for a candle,  just so my girl can get a free apple-peeler-corer-slicer, that I could have bought for her for $10 at Target

and just gifted it to her.  But I feel bad double for going and not getting something, because #1, they liked me enough to invited me over for this, and #2 I know they had to take all of the trouble to clean their house because they were having people over. (And trust me, I know what a huge ordeal that is!  It is like a girl shaving her legs for a date night with the hubs, and then not getting any later. Its like "well what did I go to all of that trouble for???")

But the "party" thing is getting out of control.  They have one for everything now!  You name it there is a "party" for it.  The one that I have not been to yet, but am really curious about are the "romantic" items.  Mostly because I want to know how the heck do they demo those???  I know for a certain kitchen gadget party, they prepare a whole bevy of snacks using all of the tools that they want you to buy.  And for the jewelry "parties", they want you to try on all of the jewlery.  The one I went to last night, the sales lady told us, "try it on, play with it, have fun."  Do the sales ladies for those "romantic" parties give out those items and say "try it out, play with it"?  Or do they stand in front of you and do a demonstration?  It just seems like a weird sort of line of items to have a party for.  Just sayin...

Now, don't get me wrong,  I do not think that these "parties" are a bad thing.  I mean, Avon has been around for years, doing essentially the same thing,  but they never called it a "party". I don't think they really called it anything, it was just "Avon calling!"  and you got to play around with make up.  Mary Kay doesn't call them parties, they call them demonstrations.  I guess, when I think of "party" I think of a paaaar-taaay, not stting as a memeber of my own personal "sham-wow" commercial. 

But, to my friends out there, please don't not invite me, because you guys all make the best snacks for these things, and I really like snacks......and getting away from my kids for a couple of hours. 

Once Upon a Time......

I am not going to lie, I love to read.  A lot.  I have a certain genre that I like, and I prefer to read books that are in a series.  I feel like I am really weird when it comes to books.  I have rules when it comes to reading. 

#1. Thou shalt finish the book as fast as humanly possible.
 I tend to start a book, and if it is a good one, I will finish it as fast as possible.  I get really into a story, and then I have a really hard time putting the book down until I know everything that happens.  Before I got my Kindle, I would read the last two pages of the book, just so I would have an idea of what happens at the end, and to quote When Harry Met Sally "so that if I die before I finish the book, I know what happens." Also, I have a very weak ablity to delay gratification, so I must find out, and it cannot wait.  I finished Harry Potter's Half Blood Prince in 28 hours straight.  And yes.  I am proud of that fact.

#2. Thou shalt not bother me when I am in a good part

So I have four kids, as most of you know.  Three of them are very small.  I get very witchy if I am in a good part of a story and someone needs something from me.  It is as if in my head I am thinking, "Don't you people understand??  Katniss is hiding and the people looking for her are RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE SHE IS IN!  This is not a time for needing help in the bathroom! I know you are two years old, but I think you can manage to wipe your own butt!  I have to make sure Katniss gets out of the tree alright! She needs my help or she will die!" 

#3. Thou shalt love the main character as thyself
I tend to get attached.  This is the reason I stick with books that are part of a series.  I actually had a mourning period after Harry Potter was over.  I even broke my rule #1 with the final book, trying to slowly read it, savoring every last word, because I knew it would be the last.  With Hunger Games I felt defeated and sad, because I wanted to spend more time with Katniss.  Don't even get me started with 50 Shades of Gray.  Oh sweet sweet Christian....  So the longer the series, the better for me.  This is why Janet Evanovitch is my hero.  We have Stephanie Plum going into book 20 and still going strong!! 

#4. Thou shalt read the book before seeing the movie.

This rule is a big one for me.  Movies tend to seriously mangle the book.  I like to go into the movie already with the knowledge of what is going to happen.  I feel I have an advantage because I know so much back-story. Like a little secret only I know.  Gives me a sense of superiority over those lesser people who have not been as enlightened as I, and read the book.  Also, I like to form my own ideas of what a charactor looks like.  For example:
In my head:
Christian Grey:  Looks a lot like Matt Bohmer from White Collar.
Katniss Everdeen:  Looks like me with brown hair
Hermionie Granger:  Looks like me with brown curly hair
Harry Potter:  Looks like Daniel Radcliff (umm, because he was perfect for the role I tell you!)
Ron Weasly:  Looks like the Admiral with red hair
Stephanie Plum:  Looks like me with crazy jersey hair and make up

So you see, movies will ruin the picture I have in my head.  I do not need that until the book is over.  I don't want to read a whole book and have some random actress in my head the whole time.  They get enough attention. 

#5. Thou shalt have an element of science fiction or fantasy about it, with a few exceptions.

I love me some fantasy.  I have already told you what a nerd I am, so this should not be a surprise.  I love Lord of the Rings, Dean Koontz books, Stephen King, Harry Potter, and many others of the same genre.  I do have a few exceptions.  I like mysteries.  Those do not have to have a sci fy element, because the question of "why" or "who"  takes the place of that.  I need an element of wonder about my stories.  I read to escape the world I live in.  I don't need to read about things that could happen to me or others in the here and now.  This also has it's exceptions (Unbroken is one.  Oh. My. Gosh. That book was amazing and intense.)

So these are my rules.  I rarely break them, but sometimes it is necessary.  For example, if I don't know a movie is based on a book, I will sometimes see it first and then read the series after.  Or sometimes I will have to put the book down to take care of my family, therefore leaving our Hero or Heroine in peril for days at a time.  But it is rare. 

Right now I am on the search for a good series to read.  Any suggestions are welcome.  But you know

my rules now.  So no romantic comedies, or love stories, unless it has that S&M, broken psyche sort of element to it like 50 shades.  Or one of the couple is being stalked by a murder that has some sort of devilish quality about him, or can see ghosts like Odd Thomas. Or one or more of them can do magic. Or one of them is a vampire, and not the kind that sparkles.... because that is just stupid and I have my standards. (and yes, I read them......)

My first Halloween post

In honor of Halloween, I thought that i would share a few things that scare the crap out of me.  Please feel free to add to my list in the comments section with things that scare the crap out of you, because it will make me feel better about being lame.

1. Unexplained noises
Now, I am not talking about the usual creaking and groaning of the house, or little things that you would hear in a horror movie that would mean imminent doom.  I am talking about that humming that I hear in the basement.  The reason this is so scary you ask?  Well, because my mind immediately runs to the place of  "Oh my gosh, it is the gas line, it is leaking, the house is going to blow, and we are all going to die!"  I will search and search for the source of this noise until it is found even if it takes all night.  (Just for your information, it was a vent cover that was vibrating a little bit everytime the heat would turn on.  The Admiral pushed it all the way in place and it is all quiet now.)

2. Letting my arm hang off the edge of the bed
How many nights have I woken in a start because I feel my arm hanging off of the bed?  So many.  So so so many.  You never know when some flesh eating monster is going to come out from under your bed and bite of your arm, or worse, drag you under the bed!!!  (Thank you so much Poltergeist!)

3.  Too many birds hanging out together

I do not have a fear of birds.  I don't.  My niece does, and my friend who rhymes with shalyssa does.  But not me.  However, I am very very suspicious of too many birds hanging out on my lawn together.  Makes me think they are up to something...(like planning on attacking the local elementary school, or gas station.  Thank you so much Alfred Hitchcock!)

4. The shower, but only sometimes.
Let me make this clear, I am not one of those people who constantly thinks there is some terrible thing waiting for me around every corner.  That being said, I do not enjoy showering in places that do not have a shower curtain that you can either see through, or that lets enough light through to see shadows.  I used to have a navy blue shower curtain, and I could not see a darn thing through that curtain.  So every time, I was just waiting on Norman Bates to be on the other side of that thing with a wig and a giant butcher knife.  (Again, Alfred Hitchcock, I thank you!)

5. Abandoned cemetery.  
A giant well manicured cemetary....completely peaceful
An abandoned cemetery with a rickety little wrought iron fence around it.....completely terrifying

6. Long dark hallways
I do not enjoy a long dark hallway at home, or otherwise. I used to work at a preschool that had two floors, and one time I had to go in there at night to get my phone that I had left there.  Upstairs where my classroom was, there is a long long hallway, that reminded me a lot of the hotel in The Shining,  and since it was night time, it was dark.  I am not kidding when I tell you, I left the phone until the following Monday, because hell no that is why. (Thank you The Shining!)

7. Children
I am not scared of children in general, and most of you know that.  But I am scared of creepy children.  At the preschool that I mentioned working at before, In my classroom was the utility closet.  We kept extra cots and things in there.  One day I was getting in there to get a mop to clean up a mess, when one of my angelic little ones said to, what I thought, was me, "Oh, hi there."
"Hey there buddy."  I said back.
"No, I wasn't talking to you." he said as if i were crazy.
I looked around, "Oh yea?  who were you talking to?" (um, don't ask questions you don't want the answers to goofy girl!!)
"I was talking to Mace Windu.  He lives in the closet." (Just in case you don't know who that is, Mace Windu is Sam Jackson's character in the Star Wars movies.  So apparently a big black bald man is in the closet.) I looked back into the closet I was reaching into and saw nothing.
"Where is he?"
"Duh!  Right in front of you!" 

I slammed the door.

8. Movies
I am sure you have now gleaned the fact that I am a big ol puss when it comes to movies.  But I LOVE scary movies.  I don't even know why I do it to myself.  But I do.  Now I don't watch many of the newer scary movies, because come on people, CGI is just waaaay too convincing these days.  I like the old movies, like the original Halloween, and Friday the 13th, and stuff like that because, you can TELL it is corn syrup, and fake knives.  But even with all of the fake stuff, it still manages to scare the holy crap out of you!  I guess I just don't understand why things had to get so real in scary movies.  The old stuff was fake and fine!  It did it's job on me anyway.  So I avoid things like "The Conjuring" and "Paranormal" and the like because, it is just too real.  And honestly.  There are so many real things in this world already that are scary, that I just cannot do that to myself. Those of you who can, more power to you.  Just don't ask me to go with you.  I will curl up on my couch with the Admiral, a bowl of popcorn, and the movie "Prom NIght" or "Carrie", or "The Shining", or "When a Stranger Calls" and be perfectly scared and content.

Happy Halloween everyone!!

Kids say the foulest things! (Warning, this is rated PG13)

So I have been hemming and hawing awhile about this post.  I have been thinking about my demographic and my readers,( and more importantly the fact that my mother reads this blog) and wasn't sure if it was going to be received well. (Read that as, not sure if my mom was going to slap me for swearing or not).  But after much deliberation, and after the reaction that I got from my mom last night from the story i told her, I think it is safe to share these little nuggets.  Or should I say gems, because honestly, to me, these stories are pure GOLD!

The Admiral and I try really really hard to watch our mouths around the kids.  I do not want to raise a bunch of little d-bags that go around swearing all of the time.  I want them to be word warriors!  I want them to use their brains to come up with words to describe or react to situations, instead of resorting to crass words that any idiot can say.  However, even this idiot drops certain words here and there, and although satisfying at the time, it often comes back to haunt me.  Or sometimes even mis-judging the show we are watching as possibly appropriate, only to have them drop a word bomb on us at just the moment the little sponges are watching. (thanks Tv for yet again contributing to the education of my children.)

So I give you, Kids say the foulest things.

#1.
The Admiral and I are watching a rock concert on TV with our oldest son who was our only child at the time, at the tender age of 2.  As we are watching the Foo Fighters fighting their foo on TV, David Grohl stops and shouts at the top of his lungs:
"Give it up for the best F___in drummer in the world!!" 
My husband and I freeze and stare at each other for a moment.  Our son says, without  missing a beat, "Your not the best F____in drummer, my dad is the best F____in drummer in the world."
  Oh. My.

#2
My darling Mini me has always done everything early.  She rolled over at 6 weeks, she crawled at 6 months, and she started talking at about 10 months.  Her first words?
"Dod dan dog.  Dod dan dog."
Translation "God Damn Dog".
Oh yes.  Proud moment

#3
I hear my little Thumbelina talking to herself.  I don't even pay attention to her all that much when she is playing, because she talks all. the. time.  I mean we are talking a constant commentary about what she is doing. But on this particular occasion, I hear her saying the same thing over and over.  I look and she is trying to put a block in the shape sorter.  As she is doing it, it keeps falling out of her hand.  Every time it does, she says the same thing over and over.  "Shit....shit....shit...."
 Sigh.....

#4
I actually got this story from my sister who was watching the kids for us one weekend recently.  Our dog, the dog of thunder, tends to howl a lot.  I don't know if it is because he is blind, and doesn't see us, or deaf and doesn't hear us, and forgets we are there, but he howls like we are gone forever.  It is really annoying, because it is obnoxiously loud, and if he does it while the babies are asleep, it wakes them all up.  Well, we were gone, and she was there with the kids at the table, and the dog started howling.  Mini me says, apparently under her breath to no one in particular, "That God damn dog won't quit howling, it is driving me nuts."
(anyone noticing a trend here?)

#5
Little Man was trying to put a puzzle together the other day.  It was a floor puzzle, and so he was all over the floor trying to put it together.  He had one piece left, and accidentally stepped right in the middle of it, causing it to all fall apart.  He then says in the most exasperated voice, "Aw Dammit!!!"

and finally, my favorite!  Seriously, my most favorite of all time....

 #6
Little man has a lot of trouble saying his "S-T" sounds.  So instead of stamp he will say "damp"  or stairs he will say "dairs"  We ordered pizza the other day.  The Admiral got wings, breadsticks and pizza.  I was putting breadsticks on the kids plates when little man started shrieking "I wanna dick, I wanna dick, I wanna dick, I wanna dick!!!!!!"  I was cracking up, and trying to tear them into little pieces for him, when it got worse.  He started yelling "I don't want a little dick, I wanna big dick, I wanna big dick mommy, I wanna big dick!!  I don't want a little dick I wanna big dick!!!"  the admiral and I were laughing so hard we couldn't even answer the child, so it just kept going on and on and on, making us laugh even harder!!  (I am laughing really hard as I type this!!  I wanted to say to him I know little man, all men do!)

I really am not mature enough to be a mother.......

I have told you where we are going three times! Go home Dora, you are drunk...

You know, when I was a kid, there were only a couple of times a day that appropriate TV shows were available to me. 

There was the good ol' PBS at lunch time with Sesame Street.  There were a couple of cartoons on in the morning before school was on. (Jem and the Holograms, GI Joe,  Transformers, and Voltron were my personal favorites.) and sometimes on holidays or the week before, there were some prime time holiday specials.  They were called specials because that is exactly what they were.  Special.  Because  they were only on once a year.  And if you missed it too bad.

Then there was also wonderful Saturday.  Ahhh.  A whole morning dedicated to cartoons.  NBC, ABC, and CBS had on show after show of awesomeness, so you could spend the whole morning relaxing and enjoying TV. 

And that was IT.  You wanted to watch TV during dinner?  You got the news.  Prime time?  You would watch Dukes of Hazzard and like it.  Watching TV after 9 pm??  Oh, there was a whole new kind of education for you.  I learned all about business and relationships from shows like Dallas.  For example:

and

I feel sorry for the kids these days that don't have JR Ewing to look to for business ethics....

Now a days though, your kids have endless choices in what to watch on TV.  There are whole channels dedicated to babies, and preschoolers.  There are separate channels for kids who are younger and older.  And any show they really really like, they can watch over, and over, and over on demand until your eyes and ears bleed from the sights and songs. 

This is where my rant falls in for today. 

Now don't get me wrong, when Your royal highness had the flu, and was throwing up all hours of the night and couldn't sleep, I was damn grateful to Nick for their endless showings of iCarly that kept him happy while he was miserable at 2am. There is also something to be said about the fact the colors and quiet joy of Calliou help to calm a teething 2 year old at 10pm when he wont sleep.  But having these endless  options for kids to watch whatever, and  whenever they want have some bad aspects also.

For example.  My kids fight every single morning about what they are going to watch during breakfast.  It isn't like when we were kids and it was the choice of Jem or Voltron, and that was it.  The conversation goes like this.
Me: What do you guys want to watch?
Mini Me: I want to watch Bubble Guppies
Thumbellina: No I want Micky Mouse Clubhouse
Mini Me: You got to pick yesterday, it is my turn
Thumbellina:  I want Mickey Mouse, I don't want Bubble Guppies
Little Man:  I Thomas, I Thomas, I Thomas!!
Your royal Highness:  Mom, why don't I ever get to pick
Me: Your cartoons are rated 7 and up, they aren't appropriate.
Your Royal Highness:  Well can I at least pick the preschool show we watch?
Me: Sure
Your Royal Highness:  Ok, Paw Patrol
All Toddlers:  NOOOOOO!!!!!!

And then chaos ensues, and I end up having to turn the TV off until everyone calms down. 

Also, I think due to the frequency of the kid shows that are on in our house, my brain is suffering from atrophy.  I find myself alone in my car singing "Bub bub bubble, gup gup guppies" or worse, "Look up high, in the sky, it's a school, it can fly!  Let's all hurry to the flying fairy school!!!"  (Thank you sesame street for that little gem!)  I get all excited when I remember to listen to the real radio. When I hear the music, I feel like I am listening to it for the first time. "OOh, what is this?  The lyrics are so mature and thought out!  So poetic!  The beat is intoxicating!  What is this magic????" 

Also, watching a grown up show feels the same way.  "Plot line!  Character Development!  Twists in the plot!  Different characters that do not care about being nice all of the time, or teaching manners!  No one is asking me to be their helper or pauses for my response!  It is like they don't even know I am there!!!  What evil genius came up with this idea???"

The other issue I have with TV now is that kids have no sense of urgancy to pay attention.  If they

miss something, or talk during the show, they can just rewind it, or pause it, or heck, even download it later if they want!  When I was a kid, I had to make sure that i was up, dressed, breakfasted, teeth brushed, and hair done by 8:00 on the dot, or I would miss Jem.  And that was not something that I wanted at all.  So I was never one to "oversleep" or "fall back to sleep" after mom woke me up.  I had priorities!  I had a meeting with Jem and the Holigrams to see if they would make it to the concert that night!  What if the Misfits really did thwart them this time??  What if Rio found out Jerrica and Jem are one in the same??? (Though I always thought Rio was kind of daft to not know the difference, and why did Jerrica not get bothered by the fact that Rio, in essence was cheating on her ALL THE TIME!?!  Sorry, tangent..) So I would hurry up and get ready.  Does my son have this sense of responsibility?  This urgency?  No!  He will just fall back to sleep after I wake him up.  Then I have to be mean, and go up there, and rip off his covers, flip on his light, and dump him out of bed, all while using my angry voice.

So the moral of this:  Endless choice options and endless availability forces me to be Mommy Dearest in the morning, causes irresponsibility in children, and animosity between toddlers.  Are you happy now cable companies??  Well, are you???  You should be ashamed of yourself.......


(I would like to make a disclaimer at this time.  Please do not comment about how horrible a mom I am for letting my kids watch TV.  First of all, They get, maybe, a total of an hour to an hour and a half a day.  Total.  And second, what troll can cook dinner, clean up breakfast dishes and do laundry with three toddlers running around under her feet??  I am sorry, they need occupied, or someone will be sticking a fork in the outlet!  Nuff said!)